Feeling so empty today. Not sure there is much to say.
Yesterday and today were a struggle to stay present in the pain. Work was an escape for most of the day (just finishing now at 11pm), and the boys provided the usual joy- and drama-filled chaos that was a welcome distraction today. But mixed into that were moments of profound sadness, anger, questioning, wanting it to not be true then realizing with leaden grief that it was.
One of my first reactions yesterday was to give myself permission to drink. That voice in my head said, Go ahead – this trumps everything else. It would be OK if you drank tonight. Totally understandable. Numbing the grief would be natural, healthy even.
But I pushed it aside and had tea and cookies instead.
Tonight, I almost smoked up. Honestly, I probably would have if the vaporizer was charged, but it wasn’t. And I think that is for the best.
In what few spare moments I have to process right now, I should be doing just that.