Day 320

Bloody dairy


I just read a post in one of my Facebook sobriety groups written by a man in the music industry who has been quit for over a year. He was sharing what that first year was like and described hitting an emotional wall around 8 months in. Actually, he admits to having an emotional breakdown.

It’s made me feel a bit better about the slump I’m in. I don’t need to have everything worked out at this point. There is still a lot of emotional baggage that I need to work through – things I haven’t processed over the years thanks to alcohol – and even if I can’t quite put my finger on what’s going on under the surface… I need to give myself room to be unhappy, unsettled, uncomfortable in my own skin. 

It doesn’t mean that all the progress I’ve made over the last 10 months is gone. It just means that I’m working through something new, and maybe that means I’m about to grow again.

Superficially, life is going pretty damn good right now.

My long-term freelance client just offered me a staff position again, this time with the flexibility I need, so I’m considering it. The boys have matured so much this summer – overall, they are a real joy to spend time with and we are having a blast swimming, beaching, exploring, and goofing off together. C and I are in a happy period, planning for an upcoming night away when we travel to upstate NY later in August.

But there isn’t a day that goes by without some thought of alcohol.

Today, it surfaced a few times.

When I was making a restaurant reservation for our anniversary, every place had its drink offerings displayed alongside the food menus and although I care about C’s preferences, I had to put blinders on to avoid feeling sad about giving up the date-night pre-dinner cocktails, wine pairings with dinner, and post-dinner night caps.

This Saturday, we have a party to attend where the hosts have a yearly beer tasting contest. Up until this year, C and I would spend time figuring out what was the best beer to bring and then join in the tasting fun (we won a hand-carved mini surfboard one year!). This year, there has been no talk of bringing a contester.

And lastly, as I close up shop to join the family downstairs for dinner, wondering how much C has already had to drink, it occurred to me that I’d noticed him drinking sparkling water at this time of day recently. Who knows, maybe he’s taking a few days off?