The second day I’ve missed. The first was the evening before my first sober wedding… and last night I have no excuse. Just life. There were cravings, for sure. C had a nice G&T to celebrate Friday and I felt that strong urge of “you deserve this” after the work week. The urge to unplug, to disconnect, to erase. The boys have provided a rollercoaster mix of complete joy and utter exhaustion lately and after putting them to bed, I caved to that urge by smoking pot. I wasn’t alone – C joined me, and we actually ended up having one of the best nights together we’ve had in a long time. Real, connected conversation on a variety of topics and warmth between us. I’d like to think it wasn’t the pot, but regardless, I enjoyed it and the last thing on my mind was holing up at my computer to post.
It was primarily my day with the boys – gymnastics, then our local nature center, then lunch-naps-dinner-groceries-bedtime all in back-to-back order. While they were napping, in that wonderful sunlit part of the afternoon, C pulled a nice bottle of red out of the wine fridge and opened it to breath, commenting on it’s year and reasons why he wanted to try it now vs next year. All of this is familiar territory, and would have turned into a pleasant tasting between us while the kids slept.
Today, I struggled. A lot. Missing out. Wanting a taste. Knowing I couldn’t even try a little. He asked, “Didn’t you say you’d eventually have a glass when we open a nice bottle?” And I had to respond that maybe I would, but not now. And honestly, I hate the thought that I will never again, but I am scared that if I open that door now or in the future, it will eventually lead to where I was when I quit. I certainly have been down that road many times quitting cigarettes.
In any case, the wine experience is a really really tough one to give up.
And tonight, having just put the boys down after a long, wonderfully busy day, I’m headed downstairs for a puff and snuggle on the couch, maybe a stupid movie. I’ve earned it.
And yes, I know that it’s not healthy. One goddamn thing at a time.