Day X and Counting

Hey Tonight by The Mavericks

Saturday

A super quick post – tonight C and I are going on a date for dinner and a movie (The Post) and it’s become our replacement Valentines, as he’ll be away for that week on a ski trip.

My plan is to do a better job of listening, and just being quiet. And to enjoy our time together without expectation. I’m excited to share my gift with him (tickets to see The Mavericks, a band we both love to watch live).

I know it will be tough not to drink – and I’m even skipping my usual Saturday night smoke for this – but I’m excited to spend time together.

Wish me luck!

 

Friday

So I’m learning, albeit slowly – very slowly, to pause and examine my emotions instead of immediately reacting. That days like yesterday, full of failures and emotional stress, can be followed by days like today, so far the opposite, is just more proof that emotions are flighty, changeable, unpredictable, temporary.

Yesterday, after my lovely post ending in gratitude toward my husband, I went home and immediately got embroiled in angry discussion with him about something completely stupid. Right, I did that. All me. He pushed me out the door to yoga early, saying it would be easier to put boys to bed without me leaving mid-way through, so I was left with time to calm down and reset. Regardless of his tense delivery, I was grateful again, for him.

Yoga went well. It’s a laid-back class with an instructor that says things like “let’s wring out the toxins” and “breath into your third eye”, and while I have yet to actually believe any of that, I did find myself wringing out the angst of the day – alternately feeling hopeless and upset with myself for KNOWING BETTER and yet still fucking it all up, and feeling the strength of my intention to DO BETTER tomorrow.

I ended on a good note (maybe I did wring out those toxins after all ha!) and decided that I would give myself one intention for today: to not react.

No matter what the triggers, the insanity, the anger or stress around me, I would not react. I would hold back and observe. And if I did just that, I would be proud of myself.

And I did, for the most part.

I think it’s a good starting point. 

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Gratitude postscript:

Lunch today, with a close friend. So many reasons to be grateful: our friendship which I value tremendously, the freedom of freelance that allowed me to take an hour for lunch (as it was my choice to escape an important meeting to attend), the financial freedom to go someplace fancy and order a big lunch, and the freedom to eat more than I would have before quitting, knowing that I have an additional ~1000 calories per day to burn on real food instead of booze.

Thursday

Wow, this morning was rough. Boys were pushing every button, and it was one mess or stressful situation after another for the whole 2 hrs it takes us to get out the door. I just couldn’t get ahead of it. I held it together – no yelling or other bad mom behavior – for most of the morning, until the mad rush for the door. Which was harder than normal due to a temper tantrum right on the way out.

I snapped and said something like “you WILL get IN your CAR SEAT” through gritted teeth as I forced my crying 4-yo into the seat. It wasn’t pleasant. I quickly rallied and acknowledged his anger (“are you upset that you couldn’t finish watching that show? I know that’s hard for you, sweetheart”), told him I knew we were both feeling angry and let’s take some deep breaths together.

On the drive to daycare, he calmed down and my anger faded into tears. I felt like a complete failure. I still feel shitty.

Just last night, I read this article, and it really hit home. It makes so much sense – modeling emotional intelligence to your child – when they are out-of-control, you must maintain control. The importance of acknowledging their pain and anger, and helping them understand the primary emotion behind it. I read it, and thought – I WILL DO THIS. Starting tomorrow morning!

And then.

It’s days like this that I realize how far I have to go, how much I have to learn, how different it is to read something than it is to actually DO it.

Two ways I could have been better equipped to handle this morning’s chaos: better sleep, and a more sober evening last night. I know that contributed to my sense of overwhelm.

So I’m writing this during the day, to give me more time this evening for settling down in healthy ways (yoga, meditation, reading) and going to bed early.

Wish me luck.

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Edited to add:

As part of this exercise, I’d like to add a daily note of gratitude. Although I know it’s not directly connected to sobriety, making it part of this commitment will help me stay consistent.

Today I’m grateful for a husband who was understanding of my failure this morning. His text back? “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I hope yoga tonight helps.” Not only does he understand, but he’ll be putting the boys to bed so I can attend the class. I’m grateful for that.

Wednesday

Just typed that word and took a long deep sigh – Wednesday was a long day.

