Original unaltered photo credit: Francois de Halleux
Friday
Meditation:
Meditation is a practice of concentratedfocusupon a sound,object,visualization,thebreath,movement, or attentionitself in order to increaseawareness of thepresentmoment,reduce stress, promoterelaxation,andenhancepersonaland spiritualgrowth
I’ve decided I need to start practicing this. Stress levels are increasing with the holidays approaching, freelance workload increasing, and home pressures consistently overwhelming. Working out is helping, but life just can’t afford for me to be at the gym 7 days/week.
I need a mental escape that I can pull out anywhere – in the middle of a chaotic moment with the boys, or a tense reaction from my husband, or yet another confusing meeting about an impossible project. Mindfulness is key, but it requires practice.
To continue the trend of rollarcoaster emotions, this morning I had a Pink Cloud moment of euphoria. This type of feeling had never really occurred to me prior to quitting, but now they are not uncommon. Usually in the morning, often while driving and listening to music, I have this feeling of complete and total euphoric joy. Lifted above the mundane, I feel invincible, in control, centered, happy.
It’s really an incredible feeling and I love these moments of perfection. This morning’s moment was brought to you by a good personal training session and an anthemic song on Pandora.
I’m calling them Pink Cloud moments because I know they are just a blip on the radar of life, small spikes in mood, and the tough slogging through waist-deep mud feeling will be back soon enough. It turns out, these feelings are very common for people in early recovery. So I’m learning not to allow myself to get too confident or to take the feeling too seriously, because I recognize how impermanent it is.
But I do enjoy the cotton candy sweetness while in the moment!
The Theodores (yes, there are two), Folkmanis Puppets
Wednesday
How is it possible that in one day I can swing from feeling like a pillar of confidence and competence to feeling like the slightest negative comment from C could completely undermine all the self-work I’ve been doing?
Work went well today. I was pulled into the Creative Director’s office and offered a staff position. The conversation basically went like this: “What would you need from us to come onboard?” And then I described my ideal job situation (flexibility, capped hours, low responsibility, work-from-home days, and mix of creative opportunities) while they nodded and talked about the ways this could all be negotiated. It was exhilarating and when I left, knowing that I would likely not take the offer regardless… it was empowering.
I know I’m doing a good job for this agency, working less than 40 hrs/week as a freelance AD but giving them more than 40 hrs of value. I work fast, I lead well, I provide confidence to the team that the work will get done and done well. I know I kick ass at work.
At home? Another story.
The drive home is often me steeling myself against C’s moods and psyching myself up to be 100% present and connected with two very demanding, busy 3yos in spite of feeling tired.
Tonight, like most nights lately, I arrive home after 1hr+ strenuous rush-hour commute, to both boys piling on me the instant I come in the door talking simultaneously at 100mph, requiring interaction “Mommy, put Theodore (frog puppet) on!” “Mommy, look I’m doing cannonballs on the couch!” “Mommmmmy, excuse me… listen to me!!!!” “Mommy, make Theodore sing the Poopy song!” (This continues non-stop through their bedtime 1.5 hrs later)
Also fighting for my attention, both dogs are circling and nosing me excitedly especially “my” dog, Miles, who likes to not-so-gently nibble at my hands until I pet her. C is trying to get a word in edgewise, and I haven’t even set my bag & coffee mug down yet. I take over the boy care while C heads off to scroll Facebook and drink bourbon in the kitchen. Dial in to a 3yo mentality (lots of poop jokes), connect, laugh, snacks, baths, then books/bathroom/bed. After boys are down, C and I have a bit of a standoffish half-hour in proximity to each other before he went to bed.
I may be succeeding at work but I often feel overwhelmed with the demands of home – not the least of which is my marriage which feels like it has been failing a lot lately.
Quitting has already had a huge effect on my self-confidence, and ability to cope at home and at work, but it’s a lot tougher at home.
Busy day working from home. I had plans to actually work but unending conference calls sucked up my cellphone battery by 1pm, then therapy, then back to another conference call. I swear, the amount of time doing the actual work is about 1/4 of the total time spent on a project. The rest is filled with meetings.
No cravings today, but a lot of stress and tough emotions at the end of the day.
Husband and I may have had a nice weekend, but the glow was short-lived. Tense ending last night for some stupidity related to who got to watch what on TV, then another tonight due to parenting disagreements. I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of my workout, and used the anger energy to wear myself out. I’m sure I’ll pay for that in the next few days, but the pain means it’s working…
Although I can’t say the workout helped me process anything. It is a type of avoidance, but at least a healthy one. Now, to get some rest so I have a few brain cells to process on my commute tomorrow.
So I reached out to a couple sobriety groups online for non-alcoholic ciders, wine or juices that paired well with cheese, and was surprised by the variety of responses. If I were to bucket them, they’d come in 1) Encouragers with helpful suggestions, 2) Questioners “Non-alcoholic wine, is there even such a thing?!” and 3) Triggered hard-line-AA-folks who were aghast that I could even suggest someone drink NA wine – what a cheat! In fact, how could anyone drink Kombucha when quitting… it contains alcohol!!! (less than .5%, naturally occurring)
Then I started to realize, I’m a Type too. Nothing is new under the sun.
