Day 164

Cenote II, by James Monnington


In the midst of a return to school schedule (post Daylight Savings), unpacking from our trip, reconnecting with C, organizing my work schedule between agency work and personal clients, and all the rest of Life going on right now, I’m currently feeling an undercurrent of stability. Of positivity. Of confidence and hope.

It’s not on the surface – which swirls about me with the usual dramas and stresses – it’s below that. Deep below.

I think I’m getting somewhere. 

Driving home from therapy today, the thought occurred to me that drinking was a form of unconscious self-harm. I knew that drinking was hurting me, but in a way, it was punishment for not being the person I thought I should be. And of course, the drinking only made me feel worse about that.

Now, I still beat myself up plenty, but below that, there is a thread – growing and gaining strength as the days go by – of worth, of consistent pride in my own behavior. A bank of memories that I can relax into. 

I’m learning to find my clear sky.

Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for a helpful, encouraging therapy session. For the chance to work out tonight, and for the yummy dinner smells wafting upstairs as I write this. Headed down now…