Day 114


A couple little random thoughts for today.

One is that I’ve noticed a difference in my mornings since quitting alcohol. My hands no longer shake. It had gotten so bad, especially on those really hungover mornings, that I had to hold my coffee cup with two hands if I didn’t want to splash it around. At the office, I was self-conscious any time I had to raise a bottle of water to my mouth, as I knew my hand was shaking noticeably.

I used to think it was just me – high-strung, stressed-out, nervous. I’ve even had people comment on it over the years, “You okay?” “No need to be worried” etc. And I would feel this twinge of embarrassment because I *wasn’t* worried, I was just shaky.

Granted, it would get worse with lack of sleep and stress, but now I’m realizing how much the alcohol had to do with it.

So that’s a nice perk.

The second thought is more of an reflection on some of the behaviors I had that caused me to realize I had a problem. Maybe they’re unique to me and I’m a weirdo, or maybe not. But in any case, I’m throwing them out here in this confessional space as a way of bringing all of it to light.

  • I used to “suck” on the first few sips of my heavy G&Ts. They would be so strong, I wouldn’t swallow the first sip down for a few moments. I’d wait and hold it in my mouth, swirling it around and letting it sink in. I used to wonder if it got into my bloodstream quicker that way. For some reason, this behavior made me feel like an alcoholic.
  • I used to turn my back to anyone in the room when pouring my G&Ts, ashamed of how much gin I was pouring in.
  • I’d be happy when C went to bed (always earlier than I), because that meant I could drink as much as I wanted in peace. Not that he’d have said anything, but I wanted it to be private.
  • I wouldn’t ever drink as much in public as I wanted to – I saved my “real drinking” for the times when I was home alone after everyone else was in bed. Which was pretty much every night. And if there was a night where I needed to stay sober for whatever reason, I would be stressed out about it, often staying up super late so that I could fit in enough late-night drinking to catch a buzz before bed. Many attempts at doing evening yoga or kickboxing classes would fall short because I couldn’t interrupt my drinking schedule. Nothing like trying to kickbox after a few glasses of wine…
  • I still can’t believe I would bring a glass of wine or a G&T upstairs to drink during the boy’s bedtime routine. I couldn’t even put the drink down for an hour to spend time with them. This behavior didn’t bother me much in the moment, but it leaves me feeling so ashamed now.

I’m sure there are more, but these are a few that have been on my mind lately.