Month: June 2018

Day 253

Sunday

Yesterday was an all-around perfect day. C let me sleep in until 7:30am while he started the morning with the kids. We had a nice family breakfast then headed to the beach to meet up with friends and a bunch of C’s family who came in from out of town. After a beautiful day at the ocean, a 10 on the Perfect Beach Weather scale in spite of predicted thunderstorms, we spent the early evening with family back at our house.

When everyone left and the boys were down, C and I plopped on the couch to phubb per usual. He was playing an online card game and I was surfing social media.

I decided to break the monotony and offer that we play a real card game.

The last time we played Gin (our favorite game together) was when I’d undergone knee surgery and was recovering. C used it as a way to distract me from the pain so I could hold out the doctor’s required 4 hours until the next pain killer. The first week or two were excruciating and C was up at all hours of the night making sure I wasn’t popping pills too soon.

So now, playing cards has that loving tonality to it, as well as the history of many many times we’d played together before that during our happier years.

I didn’t think about that when I offered it – I was just thinking that we both needed to get our noses out of our phones and interact.

Our interactions lately are so strained; either we’re arguing, or we’re unhappy with the other, or we’re talking logistics/money/kids which is of course, not the most fun.

As we sat back and got back into the routine of quiet card playing, I found myself taking a deep breath and relaxing. No words exchanged, we were barely even looking at each other. But the interaction was good…dare I say it, even meditative. What little we did say was related to the game, back to our usual teasing and strategizing, with a little flirting thrown in. 

Maybe we need more card games in our life.

PS. I want to add that C has been off the booze for the last two days due to a recurrence of what he’s now calling pancreatitis (although undiagnosed): horrible pain in his abdomen and back that gets worse at night, not related to stomach or gastric upset according to him. This has happened a few times, each time lasting a week or so – with him swearing off the booze for 2-3 days to recover, which seems to help. I wish he would see a doctor about it, but when I asked if he’d mentioned it at his last physical, he said it had been years (!!!), and  no he hadn’t talked with a doc about it.

Day 251

Friday

Okay.

So I’m better after yesterday’s bitch session and a phone call with my very reasonable, rational friend S.

I decided not to say anything last night, after a stressful and somewhat touchy evening with the kids. If nothing else, I’m learning to hold my tongue and wait for better timing.

After talking with S, who helped me realize that I am not responsible for C’s actions toward the teachers, therefore owed no one an apology and have no need to feel embarrassed… I decided not to say anything about it to C at all (unless it comes up naturally), and to advise the teachers to approach C about it on their own if they want him to know how he made them feel.

Poor S, she got an earful last night. But I’m in a better place today.

I’m still considering floating the idea of couple’s or individual therapy to C at some point in the near future, but will be waiting for the right moment when neither of us are particularly upset with the other.

Deep breaths.

When in doubt, pause, stay quiet, and add more meditation.

Oh, and conversations with S always help.

Edited to add: Although it was probably obvious who I was talking about in the previous post, I just realized I gave it away here. D’ur.

 

Day 250

Anger Management for Wysokie Obcasy Extra

Thursday

Feeling frustrated. Today was supposed to be my second appointment with the new therapist and she’s out sick. Of course, I didn’t get the message so I still rearranged my day and raced around to make the appointment, only to find out there wasn’t going to be one when I arrived at the office. 

I’ll admit, I almost had an adult-sized temper tantrum right there, but managed to keep my rage to a socially-acceptable irritation.

I was so looking forward to offloading some recent problems in a safe space where I’d hopefully receive some insight or help reframing the issues. I’d been holding it together, not over-sharing with anyone else, just trying to make it the two weeks to therapy. But it was not to be.

So, my lovely imaginary readers! Today, this blog will be my therapy and we can all cringe at my pathetic problems. I’ll try to keep it vague enough to not incriminate anyone, and fair enough that I won’t regret it later.

There is a person in my life who struggles with anger a lot. Personally, I think they have some deep unresolved issues that cause it, but that would be for a therapist to figure out. This person is close enough to me that I feel somewhat connected to their behavior, not necessarily responsible, but unfortunately linked.

The other day, this person lit into a couple of other people in our lives. Whether or not it was merited is unclear, but there is no doubt in my mind that it was an overreaction, similar to the many angry overreactions I’ve experienced myself.

These people approached me about it the following day, still shaken by it – one actually in tears. I apologized profusely on the behalf of Angry, while feeling the need to underplay it somewhat… “You know, this person can be a little stern at times… I’m so sorry… etc etc”

I left that interaction with tears in my own eyes, and a deep embarrassment that something usually hidden to the public eye was seen by these two people.

Most of the time, Angry is a wonderful person – cheerful, playful, interactive, helpful, even charming. But when Angry is ANGRY – they are extremely angry and the tone of voice and physicality of their actions can be a bit overwhelming.

I feel the need to talk with Angry about what happened, but I don’t know the best way to handle it. For one, Angry drinks a lot – and the majority of the time we’re around each other, they’ve been drinking. For two, Angry is a very defensive and sensitive person who doesn’t usually apologize. More likely, they are set off by any perceived criticism and throw a wall up for a day or two.

Since Angry and I need to interact on a frequent basis and they play a big role in my life, I don’t want to make our interaction any more difficult than it already is. But I don’t want to just sweep this under the rug.

The trick will be to not let MY angry, upset, disappointed, embarrassed, sad reaction overwhelm the conversation.

Maybe I can say something like this:

You remember the other day when that thing happened? I was so upset about it too. 

Did you know, they approached me the other day and told me how upset they were with your reaction, and the way you talked to them? One of them was actually in tears, and they said they’d both gone home quite shaken.

Although I’m disappointed in the way they handled things, this conversation put me in the awkward position of apologizing for you, and it left me feeling quite embarrassed.

They reassured me that they had no bad intentions in what happened – and knowing what we know about these people, I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt. 

I don’t know where to go with this, but I wanted you to know how I felt.

I’m not sure if you’re aware but sometimes when you explode in anger, your words and actions can be quite threatening and overwhelming. 

Have you ever considered that something deeper is driving this anger, rather than the immediate circumstances?

So, trying not to play the tiny violin here but in the midst of moments like these, I feel alone and unsure of where to turn. I don’t want to burden a family member or a friend with this because I don’t want to give people a negative opinion of someone they know and love. Most people don’t see this side of Angry, so they wouldn’t understand anyway.

Which is why I bring things like this to therapy. Maybe next time, she’ll be there to help.

Day 249

Illustration for NYT opinion article “In My Chronic Illness, I Found Meaning”, by Dadu Shin

Wednesday

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve heard since quitting has been to be IN the body: to observe the body when it starts to heat up with anger, or accelerate into fight-or-flight mode, or feel other undesirable feelings driven by emotion. Is your heart beating fast? Do your temples heat up or feel pressure? Do you find yourself holding your breath?

BE IN YOUR BODY.

BE PRESENT.

Just by observing the natural responses of your body, you can help yourself calm down – or at least be more in control of the situation. Recognizing the physical element of what is happening gives the opportunity for a physical response – taking a deep breath, rubbing your forehead, relaxing your tense shoulders, stretching.

It’s amazing to me how I can go an entire day without being truly IN my body. The line of work I do is creative and primarily happens in the mind, sitting in meetings or at a computer. Of course this defines most jobs these days. But without some form of exercise or break to get outdoors – it’s not unusual for me to realize at the end of a day that I haven’t given one thought to my body.

Learning to bring my mind into my body more has helped in a number of ways. I feel more connected with my own health. And with this awareness of the connection between the mind and body, I’m given better context for the monkey brain thoughts that run through my head.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just waking up after a lifetime of being asleep.

