Day 198

Manshen Lo


Well, not only did I lose it with W yesterday, I lost it with C too.

Banner day at our house.

So much to untangle about it all, I’m not even sure where to start or if I’d know how to explain it objectively. All I know is that alcohol was not a driver this time, at least for me. In the past, our blow-ups have had that layer of disconnect to them… happening after we’re both a few drinks in (and unlike this time, after kids go to bed). The next day, muddling through a hangover AND the shitty complex feelings post-fight, with only fuzzy memories to go on, made for a difficult situation to navigate and learn from. Usually, the processing was minimal at best.

This time, I’m still struggling to process, finding it easy to slip back into my mental groove of playing the tiny violin instead of taking a hard look at my part in things. But at least I’m aware that I’m doing that. It’s a start.

Ugly, harsh things were said. On my part, things that I really do think and feel, but did not express well. On his part, I think/hope, that he only said out of anger.

He was 1-2 stiff G&Ts into the evening, and it happened during the toughest time of day for our family – dinner.

Without getting into the details, I will say that we both acted shamefully in front of the kids. It was the first time I felt physically threatened by him (in all fairness, he did not hit me – instead I reacted to his aggressive behavior by punching him in the chest).  And it was also the first time I called him a Drunk.

There are moments in this marriage where I wonder if we are better off seperating but then I think how much harder it would be to co-parent as a divorced couple, and how much it would hurt the boys long-term, and I gather hope that we will find our way through this.

I need to decide what my limits are, for me and the boys.

I have said I will leave him for two reasons: physical/emotional abuse or alcoholism. In the past, those felt like such black and white issues. Surely it would be obvious when he crossed the line, right?

Maybe this is just the tiny violin playing, but it feels so gray right now.