I’ll admit it, I’m a mess.
Life is full of sharp edges right now. The news, my marriage, work, my kids, my body struggling with this. It all hurts.
I snapped at my boys multiple times during the witching hour last night – my toughest time, 5pm – 8:30pm. The time I would usually be a few drinks in, “to take the edge off”. I snapped at my husband, trying to ask for help but not doing it very gracefully. And then, when he took off in the middle of the chaos to walk the dogs (setting a new precedent for avoidance), I found myself feeling desperately angry.
Nights have been tough too. Laying awake, struggling with my racing thoughts, feeling the anxiety of insomnia mount as the hours go by. Sunday night, the twins woke up around 1:30am wanting to come to bed with us – I was still awake when they cried out. Then lay awake while they snuggle-pinned me in from both sides. Last night, only one came to bed with me, after I’d finally fallen asleep in the wee hours – but the sleep was still interrupted.
People say the first thing you notice when you quit is the improvement in your quality of sleep. I’d love to see that, if only I could get to sleep and stay asleep. Husband’s snoring has never been so incredibly irritating.
I find myself falling apart into tears at the smallest things. It’s like I don’t recognize myself. My emotions are all over the map – euphoria at the thought of being free from this, or in the moments after working out when my body is still thrilling. Dark, angst-filled moments reading the newsfeed, wondering what kind of world I’m bringing these children into. Deeply angry, hot, irritated tension between my husband and I – will we make it through this? Desperate anxiety about being a mother, in the moments where the boys try my patience to the brink. How do they know when I’m at my weakest?
Stay strong, one right choice at a time. No need to conquer tomorrow, just right now. That’s what I keep telling myself.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”