Day 197

Tamar Dovrat


Turns out two kids birthday parties in one weekend is too much for me. The boys and I attended a neighbor friend’s party today at the local Nature Center, one of our favorite places. And the party was fun! Boys were (mostly) well-behaved, considering yet again the focus was Sugar Sugar Sugar from the moment we arrived until the meltdown exit.

And then mommy had a meltdown as we pulled into the driveway and the boys wouldn’t stop rolling their windows up and down, up and down in the rain. 

Somehow, I get overwhelmed after too much time spent with them when they don’t listen. I have patience the first, fifth, fiftieth, time but somewhere in the hundreds I just lose my shit. And I lost it. Little W had made a magic fairy wand at the party, and was angry that I wouldn’t let him open the bubble blowing favor right that instant, so he threatened to break the wand. Trying to grab it away from him, impatiently struggling with him in an attempt to rescue the wand, we broke it between us. He started screaming and I bopped him over the head with the broken wand in the heat of my anger. 

I lost my temper just as badly as a 4-year-old. 

One of those moments where, had the neighbors been watching, I’m sure we’d be getting a call from CPS. Time for a time-out, mommy. I hustled him inside, him screaming, me yelling at Little C for another issue – to find Big C folding laundry in a zen-like place of happiness, post-morning-mountain-bike-ride. 

Thankfully, he took over from there as I was maxed out – and it was obvious.

I’m so upset with myself. If I could have only felt the heat rising and walked away, gone and found C and had him help me. I need to recognize when that moment is coming and head it off at the pass. Not get to that point of snapping.

I’m going to give some thought to this this week, and in the meantime I’m going to try to forgive myself and move on.

Last night, after my night off from adulting, I skipped meditating before bed. I walked right past my meditation station and up to bed, feeling a bit like I was cheating. Tonight, I’m back for sure. Exercise, super important. Sleep? 100% important. Head space? Just as important as both, if not more so. 

Now, I just need to find the ideal combo of the three – hasn’t been attainable yet.

Saving for later:

An article on Listening

An article on Big Feelings