Day 54

Thanksgiving Thursday

I know I should be grateful right now, and I am. We’re at C’s brother’s house in DC with a host of extended family–all wonderful, drama-free, fun people. We’ve just finished stuffing ourselves with an incredible meal, everyone chipping in with the prep and cleanup, with little to no stress involved. A miracle, for sure!

I’ve only had to turn down two drink offers-one as wine was initially served over afternoon food prep, and the other as the post-dessert card games commenced and heavier drinks came on the menu. No one seemed to blink an eye, and that was nice. I mentioned that I’d quit to a close family member in private but no questions were asked.

Its been a bit tough though, realizing how alcohol was my buffer for the awkwardness I feel around his family, and now…I feel like I don’t exactly know how to be myself around them. I wanted to really connect on this trip, thanks to being sober, but so far, I just feel awkward.

The toughest part of it all has been sitting next to C as he got blurrier and blurrier, and his humorous “my wife is a bitch and my life sucks” comments to the room became more cutting and less funny.  Maybe when I was drinking along I would have laughed or countered, but being dead sober while he undercut our relationship in front of his family (couched in dark humor of course) was really painful and embarrassing.

Our son rescued me by needing Mommy for a sore tummy, so now I’m upstairs and headed to bed with that as my excuse.

I don’t know where to go with any of this but right now it just feels painful.