And it’s amazing how hard it is to be mindful when stress hits. I’m reflecting back on a number of ways in which I could have done better – with the boys mainly. C was on a work ski trip today (lucky bastard) so I worked from home and had boys morning, afternoon and bedtime. 

Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful imaginative funny adventuresome energetic little kids, and I love spending time with them. But damn, they wear me OUT.

By the end of the day, I was wishing for *something* to take the edge off – patience spread thin, dinner taking longer than I thought, boys and dogs driving me nuts (W peed all over the bathroom by mistake, Little C wanting a snack every two minutes, dogs underfoot as I cooked), and the thought of a glass of wine popped through my head a few times.

But I made it through.

All the way through to 8:30pm when I lit up. Ha! Not the norm for a week night, but ya know what, I didn’t drink. It’s on the Post-it for 2018, but not tonight.

Earlier today, driving the boys home from a nearby park, I was reflecting on their little personalities, how different they are. On our hike in the woods, C always needing to be 10 paces ahead (if not further), boundless energy – running running, ahead and back, excited, non-stop chatter. W always behind, by choice, going slowly, in his own world but wanting to be part of ours, he and I talking between ourselves. C, never cold – always with half the winter layers I think he should have but fine. W, the opposite. He was so cold on the way back, he asked to ride my back – tucking his cold hands into the neck of my coat.

How much I love watching them develop. Wondering how much of who they are now I would have been able to predict when they were 1 year old. And would I be able to predict now what they’ll be like as teenagers, adults? Seems presumptuous at this point but at the same time, part of me wants to record everything about them as evidence.

And then came the thoughts: I don’t remember specifically what they were like at 1 year old. Or 2, particularly. I knew I was erasing memories both good and bad back then, and I still drank. That’s depressing. Now I wish that I had at least written more down. Thank god for video and our omnipresent phones.

Hopefully, moving forward minus the addictive behaviors will improve my memory of the boys’ youth.

Tuesday

Today, I had a rough morning with the boys, bringing me back to those mornings months ago where I’d be nursing a hangover while dealing with two potty-training, strong-willed, mischievous toddlers, on 5 hrs of interrupted sleep and buried in overwhelming work stress.

While this morning was tough, it was NOTHING like one of those mornings. Why? Well, the boys are older and fully potty trained for one. But one of the main reasons this morning went better than before has to do with my own change.

Before, I would have yelled. Cried. Gone outside and screamed so loud the neighbor would text “Everything okay over there?” (yes, this actually happened). I would have hurried the boys through the routine, physically forcing them to get dressed and into car seats, no patience for any interruption. And still ended up 15-30 minutes late.

Now? We’re still always running late, but in spite of the boys testing my every limit and pushing each others buttons continuously this morning, I did not completely lose it (came CLOSE! but held it together) and I managed to ride out a massive temper tantrum with Little C in a way that made me proud in the end.

Grateful for the changes that have made this possible. And also grateful for the clearheadedness to see how far I still need to go.

Schubert, Impromptu No 3 in G-flat major, D 899

Monday

I had a cupcake at work today and almost threw up. It was whiskey-flavored. OMG who does that? Only at an advertising agency. I hope this doesn’t mean I fell off the wagon – ha!

Intending to fit in some freelance, then reading, then meditation and early bedtime again tonight. Not much else to report – just slogging through. The lovely pink cloud has floated by and left me feeling a bit empty and sad. Planning to get a couple workouts in this week, tomorrow and Thursday to help kick the doldrums to the curb.

Whiskey cupcake did NOT help.

 

Sunday

Been doing some reading and although I haven’t actually read a real “sobriety” book yet, I’m starting to see a theme. The willpower method of quitting only lasts so long. Willpower runs out (as we’ve all seen with dieting, exercise and other plans that last 3-6 months only to peter out pathetically).

For sobriety to stick-or anything else for that matter, one needs to unearth and deal with the issues that caused the problem to begin with.

I feel like I’ve had my fair share of pink cloud discoveries, and other bright inspiring moments in the almost 3 months of sobriety so far, but I can see how these little perks could end up not being enough. And I want to make sure this sticks. I haven’t done any true deep-dives into the Why yet.

