Another full day, not over yet. So much going on in our life right now– W’s behavioral issues at school and neediness at home, the install of a new HVAC system started today, ongoing outdoor projects, potential work travel coming up, and all of it requiring C and I to work together when I can barely bring myself to look at him.
So far today, we’ve done the minimum communication necessary via text but now we’re both home for the evening and I’ve escaped upstairs to finish up some outstanding work emails. Avoidance, at least until boys are in bed, seems to be the best policy. Then, of course, he’ll probably be too buzzed to talk anyway.
This morning’s meditation was about Acceptance, intentionally. And it asked the question again, “What are you resisting in your life right now?”
What AM I resisting?
It feels like I’m resisting all of it. I don’t want to accept that W may have a social/emotional/behavioral issue or delay. I don’t want to accept that I married a man who can behave the way C does, who may have a problem with alcohol. I’m resisting examining my own part in all this, it feels so overwhelming. I struggle with accepting additional responsibility at work because of the issues at home, major mom-guilt complex. And I’m resisting my newly gained and hard-won healthy life choices.
I actually had the thought last night after boys went to bed, with C out at a bar with a friend: If I have a drink now, no one would know. Life has gone to such shit recently, what could one drink hurt. What are you really trying to prove?
In my mind, I tapered it back to smoking pot, then decided to stay entirely sober instead. And I also tapered my internal drama back, taking myself off the ledge by finding the Good, drinking a cup of tea, losing myself in an entertaining book and meditating at the end of the night.
Today, I’m glad I did, of course. I always am.
Where is the Good?
I’m grateful to have two healthy, intelligent, active, smart, fun, creative boys. I’m grateful for all the good that C brings into our life – his positive parenting, his involvement with the boys, that he cooks dinner and does laundry and takes care of the dogs. I’m grateful to have an ongoing “perma-lance” job that I enjoy, and for the ability to finally do these household projects that we’ve saved for over the years. I’m grateful for the short workout today, and that the tulips are blooming out front in spite of spring snows and an over-population of neighborhood rabbits. I’m grateful for the excellent book I’m reading for book club, recommended by a close friend with whom I’m also grateful to connect so well. I’m grateful for the chance to visit W & C’s classroom today to observe everything in person. And I’m grateful for the slow learning process that these life struggles inspire, for the ability to exercise and find time to meditate, and for a partner who makes room for all of that.
Reading/listening for later: