Day 95


Guess my head is still on vacation – I went to type the day and was SURE it was Tuesday – then had to correct it.

Maybe it’s the break from routine or the evenings smoking pot, but at the end of this vacation I’m finding myself in a sad slump regarding the decision to quit. It’s feeling so final, so stark right now.

I’ve heard it’s normal to go through these phases, the grief of saying goodbye to something that you depended on so dearly, your friend in the good times and bad. But then I need to remind myself that there were fewer and fewer good times and more and more bad, thanks to that “friend”. 

Like an abusive boyfriend, there is this desire to justify or ignore the negative especially when it hasn’t happened in awhile.

I just spoke with a close friend this morning about learning meditation, and speaking from years of experience (they meditate 45 mins/day), they talked about the point where the brain just gives up and gives in to the meditation – and is finally at peace. What a wonderful feeling that is. A kind of nirvana.

I want that so much.

So I’m going to keep on keeping on, and hope that between the quitting and the meditation, at some point in the future, I’ll find that place inside myself.