Nothing to share on that theme tonight, just that it’s percolating along in the back of my head. Why did I drink? What was I looking to escape, erase, avoid? I can point to any one thing during different periods of my adult life, and of course my biggest “victim” card before quitting was my marriage… but I’ve been drinking heavily since I was in my 20’s. So – it’s hard to blame any of the specific situations I found myself in over the years.

In the weeks ahead, I hope to do more excavating on this topic and once my free time opens up a bit more, The Naked Mind is on the agenda.

 

Saturday

Today was a full day with the boys – lots of fun Momma-time doing things C doesn’t usually do like eat sweets for breakfast, go to Chic-fil-A, eat a “picnic” dinner in front of the TV. I know, I know… routine is important, but once in awhile, ya got to mix it up for fun.

While the day was too busy to do much reflecting, in the back of my mind I’ve been going over the dinner I had on Thursday with a good girlfriend of mine – the first dinner with her since I’d quit.

Usually, these Girls Night Out evenings with A would involve dinner, lots of wine (at least on my part) and at some point, a tearful exchange after complaining about my sad and lonely marriage. I knew, in the back of my head, that I was burdening her with my issues and that it was rather pathetic and needy. But I did it anyway.

This time, I’m in an entirely different place, and I looked forward to the opportunity to exercise that. I resolved to let her do most of the talking, and when I spoke, to talk only positively about my marriage and the kids.

The meal went well, and I succeeded both at being a good listener and at expressing only positivity, genuine – not manufactured. And throughout the evening, little thoughts would occur to me, as they have in the past:

-This is the point where I would have had a couple and been interrupting her to share my own related story, pulling the focus back to myself.

-This is where I would have been half in the bag and crying, playing the pity-card and hoping for her empathy.

-This is the point where I would be regretting sharing so much with her about our marriage, feeling like I’d crossed a line but not knowing how to stop myself.

But at each of those moments, I wasn’t. I was listening – really there, really connecting. For the most part, my mind was clear (aside from these little blinks here and there) and able to focus on her words without translating it instantly into my own experience.

These “firsts” with friends have been encouraging, as they reveal to me how much I’ve changed. Whether it’s the lack of alcohol, or the awareness that sobriety brings, or the willingness to work on myself, or all of it, I don’t know.

But I’m grateful.

Friday

Still feeling pink – just really on top of it all this morning. Listening to an Audible book this morning, The Dance of Anger, a book I’ve read in paper format but wanted to re-read. No time for that, so commute-time has to work. It’s rewarding to feel it really sinking in.

C is traveling so the boys and I are on our own this weekend. I’ve been mentally prepping for the worst – but so far, it’s been nothing but fun. Got to leave work early to pick them up (screaming, waving Mommy mommy!!!), 40 mins of very cold playground time with lots of interactive adventures and a “picnic”, then home to warm up and put together new Lego sets before dinner. Very little TV, lots of play, all good times. 

Dinner went well too – a miracle! It’s been such a struggle lately, but I feel like we’re rounding a corner.

Well, maybe I’m rounding one too. I’m sure it’s all connected.

And about the pink cloud? I know it’s only temporary… and I feel those doldrums sneaking back in with too much screen-time and not enough exercise… but at least I’m more aware of how it all works.

 

 

 

Thursday

Another unnaturally happy day today and I have no idea why, but I’m enjoying the pink-ness! Work is slower – meaning it’s actually manageable without the constant feeling of adrenalin-fueled panic, and I took the opportunity to get myself a Starbucks this morning – whawha? Never, ever happens.

In any case, now I’m hopped up and cranking through my work checklist.

In the back of my mind, as always, is the home checklist. In true procrastination-fashion, I am avoiding the more important items like writing Thank You cards for the boy’s recent birthday, and focusing on the least important ones like figuring out Valentine’s Day.

What if I were to give C the gift of really listening, without judgment. Is that cheesy? Unrealistic? Not really a gift but more something I should be doing anyway? I don’t know… but I’m tempted to try this, regardless of the holiday.

Having him KNOW that I’m trying might keep me more accountable, so maybe I’ll add this thought to a card, and include a gift certificate for a couple’s massage. 

Done! Checking that one off the list…

Now, back to cranking.