Day 6

Lots of outdoor time working in the yard again. It’s a gorgeous fall day and I’m feeling the warmth of the sun still on my skin. I think the physical activity helps.

But now we’re headed into Friday night and I’m nervous about the weekend.

Even if I’d cut back during the week, the weekend, especially Friday night with the expanse of the weekend ahead, was our time to get CRANKY. Thankfully, C hasn’t been making his G&Ts in my earshot (per request) but I’m sure he’s at least 2 stiff ones in by now. Wine or beer with dinner, then on to the bourbon with beer chasers. I would have joined in the pre-dinner G&Ts, happily connecting with him about our days and getting a nice buzz on before the chaos of dinner began. 

Then, I’d have a few glasses of wine with dinner. Post-dinner, I’d take my wine glass with me to give the boys a bath, refilling if the evening was strenuous (which is usually is) before story time. Both of us would have a drink in the bedroom while putting the boys down. And I knew that was kind of sad and inappropriate. God knows how many beers and wines we’ve spilled up there because of the unpredictability of that hour and two crazy naked boys.

Once boys were down, all bets were off. We’d continue drinking until C passed out on the couch (doesn’t take long – we never, I mean never, make it through a whole movie or show), and then I’d usually have one more before pulling myself to bed.

But not tonight!

No plans for tonight other than going to a book club if I start feeling desperate around C’s drinking. If not, we might make a bonfire in the backyard, and if that becomes too much of a trigger (quite possible), I admit I’m considering taking a puff off the vaporizer – something I’ve avoided all week. We’ll see.

Today’s work in the yard was putting down topsoil and reseeding the front lawn. Seemed like such an easy task setting out, but it was rather back-breaking and sweaty and took the better part of 4 hours. As I carefully spread out the dirt, and then the fertilizer, and then sprinkled the seed… I thought about how long it would take to see results. I’m an inpatient person, and having done this before, I know I’m going to need to wait at least 2 weeks before those little green shoots start appearing.

I feel the same way about this quitting thing. It feels strenuous and difficult, and I won’t see results for a long time, but I’m investing in something that will pay off down the road. And it will be worth it.