Day 112


Wow. We did it.

A bounce house party with 20 kids ages 2-5, filled with lots of sugar, excitement and NOISE! Only a couple minor injuries and meltdowns, and no potty accidents. Incredible. It’s amazing what parenting will do to lower your standards.

At the end of the day, the boys are tucked in and I’m about to go decompress with C (him with bourbon, me with pot). 

I will admit, coming to the end of all that effort and expenditure of energy and will power and everything else that a party like that requires, I really – I mean REALLY – wanted a drink. It’s interesting, observing my triggers from an objective distance. Why was the urge so strong then? What was I trying to escape, or erase, or numb down? Really, honestly? The boys were great, the experience went smoothly, C and I worked really well as a team, I was able to enjoy chatting with the other parents and my good friends while the Bounce House staff took care of all the hosting details (something I wasn’t aware they did, and a very nice perk!). Overall, it could not have gone better.

But I still wanted to unplug, escape, numb myself.

Maybe it was the sense of overwhelm. Maybe it was the “I earned this” feeling. 

In any case, I didn’t.

But I did have one thought as I lay there snuggling with the boys tonight, unplugging in a much more self-aware way. And that was that part of my success at this has to do with the fact that I’ve made this My Own Journey. I’m on my own with this. No one else’s journey looks anything like mine. And I’m owning it.

C’s habits, my friends’ choices, even my online sober buddies who come in and out of my life – quit or not quit, none of it has any bearing on my own decision to do this and stick with it.

I think that helps a lot.