Day X and Counting

Wednesday

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve heard since quitting has been to be IN the body: to observe the body when it starts to heat up with anger, or accelerate into fight-or-flight mode, or feel other undesirable feelings driven by emotion. Is your heart beating fast? Do your temples heat up or feel pressure? Do you find yourself holding your breath?

BE IN YOUR BODY.

BE PRESENT.

Just by observing the natural responses of your body, you can help yourself calm down – or at least be more in control of the situation. Recognizing the physical element of what is happening gives the opportunity for a physical response – taking a deep breath, rubbing your forehead, relaxing your tense shoulders, stretching.

It’s amazing to me how I can go an entire day without being truly IN my body. The line of work I do is creative and primarily happens in the mind, sitting in meetings or at a computer. Of course this defines most jobs these days. But without some form of exercise or break to get outdoors – it’s not unusual for me to realize at the end of a day that I haven’t given one thought to my body.

Learning to bring my mind into my body more has helped in a number of ways. I feel more connected with my own health. And with this awareness of the connection between the mind and body, I’m given better context for the monkey brain thoughts that run through my head.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just waking up after a lifetime of being asleep.

A relevant article*:

Eckhart Tolle reveals the best strategy to deal with anxiety and depression

“If you are present, the painbody cannot feed anymore on your thoughts, or on other people’s reactions. You can simply observe it, and be the witness, be the space for it. Then gradually, its energy will decrease.”

Tolle says the first step to enlightenment is to be an “observer” of the mind:

“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not “the thinker.” The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realize that all the things that truly matter – beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace – arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken.”

*Caveat for this article: I’m not sure Tolle’s insights apply to the clinically depressed mind. Chemical imbalance cannot be fixed by mere awareness.

Tuesday

As could be expected, the news of Kate Spade’s death today has brought to light the common struggles people have with suicide as well as the common reactions. All over social media are comments like “Well, goes to show money can’t buy happiness” and “Why???”.

News of suicide always hits me hard as I have close friends and family members who have been suicidal, as well as a good friend, J, who took his own life last summer. As we head back to the beach, memories of him come rushing back. He’s even been in my dreams recently.

Over the weekend, my good friend S helped me work through some of my anger at J.

He didn’t kill himself, the illness killed him. It was out of his control. You feel betrayed? The person you knew and loved WAS the real person, not the illness – which distorted his reality and took away his essence. Be angry at the illness, not the person.

C and I have shed many tears together remembering J, but it will take a while to process what happened. Staying open to feeling the pain, instead of numbing it every night with booze, is part of the plan.

It’s amazing how much the mind and body are connected… to feel actual pain and heaviness in your heart over the suffering of another human.

I’m learning that true consciousness pays as much attention to the body as the mind.

In the brain pan today:

A relevant post on Facebook by Bunmi Laditan

Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking (video), Eckhart Tolle – I feel the need to say this is marinating for my own needs, not as a response to another person’s negative thoughts

Monday

Back at work after a wonderful weekend with S, full of crazy kid time, an evening out to see her cousin in concert, a perfect beach day and lots of laughs.

The Mastadon/Primus concert was a blast, in spite of the fact (or maybe BECAUSE of the fact) that neither of us drink. I was remarking to her on our way home that it would have been an entirely different experience if I was still drinking.

First of all, we probably would have Ubered, or I would have wanted her to drive – which she would have reluctantly accepted, not one to drive at night in an unfamiliar place. I would have pre-gamed a bit at home, having 1-2 stiff cocktails before leaving, then some wine or beer with dinner pre-show, and then immediately filling the empty space at the concert with beer after beer.

Later in the evening, when we got texted by her cousin’s wife to come join them post-show, I would have been the annoying drunk girl hanging on a fully-sober S*, thinking I was funny but mostly just being loud and embarrassing. Or maybe I would have been self-conscious around the band, knowing I was soaked, and had a miserable experience as the wallflower.

In the end though, we had so much fun circling around the stage, trying to pick out the people on LSD, laughing at the mosh pit crazies, and rocking out to music we don’t normally listen to. When we hung out with the Primus & Mastadon crew after the show, I felt nicely in control and fully myself, confident but not overbearing. I enjoyed having conversations with a variety of people who might have intimidated me before, but now, with more awareness and confidence, it was just a lot of fun.

The other night she stayed with us, we smoked pot together – and I’m not going to make any excuses for that. It was awesome. S may struggle with depression, but the woman has a sharp and unique wit that comes to light occasionally, and apparently smoking pot helps. 

Over the course of the evening, we both laughed so hard my sides hurt the next day, even as we we said goodbye with tears in our eyes.

At the beginning, our friendship consisted of throwing theme parties, bar-hopping at the local alt-culture haunts and flirting with guys. 15 years later? It’s about being there for each other through thick & thin – the fabric of our lives is richer, thicker, more complex.

