Day 75


I love watching these numbers pile up. 75 feels like a nice, solid, committed kind of number. And I feel solid about my decision, for so many reasons.

Tonight, and many many nights since I’ve quit, I noticed a difference in the way I feel as I put my boys to bed.

Before, by the time we were tucking them in, I’d have had at least 2-3, maybe 4 drinks. And I’m being generous, as one of those was usually a stiff G&T that probably counted for more like 2-3 drinks in and of itself. Bath time, although fun, would have been stressful for me, as I tried to wrangle the two of them through the process and into pajamas. 

Stories, bathroom break, then lullabies, then bed. All with a clock ticking in my head. Only X minutes until this is done, and I can get back to drinking/relaxing.

The end of the process was always the worst. All the extra requests, Mom, could I have more water? Mom, could you sing another song? Mom, could you snuggle with me? Mom, lay on the couch please? would start to drive me nuts and I’d often lose it and yell, Thats enough! I’m leaving and I’m not coming back!

It almost always ended poorly.

But now? Now, although the process can still be just as exhausting, I find myself connecting more, forgiving more, compromising (without losing control!), and at the end – all those extra requests? I’m there for them.

Those bedtime snuggles are precious now. C has a way he likes to hold my hand as we snuggle. And he always yawns after I lay down with him, as if it helps him relax. W scoots over to make room, and wants me to wrap my arm over him just so. He often falls asleep in the two minutes I lay there with him. And if either of them wants extra snuggle time?

Well, I’ve got nothing better to do.

Let’s Be Still, The Head and the Heart