Day 116


I started today in a place of real positivity – not really sure why. Maybe because I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night? Because I meditated before bed? Because I took my therapist’s words to heart and headed into the day with the best intentions?

Not sure. But in any case, I drove to work on a pink cloud and am hoping it carries me through the evening. “All one can be is their best self, and being that version of oneself will create happiness, intrinsically” – I can almost hear my therapist talking.

From this invincible pink cloud, I found myself pondering the upcoming holiday – Valentine’s Day. While my relationship with C is still distant, I’m in a much better place than I was last year at this time. I remember thinking that I doubted either of us would do anything for the other for Valentines. I knew *I* only had the capacity to do the minimum, most superficial expression – a card and a bottle of something.

In all actuality, it didn’t go poorly. C got me some cute jewelry and I think we even went on a date. 

But it was at that point that I had my internal epiphany: I needed to do a better job of loving myself. If I wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship, I would give it to myself, Damn It! And out of that place of sadness and negativity came the motivation for an entire year of growth and change.

Now, I’m grateful for the mental distress it took to get me to that moment.

So this year, it’s different. But I still find myself struggling to think of a gift. My default gift for him has always been booze. Fancy new bourbons to try. A 4-pack of some super hoppy IPA. A gift certificate to brew our own beer. Even our standard date-night experience is tied to alcohol – always starting the evening out with a couple fancy cocktails before digging into the meal.

Looking into experience gifts: a nice AirBnB a short drive away, a concert or play in the city, maybe another Cheese of the Month subscription.

It’s interesting though, when you go searching for gift ideas, how many websites seem to think that all men want is something related to beer, whiskey or bourbon. Beer jelly, anyone?