Day 29

Rainy day still life, Valeda Beach Stull

Rainy Sunday

Procrastinating right now. I really should be building a website, but I’m here instead to record a story from last night.

At the end of the night, my main emotion was elation at staying away from the booze without too much effort. But, as I’m realizing is common, the emotions of the night weren’t that easy to deal with. I may be doing a good job of ignoring alcohol, but I’m struggling to ignore or deal with the raw emotions that apparently come when you subtract that numbing device. I’m realizing that maybe that argument at the wedding was spurred on by my own internal struggles at being in the romantic environment of a wedding when our own marriage is struggling. If I’d been drinking, I’m sure I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. Those raw, rough emotions would have been buried and I would have been in a much more pleasant state of mind.
Similarly, last night I struggled a bit. One of my plans to distract myself was to take time to have tarot cards read by someone they hire every year. I didn’t give her a lot of information – just something like “I’m interested in my own self-development over the next year” but the cards I pulled all told a story of cutting ties with an important person and being better off without them. I don’t believe in that kind of thing but it did leave me thinking. As I drove home, I passed a sign at a church that read “Before seeds can be planted, the ground must be tilled” and it felt a fitting explanation of where I’m at currently.
I feel like my life is being turned over and around and mixed and torn apart in a good way. Of course this is all happening internally, but it does affect those around me. While the tarot cards predicted an end to our relationship, I am choosing to believe that the destruction I am feeling internally is a sign of positive change and opportunity for new growth to happen. Hopefully this occurs within our marriage as well as inside me. 
But first, I must work on myself – with my many flaws and baggage and emotional immaturity and then, maybe a year or two down the road, when I’m over the grief and newness of giving up alcohol, I may be ready to work on our marriage. Now, if only I could stick to that.
I guess I could start by not procrastinating anymore and getting back to work… baby steps.