Day 150

CGI Portrait 3.0, by Antoni Tudisco


What a scramble. Amazing how one morning can run so smoothly, and another feel like a complete disaster. I’m proud of the fact that two days in a row I managed to be in bed before 11pm (asleep is another matter), and fit in a 15-minute workout before starting the day.

Boys joined me for the workout again this morning… which did not work out as well as yesterday. A lot of interruptions and annoyance, and starting the day off on the wrong foot. Little C ended up in a time out before I’d even had my first coffee. Sigh.

I’d like to say it improved from there, but the scramble continues. Getting the boys to do pretty much anything was a huge struggle so we were late for daycare, then I was pulled aside by one of their teachers to chat, so was late to an early conference call – with account people pinging me left & right, and then the expectations for my participation in the call were much higher than I’d planned due to a number of frustrating finger-pointing situations all outside of my control (but extremely high-stress). Unfortunately agency life has taught me that bullying doesn’t disappear after high school.

Deep breaths. Deeeeeeeep breaths. 

Today, I am 100% the Hot Mess Mom. And ya know what, that’s OK.

I used to be this mom every morning*, thanks to alcohol. Staying up too late the night before, waking up sluggish with brain stuck to the side of my head, irritable  and impatient with the boys – which always guaranteed they’d slow down and become more difficult, and pretty much ineffectual until my second cup of coffee – I was always late to daycare, ALWAYS. Sometimes, dropping them off in tears. It was a complete nightmare, and part of the reason I quit.

Life is getting easier these days, for a number of reasons, but quitting has been one of the biggest factors.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to have a stable freelance job right now, even if that means I have moments of stress like today. Overall, it’s a great “perma-lance” job and I enjoy it.


*Listening to This Naked Mind’s chapter on the effects of alcohol withdrawal yesterday, this thought really hit home: When we drink heavily, daily, we are in a constant cycle of withdrawal when not drinking. The effects of withdrawal are chronic exhaustion, irritability, rage, and an inability to cope with the daily, common, stressors of life. HOLY SHIT. That was pretty much me on a daily basis. And yes, my life is stressful and anger-inducing at times, guaranteed. But alcohol was only making that much, much worse. And my ability to cope with all of the stress in my life was greatly reduced by something I THOUGHT was helping. How wrong could I have been. 

Here’s an article on some of the highlights from This Naked Mind (by another author), that go into greater depth on alcohol’s effect on the body and mind.