Day 96

Snowday Thursday

We got around 12-18″ overnight and today and it is BEAUTIFUL! Really perfect snow, a little fluffy but sticky enough to build snowmen at some point. Probably would make great skiing. 

And it also meant that the boys were out of school, and working from home was a complete juggling act. Without fail during conference calls, whatever distraction method I’d figured out for them would stop working and they’d start shrieking “MOM” or making toot noises to be funny. Thank god I work with others who understand.

Now that part of the day is over, and I’m headed into an evening of more freelance, some reading, a short meditation, shower then bed. I can already see how the meditation will help and am excited to put the time in.

I feel a shift happening internally. Another one of those commonsense epiphanies.

If you don’t like the way you feel, choose to feel differently.

I know that sounds overly simplistic, and relatively impossible. I know for me, hearing advice like this normally sends me into a rage. But that’s the shift that’s happening.

Specifically, I’m realizing that I don’t like the way I feel toward my husband. I’m angry a lot, and negative, and upset, and hurt. And I’m tired of feeling that way. Regardless of whether he has done things to justify these feelings (intentionally or not), I just really don’t want to feel this way anymore.

So I’m trying to move forward in a more positive, happy place, inside myself – for my own sake. Not to prove anything to him, or cheer him up, or be the bigger person or anything like that. Just for myself and my own happiness.

We’ll see how well I’m able to adopt this mental shift. Hopefully, the meditation and clarity that comes from sobriety will help.

I know a year ago, this internal shift would have been impossible for me to imagine, let alone try to implement.