Tonight’s boozy thoughts had to do with how I discount any behavior done while drinking or smoking, for myself or others. For example, I may design/create/write/think something I think is profoundly creative while I’m high, but then realize in the sober light of the next day that it actually wasn’t as great as I thought. I know this happens to all of us, but now that I’m sober (mostly), it kind of sucks to be on the “other” side.
Tonight, that feeling of being in a less-fun, more critical, but possibly more balanced place came during the boys’ story time. C was asked to read a story, which is unusual – and he was soaking it up. Already a bit soaked himself (the bourbon & beer started earlier than normal today), his enthusiasm was a bit boisterous and weird. He’d whisper one page, and then belt out the next. Then interject some story about himself that related, indirectly, to the words on the page, but held no interest to the boys at all. The boys kept looking to me for a reaction, and I just rolled my eyes and smiled. They looked a bit confused at first and then played along.
I hated that I was criticizing his reading. I mean, how often does the poor man get a chance to read to his kids? They’re always screaming, “NO, MOMMY READS!!!” and pushing him away. It made me feel like a miserable sad grump, discounting his enthusiasm because of his drinking.
But the truth is, he was Less Than.