It’s been almost 2 months since I last posted. The holidays have come and gone, and the new year has begun, ready or not.
I’m in a strange uncomfortable place lately which is why I haven’t logged on, and also why I chose to log on today. To document it, because sobriety isn’t about having it all figured out in a neat and tidy package for a blog post.
It’s messy and uncomfortable and painful and un-fun sometimes.
Maybe I’m going through a midlife unraveling.
But I’m still sober.
Not even a week’s vacation with C’s extended family at a lodge in a West Virginia state park, sans AF beverage options and surrounded by drinkers, could change that.
In fact, during that week, any time I was the only 100% sober adult wandering around looking for something to drink and passing beer after beer after beer (and whiskey and wine and and and), none of it was tempting in the slightest. And the main reason was the taste. Absolutely zero temptation to give up all that I’ve gained for something that I knew wouldn’t taste that great.
So, while I may be falling apart in other ways, at least I’ve maintained my sobriety.
Due to a number of reasons – some more obvious to me than others, the turn of the year was a rough one for me this time. I’ve swam around in a sea of confusion for the last few days, struggling to sleep at night, biting my nails to the quick, short with myself, C and the boys… just feeling lost.
So I decided to buckle down and make some concrete plans to help me wade through it. A mix of New Years resolutions and goals for a better future:
- Get back to therapy to help me sort through some of the internal tangle
- Make a list of what fills my soul with happiness (not escapes as much as bucket-filling activities – true self-care as described in this article) and try to do more of them
- Make a list of what makes me feel shitty physically and mentally, and try to do less
- Start pushing TOWARD inner pain and discomfort to understand it better, instead of escaping
- Take a long hard look at what I’m doing to damage my relationship with C, and try to start building instead of destroying even, and in spite of when he continues to avoid his own responsibility in the relationship
- Work on a list of why to stay and why to go
- Work harder at becoming complete on my own so that the emotional ups and downs of C and the boys don’t affect me so much
- Find books to obsess about rather than online shopping, it’s okay if they’re novels and not parenting or self-improvement books.
- More exercise, whatever/however I can make it happen (even if it means getting up at 4am and doing body-weight exercises at home)
- Stay away from the green during the week, keeping it as a treat on the weekends, reminding myself that daily use makes me unhappy with myself and takes away from the overall pleasure of the experience, plus it muddies the clarity I’ve gained from quitting alcohol
- Better sleep by cutting out the social media scrolling at the end of the day
Ending on a groove that I like – no deep meaning, just good blues.