Day 219


Back, and still sober! This weekend was exhaustingly, wonderfully full, leaving me wrung out at the end of both days. Between that and the fact that last week was an off-track week for me in a number of ways, I didn’t get around to posting.

This week, I’m planning to be back on track 100%. 

In spite of the wrinkle in usual routine though, I stayed on the wagon through the boozy Cinco de Mayo party and even, dare I say, enjoyed it MORE than usual.

I’m beginning to realize that alcohol did NOT calm me down or help me socialize with more ease. My memories of this event involve loud, obnoxious conversations with friends, interspersed with panicked moments of wondering where my kids were (always close by, but hard to track in a packed house and yard). It’s been interesting having these Firsts – and experiencing flash-backs while talking with people. “Hmm this time last year, I was yelling in her ear about my own personal problems, having no idea how badly that made me look” or “I would have been on my 3rd or 4th drink by now, and my social skills would be slowly slipping as I awkwardly made my way around the party”.

Sure, I would have become more animated and touchy-feely when drinking. But I remember the awkwardness, the interrupting people, talking loudly over the top of others, not knowing the best way to connect, more than anything.

I’m noticing a couple differences between Sober Me and Drinking Me that are neither good nor bad. I’m quieter, keep more of my problems to myself, sometimes feel shy or withdrawn in social settings – more than I did before. And I’m less hug-y. Still figuring out the appropriate personal boundaries now that alcohol isn’t a factor in lowering them.

Grateful to all of my friends who push past the quietness and reluctance to embrace me warmly and open themselves up to conversation. 

Still getting to know this new me.