Day 176


Really struggling, and trying to figure out why. Most likely it’s that I’ve overbooked myself (as I sit here on the computer after almost a full day of weekend work for four different, non-agency clients) and am stressed out. On top of that stress is the pressure I’m putting on myself to fit in healthy stuff, like the yoga class this morning that kicked my ass, the recipes, and oh shit – right I still have to do my daily workout challenge. And of course, last but not least, my expectations that this will all help me be a more Zen mother and wife, which lately has not been happening at all.

C, in a very generous offer, took the boys to the aquarium this morning so I could fit in all the freelance and a bit of yoga – in an attempt to get it done today to leave tomorrow free for other things. The plan was that they’d be gone until about 3pm, boys would nap in the car.

At 1:30, I hear giggles and look out the window. They’re back! I was nowhere near done with my work, had yet to eat lunch, boys bedding was still in the wash, and nothing to be done about it. I admit, I was snappish with C when he was POSITIVE he told me they’d be back before 2pm and without naps. 

Of course, that conversation happened last night after he’d had more than a bit to drink, and like many conversations – he didn’t remember (or in this case, he misremembered). This may be one of my biggest pet peeves with having a partner who drinks every night. The memory loss.

Almost daily, there is some piece of information that I realize was lost in our communication from the night or nights before. I’ve learned not to have important conversations in the afternoon or evening, for this reason among many others, but the effect of the loss is still there. It’s common for me to ask, “Do you remember talking about XYZ last night?” because most of the time, he does not. So I leave notes, or I remind, or I just reiterate without reminding him that we already talked about that.

But today, I snapped. 

“I remember exactly what was said because I was SOBER! Drinking and memory do NOT go together! You said 3pm and naps in the car, I remember distinctly! ARGGGH!”

And then stormed off to deal with bedding laundry.

Now, I’ve cooled off and realize how stupid that outburst was – certainly not very helpful, and definitely not grateful for what he DID do – taking the boys out of the house to give me time to work.

I need to get better at feeding the Good and starving the Bad. 

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to C for the time to work. I’m grateful for a strenuous and technical yoga class at the new studio I’ve discovered near our house (and grateful for its proximity). I’m grateful that I got a lot accomplished, enough to not work tomorrow. I’m grateful for a simple evening ahead with family.