For about a week prior, I anticipated Day 1 with an almost electric sense of change. Days flew by in a fury of adrenalin. My stomach in knots. Finding myself mid-conversation, staring into space… “is everything ok?” Constantly thinking about my Plan, all the details and the preparation, the unforeseen challenges ahead. Unable to sleep.
Then it hit me.
I’d felt this way before, twice. Once was when I’d packed (or sold) all my belongings and moved to Italy – not knowing anyone there, not knowing the language, and without much of a plan except the immediate job I’d arranged to get my feet on the ground. The second time was when I quit my high-powered and highly stressful job to freelance. Both were conscious decisions made to improve my life, knowing that I was headed into the Unknown, but that the Unknown had a lot of potential. Both decisions were life-changing in the best possible way.
But there was a sense of leaving everything behind. Almost like traveling into outer space. Will I ever return? Will I be the same? What does that future look like? Will those I love be there when I get back?
When I deplaned in Milan, I walked out of the airport into blinding sunlight. In that moment, and in many many moments that followed, I had a deep sense of being exactly where I was supposed to be. Where I wanted to be.
It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. I had recurring nightmares of dying, alone, in a foreign place, where no one who loved me knew I’d died. It was horribly lonely at first, not knowing the language or anyone around me. But never did I lose that sense of Rightness.
In a similar way, quitting my job and going into business for myself has been Right. In spite of the hardships, the late nights, the personal investment and constant striving. I’ve had offers to return to full-time work, but easily turned them down. I am where I’m supposed to be.
What is Day 2 like?
Feeling anxious and jittery. I can’t tell how much of my twisted gut is fear, how much is excitement, and how much is just detox. But I know it’s Right.