A relevant article*:

Eckhart Tolle reveals the best strategy to deal with anxiety and depression

“If you are present, the painbody cannot feed anymore on your thoughts, or on other people’s reactions. You can simply observe it, and be the witness, be the space for it. Then gradually, its energy will decrease.”

Tolle says the first step to enlightenment is to be an “observer” of the mind:

“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not “the thinker.” The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realize that all the things that truly matter – beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace – arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken.”

*Caveat for this article: I’m not sure Tolle’s insights apply to the clinically depressed mind. Chemical imbalance cannot be fixed by mere awareness.

Day 248

Tuesday

As could be expected, the news of Kate Spade’s death today has brought to light the common struggles people have with suicide as well as the common reactions. All over social media are comments like “Well, goes to show money can’t buy happiness” and “Why???”.

News of suicide always hits me hard as I have close friends and family members who have been suicidal, as well as a good friend, J, who took his own life last summer. As we head back to the beach, memories of him come rushing back. He’s even been in my dreams recently.

Over the weekend, my good friend S helped me work through some of my anger at J.

He didn’t kill himself, the illness killed him. It was out of his control. You feel betrayed? The person you knew and loved WAS the real person, not the illness – which distorted his reality and took away his essence. Be angry at the illness, not the person.

C and I have shed many tears together remembering J, but it will take a while to process what happened. Staying open to feeling the pain, instead of numbing it every night with booze, is part of the plan.

It’s amazing how much the mind and body are connected… to feel actual pain and heaviness in your heart over the suffering of another human.

I’m learning that true consciousness pays as much attention to the body as the mind.

In the brain pan today:

A relevant post on Facebook by Bunmi Laditan

Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking (video), Eckhart Tolle – I feel the need to say this is marinating for my own needs, not as a response to another person’s negative thoughts

Day 247

Primus – The Rainbow Goblins Chapter 1 (The Valley)

Monday

Back at work after a wonderful weekend with S, full of crazy kid time, an evening out to see her cousin in concert, a perfect beach day and lots of laughs.

The Mastadon/Primus concert was a blast, in spite of the fact (or maybe BECAUSE of the fact) that neither of us drink. I was remarking to her on our way home that it would have been an entirely different experience if I was still drinking.

First of all, we probably would have Ubered, or I would have wanted her to drive – which she would have reluctantly accepted, not one to drive at night in an unfamiliar place. I would have pre-gamed a bit at home, having 1-2 stiff cocktails before leaving, then some wine or beer with dinner pre-show, and then immediately filling the empty space at the concert with beer after beer.

Later in the evening, when we got texted by her cousin’s wife to come join them post-show, I would have been the annoying drunk girl hanging on a fully-sober S*, thinking I was funny but mostly just being loud and embarrassing. Or maybe I would have been self-conscious around the band, knowing I was soaked, and had a miserable experience as the wallflower.

In the end though, we had so much fun circling around the stage, trying to pick out the people on LSD, laughing at the mosh pit crazies, and rocking out to music we don’t normally listen to. When we hung out with the Primus & Mastadon crew after the show, I felt nicely in control and fully myself, confident but not overbearing. I enjoyed having conversations with a variety of people who might have intimidated me before, but now, with more awareness and confidence, it was just a lot of fun.

The other night she stayed with us, we smoked pot together – and I’m not going to make any excuses for that. It was awesome. S may struggle with depression, but the woman has a sharp and unique wit that comes to light occasionally, and apparently smoking pot helps. 

Over the course of the evening, we both laughed so hard my sides hurt the next day, even as we we said goodbye with tears in our eyes.

At the beginning, our friendship consisted of throwing theme parties, bar-hopping at the local alt-culture haunts and flirting with guys. 15 years later? It’s about being there for each other through thick & thin – the fabric of our lives is richer, thicker, more complex.

I appreciate what we have, knowing how rare it is.

*And I forgot to ask her what that experience was like in the past.