Monday
Still sober and slumping along.
I’m trying to pinpoint why I’m so stalled here. It’s disappointing that the forward momentum for positive change and self-improvement has slowed down. For awhile there, I was cooking along – making changes left and right, and most of them have stuck (drinking homemade green juice right now and have plans to attend kickboxing tonight yay me).
I guess I thought sobriety would always be like that – just one major improvement after another until I was enlightened or something.
Who knows? Maybe some people experience it that way.
But right now, I’m feeling a bit down on myself for the myriad of ways in which I’m falling short on my journey of self-improvement. And then of course, a part of me rebels and says “Damn it S, you need to let go of your over-achiever high expectations. This is one of your issues! Stop trying to be perfect and just accept yourself where you are at right now.”
And mostly, I think that voice is worth listening to. Except when it comes to unhealthy addictive replacements for alcohol. I need to get a handle on those behaviors, and I think if I do – I’ll feel better about myself.
Getting outside of my head and into the reality of this past weekend, we enjoyed our friend’s yearly “Endless Summer” party where the beer tasting challenge took most of the night, and the alcohol flowed freely.
I was reminded how awkward I am in certain social situations, darting randomly around the periphery as if I have a purpose – but mainly just trying to avoid people. Having kids has been great for this in years past – as they’ve required constant attention. But this year, they were pretty self-sufficient and I found myself without an excuse.
In the past, grabbing a drink and chatting over the beer coolers had been one way of fitting in. And after a few, it didn’t matter anyway.
But this year, my social awkwardness was on full display.
It reminded me of this article, by one of my favorite female voices, hip sobriety, quoted below.
The beauty in feeling awkward and being sober is that you become who you are, because you can no longer use the thing you were using to hide who you are.