Day 108


After burning the candle at both ends, my hope is to go to bed super early tonight although I still have a list of things to do… so please excuse the quick thoughts, with no filter.

Confidence. Today’s therapy session focused a lot on that. And it has me thinking – as I have before – of all the small ways I behave that chip away at my own self-confidence. Drinking was a major one, and I noticed a real increase in self-confidence after quitting. I’m sure pot is on that list – it always makes me second-guess myself for a day or two after smoking.

I’m a nail biter, who has managed to get the habit under control for periods of my adult life. But it goes in cycles. And when under extreme stress, I find that I end up biting without thinking, or without control. And when I bite my hard-won and carefully curated nails all off, I notice a huge dip in my confidence. I end up really upset with myself, and start going down the negative pathways like ” you just think you’ll get over these bad habits, but really, you’ll always succumb” “you’re a failure and you can’t fix that” “there is no hiding the ugliness inside” etc. 

Really negative thoughts.

And I’m halfway there right now. I’ve trimmed my nails down and am trying trying trying to not bite them. It’s incredible what a compulsive and persistent habit this is. I’d gone for months this time.

Aside from that, the lack of exercise coupled with too much time online, also contribute to a low self-image. And of course, anytime I do something I’m not proud of – yelling at the kids, acting bitchy to C, saying something not-so-nice about a co-worker etc, I feel low and Less Than.

I guess it’s good that I’m seeing these things so clearly now. At least then, I can try to address them. It can be so hard though!

We know what’s best for us, but we struggle to actually do it. Why?