Day 65

Head 2 head, John Martini

Monday

Made it through another day, one foot in front of the other. I wake up overwhelmed on days like this but tell myself I just need to get to the next step. Coffee, kids fed, dressed, myself dressed, daycare drop-off, commute, Work Crazy followed by Home Crazy, then dinner, then more freelance, then shower, then bed.

It flies by. And today actually went well, from my internal perspective. I didn’t lose my cool at home or at work, in spite of mounting tensions and looming deadlines. C continues to be sick with this flu bug, so I ran out for medicine and chicken soup after putting boys down.

Just finished dinner and freelance computer work, and am headed to shower – hoping to be in bed by midnight.

Not much room for pondering today but I’ve been obsessively listening to the Esther Perel series on Audible, Where Should We Begin? after This American Life  featured her in one of their segments. 

She is a true genius who sees to the heart of mankind, and works miracles in these one-session meetings with couples in crisis. Yes, I was drawn in because of our own marital struggles, but I’ve remained rapt because of the human-ness of the stories and their global applicability. 

So much of our struggles and angst can be tied back to the desire for connection. 

And alcohol (or other substance) abuse is the opposite of connection. It’s primary purpose is a tool for disengagement, avoidance, dismissal, erasure. No wonder that those of us who struggle with addiction feel extremely alone.

Edited to add:

I’ve struggled to find the right image for this post. I wanted it to be about true human connection, but didn’t want anything too sappy. Then I remembered this sculpture I’ve passed almost daily on the work commute, and what it has come to mean to me over the years. Two faces, which only connect in a kiss at one precise angle and moment of viewing. All of the other views of this sculpture present them as separate entities. How true is this of relationships as well. Depending on the point of view, they can be made up of two “I”s or one “We”.

Day 64

Sunday

We turned it into Christmas around here today! Went out and got a tree, decorated it and even sat near it singing songs tonight. Well, two songs, interrupted by scolding, crying and one twin running off and wreaking havoc, so not really a Silent Night.

But they’re in bed now, and I’m trying to wrap my head around the upcoming week.

Tonight’s battle with alcohol started with C’s lovely chilled white wine pre-dinner. I’m realizing what a reward alcohol was for me after a long day, or a productive afternoon of freelance, or a stressful day with the boys. In fact, since those scenarios pretty much describe every day around here, it was just a reward for getting through the day.

That glass though. Such perfection. And the little voice in my head, “You’re doing better now – what’s one glass? How could it really hurt? Are you really going to never have wine again? Why be so hard-lined about it – you were never really an alcoholic etc etc”

I gave that voice a nod, took note of the trigger (reward for completing a shit-ton of freelance work at a record-breaking pace, as well as compiling our Christmas card list and ordering pre-labeled family picture cards from Shutterstock… basically, working a miracle during the boys’ 2-hr nap) and pressed forward into the dinner, bath, bedtime craziness. I don’t have much in the house in the way of replacements, but I grabbed a fancy cold-pressed juice and tried to savor it in the same way.

It’s amazing how strong the urge can be at times. 

But I have a lot riding on this. And I see such profound benefit. I can’t give that up now.

Day 63

Michael Flynn 12-2-17, NBC News

Sadurday

With the news roller coaster and life’s own, less important, but more immediate dramas, today has been an emotional day.

Working on 6hrs of sleep – so an improvement over the last week’s average, the boys and I spent the morning together having a lot of fun… strenuous to be sure, but fun. My patience ran out around lunchtime though. They are a tough crew to wrangle to do just about anything, even fun stuff like playground visits, and I just ran out of the patience needed to ask the same thing nicely 5x in a row.

C came in and took over after I snapped at one of the boys and literally picked him up and put him in his lunch seat. I took myself upstairs into time out and collected my wits.

No reason, other than lack of sleep & stress, that I should be this high-strung today, but here I am. 

Tonight, C is drinking less than usual, from my side-eye glances. And I think he’s been alternating his G&Ts during the week with cranberry sodas. Might I hope that he’s working on his own habit? Or maybe it’s that he was sick.

In any case, he’s pretty sober tonight, and I’m looking forward to having a bit of time together after boys go down.

Now, on to the bedtime Crazy – got naked twins running into the room.

PM Update:

Ended up watching a movie with C, eating popcorn and found myself almost reaching for his beer for a sip. Out of habit and desire. It was insane! My body really wanted it, compulsively. And this after deciding I hated the smell – hahah! 

My roller coaster brain. sigh.

Day 62

Intense mammatus clouds form over northern Oklahoma, Mike Hollingshead

Friday

What a day. This is one for the history books, kids. Key takeaways from Flynn’s guilty plea. I keep checking Twitter (which I never do) waiting for a response from Trump, but nothing yet!

In other news, work was insane but I have help now. They found me a junior digital designer and we cranked today. Thankful for the help, and for the fact that it’s Friday.

Boys are over their flu bug (which explains the sleepless nights this week), but now their dad has it, BAD. It’s like a man cold but much much worse. Which brings me to my thought nugget for the day… 

 The need for Acknowledgement.

After listening to the podcast from last night (This American Life, Fermi’s Paradox) and connecting with the middle story “Two can be as sad as one” about lonely marriage (boo hoo, me and the rest of the world, right?), I’m mulling over the very human need for recognition. Acknowledgment. Just another person shifting their focus off themselves and really SEEING us for who we are, and accepting us.

Why? Why do we need this so deeply?

Well because we aren’t doing a good job of giving it to ourselves, for whatever reason. And it’s up to us to figure out why. Then maybe try to do a better job of accepting ourselves.

Easy to say, tough to do.

Another worry pebble in my brain pocket is this need for Differentiation.

Within marriage, families, with our children.

Thinking of our boys, undifferentiated yet:

In general, similar to self-esteem, as children we’re able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self–that is, other than that which has been transmitted to us by our caretakers. So if our parents were unable, or unwilling, to communicate the message that we were totally okay and acceptable–independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors–we were primed to view ourselves ambivalently. The positive regard we received from our parents may have depended almost totally on how we acted, and unfortunately we learned that many of our behaviors weren’t acceptable to them. So, identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably came to see ourselves as in many ways inadequate. 

Funny – I’ve given thought to how my tone of voice affects our dogs, wanting to make sure that overall, I use a loving tone with them – not just corrective. Maybe I could apply that more with my boys and husband too. 

Lots of thoughts and links, now some tunes before bed:

Satie, 3 Gymnopedies