I’m not special. So so so many people have been down this very same road, feeling the very same thing. I feel like a walking cliche… sad, type-A woman over-drinks to forget her unhappy marriage brought on in large part by having kids late in life (surprise, it’s hard!), hits 40 and has mini mid-life crisis, takes a hard look at her life and makes changes – quits alcohol, gets fit, wants a Vitamix for Christmas.
I’m like the Soccer Mom of quitting. Others in the community could question whether I really had a problem to begin with. I mean, I never got a DUI or ruined anyone’s life. Maybe I just care about losing a few pounds, or going on a health kick to reverse the clock. Who knows.
Well, I know. And for me, I’m glad I’m here, non-alcoholic cheese pairings and all.
Trying to fit this in quickly between evening chores, and the boys – still awake and yelling for me in the other room, so it’ll need to be quick. But in spite of the usual chaos and other things percolating along in my brain pan, the realization that living life intentionally is easier sober is really starting to sink in. And I’m also realizing how many ways I would like to be more intentional in my actions, especially after noticing how well “faking it until I felt it” worked.
Who knows, I may even end up doing crazy organized things like remembering to send out birthday cards to family, or getting our Christmas cards out before February, or – gasp! putting up and taking down holiday decorations in a timely fashion. Given that our halloween decorations are still up, I’m not holding my breath.
In any case, this thinking was brought on tonight by my unusual thinking ahead for the Thanksgiving holiday – specifically planning to bring something special, foodie-wise, so that I can be sharing in the tastes of the holiday without the need for alcohol. At this point, the plan is Murray’s cheese and a favorite nut recipe I make every year. I plan to seek out advice on sparking non-alcoholic wine or juice that might pair well with cheese from my sober online groups, and will report back if I find any worth sharing.
Another intentional plan is to invest more in those friendships in my life that elevate me. I can think of 3-4 specifically, but I hope to build more. This article, aside from the money-success-story part which I found obnoxious, was an interesting read on this topic.
The second day I’ve missed. The first was the evening before my first sober wedding… and last night I have no excuse. Just life. There were cravings, for sure. C had a nice G&T to celebrate Friday and I felt that strong urge of “you deserve this” after the work week. The urge to unplug, to disconnect, to erase. The boys have provided a rollercoaster mix of complete joy and utter exhaustion lately and after putting them to bed, I caved to that urge by smoking pot. I wasn’t alone – C joined me, and we actually ended up having one of the best nights together we’ve had in a long time. Real, connected conversation on a variety of topics and warmth between us. I’d like to think it wasn’t the pot, but regardless, I enjoyed it and the last thing on my mind was holing up at my computer to post.
Saturday
It was primarily my day with the boys – gymnastics, then our local nature center, then lunch-naps-dinner-groceries-bedtime all in back-to-back order. While they were napping, in that wonderful sunlit part of the afternoon, C pulled a nice bottle of red out of the wine fridge and opened it to breath, commenting on it’s year and reasons why he wanted to try it now vs next year. All of this is familiar territory, and would have turned into a pleasant tasting between us while the kids slept.
Today, I struggled. A lot. Missing out. Wanting a taste. Knowing I couldn’t even try a little. He asked, “Didn’t you say you’d eventually have a glass when we open a nice bottle?” And I had to respond that maybe I would, but not now. And honestly, I hate the thought that I will never again, but I am scared that if I open that door now or in the future, it will eventually lead to where I was when I quit. I certainly have been down that road many times quitting cigarettes.
In any case, the wine experience is a really really tough one to give up.
And tonight, having just put the boys down after a long, wonderfully busy day, I’m headed downstairs for a puff and snuggle on the couch, maybe a stupid movie. I’ve earned it.
And yes, I know that it’s not healthy. One goddamn thing at a time.
Today, a beautiful post in an online sobriety group caused me to look more closely at a trigger for drinking that I hadn’t really examined: Loneliness.
Although loneliness was a real catalyst for my Valentine’s Day commitment to myself, I hadn’t given a lot of thought to its connection to drinking. But honestly, I believe it was one of the primary drivers. The lack of true connection–having people around me who really know me, soul-deep, not skin-deep, has been tough. Prior to this year of self-discovery, I knew I was craving connection within my marriage, but hadn’t invested much energy into finding it outside of my marriage. And certainly hadn’t examined whether I was trying to find it (or bury my desire for it) in a bottle.
7 years ago, I moved to NJ after marrying my husband, leaving family and close friends 400 miles behind. In my 20’s and early 30’s I’d lived in numerous places around the world and was content being independent and alone, but somehow this move was more difficult. Maybe because I expected my marriage to fulfill that need and when it didn’t, I was deeply disappointed.
There are many reasons why we struggle for connection: young twins, different work schedules, our own individual need for independence. But regardless of the reasons, marriage has not been a place of deep connection for either of us yet.
