Day 206

Take Off, Resin art painting by Sandy Fairn


“Ti rendi difficile la vita”

My perceptive friend said this years ago and it’s really stuck with me. In a moment of angst as I sobbed to her about a recent breakup she sighed,”You make life so difficult, my dear”.  This comment, coming at a moment of vulnerability, was hard to hear when I would have preferred warm, comforting words that pushed the responsibility of my pain on anyone but myself.

But over the years, with the distance needed to process and observe, I’ve noticed the truth in this statement.

It always comes back to me in moments when life does feel extremely difficult – and I reflect on the possibility that I’ve somehow, for some reason, caused it to be this way. And often, I have.

I don’t know why I do this, why I choose to challenge myself, overwhelm myself, take on more than I can handle, try to change things I have no control over. 

But I do know that just in recent weeks and days, I’m starting to accept life as-is instead of fighting with it – trying control it and make it what I think it SHOULD be in the moment.

Because sometimes, life just IS. And I don’t need to change it, make it my version of “better”.

Keeping a weekly notebook of work/home/life tasks as well as my little bullet journal of goals has helped me realize 1) I already accomplish an inhuman amount every day 2) I always seem to add about 1-2 too many tasks to complete each day and 3) when I make lists and checkboxes, it adds an internal pressure to complete things that is a construct I don’t necessarily need to listen too. I’m allowed to cut myself a break.

Now, I’m playing hooky from work to do a kickboxing class, having worked until midnight last night to give myself this break.

Grateful for the physical health and time flexibility to do this.