Month: November 2017

Sunday

Should Day 50 feel significant? It went by with little fanfare. In fact, it’s been a bit of a mixed-bag… leaving me at loose ends tonight.

Another weekend day where C and I went our separate ways – him to mountain bike, and me – to take down the garden and go hiking with the boys. An outdoor day, which usually improves my mood but although my time with the boys was wonderful, I find the funk still sticking tonight. And I was short on patience and quick to snap at the kids and C all day. I’ve taken an early shower and hope to go to bed on the early side, as I know how much sleep (or the lack of) plays a part.

Two alcohol-related thoughts from today:

While planting bulbs this afternoon, I was reminded of the quote I read on the church billboard weeks ago… “You must till the soil before you can plant”. And I was doing just that, tearing down this summer’s veggie garden, trimming down the front gardens, pulling out unsuccessful perennials, and then turning the soil to plant bulbs, 3, 5, 6″ down. The process was messy, dirty, ugly. And the yard looks much the same after hours of sweaty labor. The effort was in the hope of beauty next spring. The reward is long-term, not short-term. I was realizing how much of my adult life has been spent seeking short-term pleasure, and how little on the striving and hoping required for long-term reward. Was this partially the result of drinking so much? May my patience and self-control improve with time and self-awareness. (Did I really take until 40 to start growing up?)

The other, somewhat sad, realization I had was that I would not be able to connect with my husband as I had wanted to, needed to tonight. Why? Primarily because he had been drinking heavily. At dinner, his eyes were bloodshot and I almost thought he’d been crying, but then realized it was just the amount of alcohol he’d had all afternoon (heavy G&T’s since about 2pm). I still held out hope that we’d be able to talk through a work situation, so he could provide some advice from a manager’s perspective. Tomorrow is my big chat with HR about the potential position, and although I know I don’t want to take it, I don’t want to turn them off to a future opportunity. I wanted to run some verbiage by C to make sure I was handling the situation professionally and with grace. In other moments like this in the past, he has been a good sounding board. But he was far from able to do that by the time the boys were in bed. He remembered that I’d brought it up earlier (I usually try to warn him when I want to ask something complex/important because he is a slow processor) and asked if I wanted to talk about it, but his eyes were half shut and I knew he wasn’t in the best place for a conversation about professional delicacy. I tried anyway, and threw out the phrasing I knew was wrong and rough and awkward, the phrasing I’d hoped he could help me massage. And he just said “Go with that!” But of course, I can’t. 

This is tough, not just for tonight’s lack of connection, but for the constant lack of connection I’m now feeling more deeply than before. So so many things I would love to have conversations about, ask him about, tell him about – life, planning ahead, growing old together, how to handle our kids now and as they get savvier, more mature, dreams, goals, and tough stuff like what it’s been like for him to lose his parents, what it might be like to lose mine, how would we handle one parent needing to live with us, real tough life shit. But we can barely talk about the immediate logistical stuff like buying dog food.

I know it’s not just alcohol’s fault, but tonight, I blame alcohol for 90%.

Fuck alcohol.

 

Saving this article for later, definitely need to do a better job of this.

 

Saturday

I found myself in another slump today, and let my perception of C’s mood (negative, judgemental) get to me. We barely spent time together today, but the time we were in proximity to each other, he managed to really rub me the wrong way. Who knows, maybe this was all just in my own head. But regardless, by the end of the day, I was in a funk.

After boys went to bed, I distracted myself by prepping for Thanksgiving when, mid-process on the sweet & spicy nuts, I realized I needed a couple things from the store. Thankfully, that break gave me the processing time I needed and I came home in a better place.

My realization was that I had my head down – buried in the mundane stresses and transient, stupid emotions of the day. And I needed to raise my eyes and rise above. Interrupt the misery of the moment with gratitude. So I spent some time thinking about the things C did that I was grateful for today. And there were a few! Being an equal partner with the cooking, cleaning and boys was a good start. Picking up nuts at Costco for my recipe. Giving the boys a bath tonight, so I could finish making the apple pie. Was I angry at him still? Yes. But it interrupted my rumination and helped me to rise above.

I know this has the makings of a perfect inspirational quote overlaid on a nice image, maybe with a hashtag #blessed. But I really am learning that some of these “Rumi-isms” (and even the AA 12 steps) may actually be on to something. I guess I’m at a point where I’m able to absorb it, and sometimes live it.

And I guess gratitude is appropriate to practice, in this season of Thanksgiving.

 

Friday

Meditation:

Meditation is a practice of concentrated focus upon a sound, object, visualization, the breath, movement, or attention itself in order to increase awareness of the present moment, reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enhance personal and spiritual growth

I’ve decided I need to start practicing this. Stress levels are increasing with the holidays approaching, freelance workload increasing, and home pressures consistently overwhelming. Working out is helping, but life just can’t afford for me to be at the gym 7 days/week.

I need a mental escape that I can pull out anywhere – in the middle of a chaotic moment with the boys, or a tense reaction from my husband, or yet another confusing meeting about an impossible project. Mindfulness is key, but it requires practice.