I’ve always taken awhile to make quality friends. Here in NJ, it’s taking longer than normal though, due to a long-distance commute to work (and coworkers being similarly distant), a suburban home in a development that is still turning over from original buyers at retirement age to younger families like our own, seasonal friends associated with our weekends at the beach who all go into hibernation in the winter, and well – just being a super busy working parent of little kids! These days, life doesn’t leave a lot of room for the type of investment a deep friendship requires.
So…evenings are usually me, alone after 8:30pm, which does not bode well for connection. Drinking was a reward for the hard work of the day, and a friend that helped me unplug and just be myself, pjs, doritos, crappy TV and all.
I didn’t realize that drinking was slowly distancing me from the world of connection, like a possessive boyfriend who chips away at your self-confidence and separates you from your family and friends. I would decline phone calls after a certain point in the evening because I knew I wasn’t sober enough and worried it would be obvious. I wouldn’t accept invitations to go out with friends because it cramped my drinking. Friday night book club? Out of the question. I mean seriously, who goes out to a BOOK CLUB on Friday night? Friday nights are for getting smashed! Right? I’d even leave parties early so I could go home and drink/smoke the way I really wanted to.
Now that I’m not drinking, I have been packing those evenings with workouts, online activity and reading to offset the cravings… but not as much social activity, yet. I’m still figuring my new self out. It’s helpful to know though, that a better connection with others might be part of what I’m craving, not just the alcohol.
I find myself telling people about my new-found happiness, usually connecting it to my choice to freelance instead of talking about quitting. And really, it’s not all about the alcohol. This process started in February when I made a commitment to do a better job of loving myself. But the quitting has definitely helped. This 9-month process has had numerous beneficial effects, not the least of which is that I feel more self-aware, more mindful especially in situations that would have stressed me out before. Wellbutrin has probably helped as well, and between the two I’m not sure which to credit more, but I’m grateful. It makes this mountain of self-work seem a bit more manageable.
Had a good day at work, connecting well with the teams and the workload, handling things with a pretty even keel. A fellow freelancer, and good friend and copy partner of mine, gave me a gift today to thank me for helping to bring her onboard at this new agency. She knew I liked my G&Ts so of course it’s a very thoughtful bottle of locally distilled gin and craft tonic. My mouth is watering just typing those words. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’d quit. The idea that I can’t really even try a sip of this, or don’t want to let myself, is tough – really tough.
Lastly, I had a D’oh moment today when I realized that Kombucha usually has caffeinated tea in it. THAT might have something to do with why I’m struggling to sleep lately! Goddammit I am an idiot. On the whole sleeping thing, I found this interview on NPR to be interesting: a sleep scientist warns about the long-term health effects of not getting enough sleep.
Alcohol … is a sedative drug, and what you’re doing there is simply knocking yourself out. You are removing consciousness quickly from the brain by way of having alcohol, but you’re not putting yourself into naturalistic sleep. The other issue is that alcohol will fragment your sleep — it will litter it and punctuate it with many more awakenings throughout the night, so short … that you tend not to remember them. So, once again, you’re not quite aware of how bad your sleep was when you had alcohol in the system. The final aspect of alcohol is that it is very good at blocking your REM sleep, or your dream sleep, which is critical for aspects of mental health within the brain and emotional restitution too. So alcohol [is a] very misunderstood drug when it comes to sleep — not helpful.
*I believe we are also the only species who overdose themselves on harmful substances on purpose.
Falling Sky – Pixel-sorting experiments, Alban Guerry-Suire
Election Tuesday
Voted. Among the many other things accomplished today, I pushed those buttons and happily participated in civic duty. Outside of the normal day-to-day chaos and busy-ness though, I’ve been feeling quiet and a bit somber lately. A lot going on under the surface, but nothing has floated its way up into consciousness yet.
Tonight, I attended my first sober meeting of a small women’s entrepreneur group I’ve been part of for the last year. I’d missed a few months and was overdue for an accountability check-in with the other ladies… but was a little nervous about the whole not-drinking thing, as it’s held at a bar with a great beer selection. I used to love perusing the draft list and trying a flight, then picking my favorite and having a full pint, all while connecting with the bar staff over the intricacies of the various choices on tap. It was a big part of my evenings out with this group. I also didn’t know exactly what I felt like sharing with these women – friends, but not close.
It worked out well, though. I arrived late enough that my quiet order of a virgin version of one of their fancy cocktails went unnoticed, so I was able to avoid the whole “I’m not drinking” conversation. I’d planned to say I was on antibiotics, but I hate to lie so who knows what I would have blurted out.
Fundamentally though, I’m feeling a shift in my own interaction with the world that goes beyond not drinking. Although in the past I might have felt a real social awkwardness at handling this evening and as a result drank more than was necessary and overshared, tonight I felt centered, confident and happy to keep my business to myself. It was different and not necessarily comfortable, but better than before. And no regrets on the ride home, or feeling like I was in danger of a DUI.
This quiet, seismic-shifting place that I’m in is also not comfortable, but I’m okay with it.
Tonight, this song captured the feeling better than my words. Worth skipping through the ad(s) and listening through the whole thing, imho.
