Day X and Counting

Tuesday

OMG. I told my mom I was going to smoke pot tonight. Just casually, as if we talked about that kind of thing all the time. 

It was a long day of juggling work around play and I was tired of pretending anymore. My mom has the nose of a bloodhound, so she probably already knew it’s location in the house. 

Anyway, I plopped down on the couch after putting boys to bed, and she looks over her knitting and offers me tea. I said, “no thanks, I think I’m going to smoke pot instead”. 

Just left it at that for a moment. Changed subject lightly. A few minutes later, I felt the need to add that I have creative concepting to do tonight and it helps.

After going upstairs to do exactly that, she and I had a nice conversation where she asked me “whatever happened with that church you we’re going to down here?”

I have to give her a lot of credit, calm as a cucumber throughout.

Gratitude postscript

I’m grateful for starting to define my relationship with my mother better, at the least a more open, honest one. Not needing to be perfect around her.

Monday

A better day than the previous few, thankfully. And I even fit a workout in (part of why I forgot to post last night). Lots of outdoor time with the kids and dogs, in spite of rain, and good naps (and freelance for me) in the afternoon.

Read this quote today and it felt appropriate:

“Transformation is not five minutes from now; it’s a present activity. In this moment you can make a different choice, and it’s these small choices and successes that build up over time to help cultivate a healthy self-image and self esteem.”

― Jillian Michaels

Sunday

A rough start to the morning, kids up way too early full of piss & vinegar, but a trip into Brooklyn to visit family corrected course. Now, nana is reading bedtime stories to the boys and I’m grabbing a moment.

It’s only the second full day of this “vacation”, with the men on a ski trip, and mom & I holding down the fort… but I’m already struggling. Absolutely no fault of my mom, but looking at our lives through the lens (or perceived lens) of my mother’s eyes has me feeling insecure – a bad mom with out-of-control kids – not caring enough about the right things, caring too much about the wrong things. I find myself being extremely critical of everything, my parenting, the boys behavior, my housekeeping… and I’m probably WRONG!

Who knows what her perception is, and honestly, why should I care so much anyway. I know I’m doing a pretty good job most of the time. Why can’t I find confidence inside myself right now?

The urge to drink has been strong this afternoon. Really strong.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week.

Gratitude postscript:

Grateful for time with family today – so much fun. I’m grateful for their proximity, and for the time my mom was able to spend with my in-laws, getting to know each other better.

Saturday

We had a wonderful day today. Lots of outdoor time this morning with Nana, then naps for all and playtime while I cooked dinner. Idyllic.

Still somehow, I found myself a bit unsettled underneath. Working on it, and enjoying time with my mom… heading into another weekend night without my usual smoke, but maybe we’ll watch a movie or just chat over hot tea, and it’ll be just fine.

Gratitude postscript:

I’m grateful that I didn’t burn anything tonight, and dinner turned out top-notch. C is the usual cook in our family (not because I suck, but because he likes doing it, and I don’t – plus, he’s really good at it)… so with my mom here spending time with the kids, I’m freed up to do the meals. Glad it turned out well.

Friday

The urge to pour a G&T was strong tonight.. Today had its stresses, but nothing overwhelming.

I will admit that having my folks here adds extra pressure to parenting for me – something I’m still getting over – so maybe it’s that. In any case, knowing I wouldn’t be able to enjoy even a puff at the end of the week was tough today. I guess those Friday night smoke sessions have been my pillow into sobriety, and I’m not quite ready to give them up.

Headed downstairs to hot tea and enjoyable conversation with my mom instead. I’m sure it will be wonderful.

Gratitude postscript:

I’m grateful that my dad and my husband are spending quality time together this week, and hope that it brings them closer.

Thursday

Mom arrives today to help while my dad and C go on a ski trip – so I’ve been in a flurry of cleaning and prepping while still trying to work from home. This next week will be a good one to practice restraint.

While I love my mom and she is an incredible woman, I am not immune to the typical reactions that most women have when in close quarters with their mother for any length of time. In the past, after about 4-5 days I end up blowing my top about some stupid thing or another, and regretting it almost instantly.

I’m vowing this time will be different.