I appreciate what we have, knowing how rare it is.

*And I forgot to ask her what that experience was like in the past.

 

 

Thursday

I don’t have much time to write but as I look ahead at the upcoming weekend, I’m excited to spend it with one of my best friends, S.

She doesn’t drink because of a medication she takes, so in the past, I’ve gotten a buzz on while she stayed sober. I was about to say it was weird, but she is a very accepting person so it never felt all that bad, at least from my perspective. I’m going to ask her about it while she’s here, curious to know if she remembers it differently…

 

Wednesday

Percolating along with a lot of input and not a lot of analysis. For today, here is what’s in the brain pan, aside from work:

How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, by Joanna Faber (Audible book for commutes)

How to Change Your Mind, by Michael Pollan (Hardcover book for evening reading)

Boundaries, by Henry Cloud & John Townsend (Up next after Pollan’s if I don’t get distracted by a novel first)

Some articles on being a people-pleaser, like this one

A few articles on disentangling oneself from a strict evangelical upbringing, like this one

The random article on juicing sent by a friend… Beets? Not sure I’m that evolved yet.

And for fun, planning the upcoming pop-up camping trip with the boys, and dreaming about treehouse construction.

 

Tuesday

Back to work today, back in the office tomorrow. Thank god for an easy start, sans pants and commute.

I may not have fallen off the sobriety wagon but I’ve definitely “taken a break” from the workout wagon this month. Of course, as with any lapse in dedication to a self-improvement project, the longer you wallow in the slump, the harder it is to get back out.

But I’m trying to remind myself – when you do climb back out, it’s such a boost in confidence. Then after a few achievements under your belt, you’re back in the game, right?

I’m contemplating various ways to exercise tonight and struggling to find the motivation. But I need to kick myself in the pants and get on with it.

Memorial Day Monday

For some reason, lately I’ve been losing a bit of resolve. Not sure if it’s a bit of burn-out? or that I’m less vigilant as time passes? But tonight I almost had a sip of C’s wine – and his wine has been looking mighty delicious this weekend.

I can’t point to any specific reason. Things are going pretty well so it’s not avoidance that I can see. The desire comes from the foodie place inside of me, not the “get-a-buzz-on” place. 

Anywhoo, today was a full day with the boys and I’m headed back downstairs to prep them for bath & bed.

No buffer, ’cause I’m a rockstar.

First Beach Day Saturday

What a perfect day for the first beach day of the season. And another First for my sober journey… coming home after the beach WITHOUT having a cocktail or glass of white wine. 

And yes, I was missing it. Especially when little W had a meltdown after waking up from his car nap… the type of meltdown that continues through the rest of the evening until mom & dad can get him to bed and breath a sigh of relief.

Days at the beach are The Best. And also exhausting with twins of a certain age. Each year it gets a bit easier and this year, I’m in shape so I can keep up pretty well. But after a few rounds of dragging them down the beach on a blanket, running to the playground and back, “carry me, mom!” over the hot sand and other activities, I’m beat.

C’s glass of chilled white looked especially good tonight.

Instead, I’m hydrating with seltzer and my body is thanking me.

Grateful for the perfect weather to kick off summer beach season, that C found our beach badges purchased as gifts for Xmas, for the fun I had with the boys while C played volleyball, that we have a three-day weekend and grateful to be sober through it all.

Friday

Right now, I’m hiding in my office upstairs having had enough of the kids this afternoon. Dinner is, for some reason, especially hard tonight with the boys acting grumpy and refusing to eat, pounding their silverware on the table, and other annoying misbehavior. 

Growing up in a rather strict household, dinner rules were enforced and the chaos that reigns at our table (C tells me only when I’m there) really pushes me over the edge sometimes.

C and I are in a tough spot regarding discipline right now, not on the same page and dealing with some kind of developmental delay on W’s part so we’re not really sure the best way to get through to him. Since we only really talk on Sunday evenings, we haven’t had much time to come up with a plan yet.

And in the meantime, the dinnertime shenanigans go unpunished.

So after a few failed attempts at bringing the chaos under control, I picked up my dinner and went upstairs.

C’s had about a 1/2 bottle of wine, maybe more at this point, so he’s got a bit of a buffer. Maybe it’s the poor sleep from last night, but I feel like my usual buffer is thinner today.

But none of that matters really. At some point, I’m going to need to go back down and deal.

Otherwise, I’m percolating along… 

 

Thursday

Going through old pictures today in search of photos for my dad’s retirement party. It’s been interesting to see myself years younger, knowing where I was internally – the lack of maturity and self-confidence, the anxiety, the constant striving for external approval.

I’m certainly no where close to where I’d like to be, but those pictures made it clear I’ve come a long way… and I’m headed in the right direction, finally.

Amazing how years of drinking slowed this maturity process so much. I feel like I’m playing catchup with the (sober) grownups around me… not that it matters. Just happy to be aware and growing now.