Day 145



So lately, I’m failing at my goal of holding back and not reacting, especially when it comes to my marriage. I don’t want to beat myself up over it, but I wish I could get a little quicker at catching myself before it happens. It wasn’t until late last night that I realized I’d been reactionary during a disagreement and probably did some damage.

Listening to my audible book today, something hit home.

The author mixes in mini-chapters called Liminal Points, where she does some myth-busting. Today’s Liminal Point was about alcohol giving us courage. In a nutshell, it doesn’t. It numbs our senses so we don’t feel the fear, but in the end it chips away at our confidence and the behavior we may believe to be courageous in the moment is often just stupid.

What I found applicable to my recent failings is the thought that emotions should be listened to. Ignoring our emotions can have negative consequences. In the case of fear, we could even get hurt. With anger, we never get a chance to learn WHY we are feeling angry (the deeper Why, not the surface Why: “She wouldn’t watch TV with me” vs “I felt rejected and hurt”), and then learn to deal with it in healthier ways. Years and years of burying our feelings cause us to become out-of-touch with ourselves. And when you’re out-of-touch with your core self, you’re not able to love that person for who they really are.

It all comes back to love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi Lara Maurino

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for this morning’s workout and potential yoga class tonight, and more importantly, I’m grateful for my husband who, so far, has not been reactionary about my angry outburst last night.