So I’m learning, albeit slowly – very slowly, to pause and examine my emotions instead of immediately reacting. That days like yesterday, full of failures and emotional stress, can be followed by days like today, so far the opposite, is just more proof that emotions are flighty, changeable, unpredictable, temporary.
Yesterday, after my lovely post ending in gratitude toward my husband, I went home and immediately got embroiled in angry discussion with him about something completely stupid. Right, I did that. All me. He pushed me out the door to yoga early, saying it would be easier to put boys to bed without me leaving mid-way through, so I was left with time to calm down and reset. Regardless of his tense delivery, I was grateful again, for him.
Yoga went well. It’s a laid-back class with an instructor that says things like “let’s wring out the toxins” and “breath into your third eye”, and while I have yet to actually believe any of that, I did find myself wringing out the angst of the day – alternately feeling hopeless and upset with myself for KNOWING BETTER and yet still fucking it all up, and feeling the strength of my intention to DO BETTER tomorrow.
I ended on a good note (maybe I did wring out those toxins after all ha!) and decided that I would give myself one intention for today: to not react.
No matter what the triggers, the insanity, the anger or stress around me, I would not react. I would hold back and observe. And if I did just that, I would be proud of myself.
And I did, for the most part.
I think it’s a good starting point.
Lunch today, with a close friend. So many reasons to be grateful: our friendship which I value tremendously, the freedom of freelance that allowed me to take an hour for lunch (as it was my choice to escape an important meeting to attend), the financial freedom to go someplace fancy and order a big lunch, and the freedom to eat more than I would have before quitting, knowing that I have an additional ~1000 calories per day to burn on real food instead of booze.