Although my relationship with my mom is not painful, I am finding this quote helpful as I work on being less reactive:

You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you.

True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. True power is restraint.

If words control you, that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.

Gratitude postscript:

Need it be said? I’m grateful for my mother’s influence in my life, and her gracious support whenever I need it – whether over the phone or in person during times like these. I’m grateful to have a mother who inspires me and lifts me up, even when we don’t agree.

Wednesday

I’m having a mint & chamomile tea (late evening staple lately), and fitting in some work email, begrudgingly. My “slow it down” mentality may have me going to bed early tonight… I have zero energy for my usual evening list.

Recent conversations about habits and how our brains work have me pondering the commitment I’ve made. This started as a year of sobriety, but I’m wondering if I need to start now in committing to a lifetime. If I open my monkey brain* up to the possibility that at a year, I can go back to drinking, my monkey brain will probably start pestering me about it even if I want to stay quit.

Damn monkey brain.

*What I’ve taken to calling the thoughts in my head – wild and out-of-control, unless I see them and choose how to manage them (ignore, contain, accept?)

Gratitude postscript:

Driving home, I caught myself heading down the familiar negative pathways due to tiredness and work stress… and it was like catching myself biting my nails. I looked up, suddenly aware of the subconscious actions of my brain, and mentally slapped myself. I have a great job! I work for myself, making good money, for the most part appreciated in what I do and recently, not working all THAT hard. Today, I’m grateful for that.

Tuesday

Slowing down. What a simple concept, what a profound result.

Just choosing not to react, acknowledging my feelings in the moment but not acting on them, silencing my thoughts to pay attention to another’s words, facial expressions, attitudes… in the rare moments that I have been able to do this in the last couple days, it has made a huge difference.

And in the moments where I haven’t, I’ve often regretted it.

I’ve been reading and absorbing so much lately, on sobriety, on relationships, on parenting, that at times there is an overwhelm of information. Too many ways in which I’d like to improve, so many things I could be doing differently, so far to go.

But for now, I’ve boiled it down to this one choice: slow down, stay quiet, don’t react. 

And that’s plenty.

Gratitude postscript:

Each and every day, I am profoundly grateful for my boys. But today, I’m feeling it right on the surface. Nightmares last night, probably spurred by a scary article I read right before bed (why did I do that?), woke me with a desperate, gutted feeling of something gone really wrong. And then I felt my son, little C, sleeping next to me, and realized it was all a dream. Dream or not, I’m appreciating them a little more than normal today.

Monday

So today, I received two conflicting pieces of advice.

The first person, a good friend and one of my best cheerleaders in this journey (of the few who even know about it), asked me why I was still counting days; “You’re beyond that!” “Counting days keeps you attached to your past, you need to move on!”

I found myself bristling a bit and defending my need to watch the days add up.

Then later today, in a private FB group I shared my desire to get a tattoo after a year to commemorate the life change of sobriety and all that it’s meant for me. 

The advice I received there basically amounted to “Don’t ever count your chickens, ever.” This person had been sober 9 years and fell off the wagon. I found myself getting defensive there as well, and then quieted myself down before responding with gratitude.

I find I agree more with the second piece of advice than the first – although at some point I’ll probably count months more than days, or maybe give up counting all together – but that will need to happen naturally. I still need the crutch right now.

But regardless of whether I agree or not, I’m learning to be quiet, slow to react, and sometimes – just listen. Others have wisdom to share, if I can get out of my own way.

Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for Sisters. My own, wonderful sister by blood whom I love dearly. My Sisters-in-law, who I am connecting with over the years, all of them deeply feeling, strong, intelligent women who enrich my life. And my Sister friends, those few golden friendships I’ve made over the years, who remain close in spite of distance and time.

Sunday

Today’s plan: yoga morning, Super Bowl afternoon with friends coming over. So far, so good.

I’m excited that one of the friends joining us is S, my kick-ass girlfriend who has quit the booze too. So she and I are going to be juicing it up with my latest (fresh cali citrus and carrots, with a little ginger), while we stuff our faces with appetizers and junk food.

Feeling grateful for friends that get it, and a relaxing Sunday ahead.