Day 103

Neurons, Sandra Culliton


Another intense day of work, already over 40 hours logged this week with plans to work late again tonight and through the upcoming weekend. It’s good money but bad for sanity.

In one of the moments of “free time” today, I read this article which caught my eye. For probably 2-3 years before I quit, I would click on articles like this all the time. I’d do quizzes, “Are you an alcoholic?” “Do you have a problem with alcohol?” etc. I visited and even participated in online studies with surveys. I was drawn to the topic, because – duh – I was concerned about myself and C.

But up until the end, I always found some reason, some excuse, some loophole in the criteria where I’d say “well, I’m not THAT bad”. Or “I only exhibit 7 of the 10 characteristics” or “I haven’t missed work or lost connection with a friend/partner/family member because of my drinking. I don’t drink in the morning etc”. You get the idea. 

Truth was, I wasn’t ready to admit I had a problem.

And it wasn’t until I gave myself the challenge of cutting back and then wasn’t able to – over and over and over again, no matter how I tried, that I realized I did. I actually had a problem.

This article, had I read it earlier, might have got me there sooner.

Many of these warning signs were true for me.

And the quote by Grace, the author of The Naked Mind about it being hard to acknowledge her dependance because of how high-functioning she was- successful at work and home, “The outward signs of how much I [drank were] practically nonexistent.” That was pretty much me.

Internally, though – it was another story. And when my therapist asked me point-blank, “What if I were to tell you that all your problems were a result of your drinking?” I knew it was true. The depression, the anxiety, the lack of connection, the anger, the impatience, the exhaustion…

The more extended the usage, the more it can mess with your brain chemistry. – Robert Poznanovich