Day 56 & 57

Soul III, Hiroyuki Dog

Sat-Sun – The end of the holiday

Really down today.

And as I sat to type this, conversations from this weekend ringing in my head, I had a minor revelation. All this time, I’ve been telling myself and others that I’m learning how to own my happiness – finding ways to take better care of myself, investing in people, places, things that inspire and improve me, learning who I am and how to be gentler and kinder to that person.

The Revelation? Part of this process needs to be about owning my unhappiness as well.

I’m learning not to dwell there unhealthily, but the drinking (especially during the holidays) was such an escape from uncomfortable emotion that I haven’t learned how to really BE with awkward painful sadness. I need to learn how to notice it, accept it. Maybe try to figure out the real reasons why? And work to keep it contained to myself, not take it out on those around me.

As with my happiness, my unhappiness is all me. I can look for reasons – for people or situations to blame it on, but in the end, I am the only one who can do something about it. There is no point in assigning blame – it doesn’t get you anywhere. The best way forward is through. What’s the phrase? “When you’re going through hell, keep going?”

I think for years, I turned around and went backwards, or just stopped, when facing shitty emotions. And now, I need to work at facing them, embracing them, taking ownership and learning from them… then moving on.

There were a couple tough moments during this Thanksgiving, and through it all I stayed sober. But it felt very raw. I shed tears to a SIL, offended another by mistake, took offense at C’s treatment of me around his family, felt more out-of-place and awkward than usual. Just a big ball of emotions. I know there were a few contributing factors, but I’m guessing the lack of alcohol was a big one. 

An early run today helped, now – I’m headed to bed in hopes of getting a good night’s sleep before a busy week.