Day 11

Marigold & Mars, custom embroidery

This will be a short one, I’m typing it from a broken iPad as C took the guest room which doubles as my office. If I had to venture a guess, which we all know is dangerous in marriage especially… I would say that he’s upset by my recent behavior.

Tonight, instead of going to the Modest Mouse show he’d arranged tickets for (at my request, months ago), I decided I was better off staying close to home and kickboxing instead. The concert was at a bar, and I would have been going by myself (C goes to bed early due to work schedules, and somehow my concert-going friends were all busy). It seemed dicey.

So this translated into him putting boys to bed while I left to go exercise, for the second night this week.

We’ve been increasingly distant over the last few months, primarily because I haven’t put in the effort to connect that I used to. All the effort, unreciprocated, was starting to make me angry. And that was no good for anyone.

So, I decided to love myself the way I wanted to be loved, and not worry too much about his moods and negativity.

And honestly, that’s worked out quite well for me so far. But I don’t think he feels the same.

Right now, I’m grateful for the bed to myself (no snoring!) and the ability to stay up with the light on and read. It’s the small things. And you know what, I love myself for getting stronger, healthier and more independent every day. Let him worry about himself.

I’m quite content.