Some ways I’ve practiced in the past:

• paying attention to breathing
• listening to music, being immersed
• yoga, kundalini yoga*
• being in nature

Some new ways I’d like to try:

• Qi Gong
• Tai Chi
• Guided visualization, possibly through an app or on YouTube
• Other app-guided meditations, including Headspace which I’ve just downloaded

Either that or smoking more pot (or maybe both?). Kidding! Although a little toke is exactly my plan for tonight. Happy Friday!

 

*this worked wonders! Even 12 minutes/day.

Thursday

To continue the trend of rollarcoaster emotions, this morning I had a Pink Cloud moment of euphoria. This type of feeling had never really occurred to me prior to quitting, but now they are not uncommon. Usually in the morning, often while driving and listening to music, I have this feeling of complete and total euphoric joy. Lifted above the mundane, I feel invincible, in control, centered, happy. 

It’s really an incredible feeling and I love these moments of perfection. This morning’s moment was brought to you by a good personal training session and an anthemic song on Pandora.

I’m calling them Pink Cloud moments because I know they are just a blip on the radar of life, small spikes in mood, and the tough slogging through waist-deep mud feeling will be back soon enough. It turns out, these feelings are very common for people in early recovery. So I’m learning not to allow myself to get too confident or to take the feeling too seriously, because I recognize how impermanent it is. 

But I do enjoy the cotton candy sweetness while in the moment!

Animal Collective, Bluish

 

 

Wednesday

How is it possible that in one day I can swing from feeling like a pillar of confidence and competence to feeling like the slightest negative comment from C could completely undermine all the self-work I’ve been doing?

Work went well today. I was pulled into the Creative Director’s office and offered a staff position. The conversation basically went like this: “What would you need from us to come onboard?” And then I described my ideal job situation (flexibility, capped hours, low responsibility, work-from-home days, and mix of creative opportunities) while they nodded and talked about the ways this could all be negotiated. It was exhilarating and when I left, knowing that I would likely not take the offer regardless… it was empowering.

I know I’m doing a good job for this agency, working less than 40 hrs/week as a freelance AD but giving them more than 40 hrs of value. I work fast, I lead well, I provide confidence to the team that the work will get done and done well. I know I kick ass at work.

At home? Another story.

The drive home is often me steeling myself against C’s moods and psyching myself up to be 100% present and connected with two very demanding, busy 3yos in spite of feeling tired. 

Tonight, like most nights lately, I arrive home after 1hr+ strenuous rush-hour commute, to both boys piling on me the instant I come in the door talking simultaneously at 100mph, requiring interaction “Mommy, put Theodore (frog puppet) on!” “Mommy, look I’m doing cannonballs on the couch!” “Mommmmmy, excuse me… listen to me!!!!” “Mommy, make Theodore sing the Poopy song!” (This continues non-stop through their bedtime 1.5 hrs later)

Also fighting for my attention, both dogs are circling and nosing me excitedly especially “my” dog, Miles, who likes to not-so-gently nibble at my hands until I pet her. C is trying to get a word in edgewise, and I haven’t even set my bag & coffee mug down yet. I take over the boy care while C heads off to scroll Facebook and drink bourbon in the kitchen. Dial in to a 3yo mentality (lots of poop jokes), connect, laugh, snacks, baths, then books/bathroom/bed. After boys are down, C and I have a bit of a standoffish half-hour in proximity to each other before he went to bed.

I may be succeeding at work but I often feel overwhelmed with the demands of home – not the least of which is my marriage which feels like it has been failing a lot lately.

Quitting has already had a huge effect on my self-confidence, and ability to cope at home and at work, but it’s a lot tougher at home.

PS. All the kid chaos, I love. I totally love.

 

Tuesday

Busy day working from home. I had plans to actually work but unending conference calls sucked up my cellphone battery by 1pm, then therapy, then back to another conference call. I swear, the amount of time doing the actual work is about 1/4 of the total time spent on a project. The rest is filled with meetings.

No cravings today, but a lot of stress and tough emotions at the end of the day. 

Husband and I may have had a nice weekend, but the glow was short-lived. Tense ending last night for some stupidity related to who got to watch what on TV, then another tonight due to parenting disagreements. I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of my workout, and used the anger energy to wear myself out. I’m sure I’ll pay for that in the next few days, but the pain means it’s working…

Although I can’t say the workout helped me process anything. It is a type of avoidance, but at least a healthy one. Now, to get some rest so I have a few brain cells to process on my commute tomorrow.

 

 

Monday

So I reached out to a couple sobriety groups online for non-alcoholic ciders, wine or juices that paired well with cheese, and was surprised by the variety of responses. If I were to bucket them, they’d come in 1) Encouragers with helpful suggestions, 2) Questioners “Non-alcoholic wine, is there even such a thing?!” and 3) Triggered hard-line-AA-folks who were aghast that I could even suggest someone drink NA wine – what a cheat! In fact, how could anyone drink Kombucha when quitting… it contains alcohol!!! (less than .5%, naturally occurring)

Then I started to realize, I’m a Type too. Nothing is new under the sun.

I’m not special. So so so many people have been down this very same road, feeling the very same thing. I feel like a walking cliche… sad, type-A woman over-drinks to forget her unhappy marriage brought on in large part by having kids late in life (surprise, it’s hard!), hits 40 and has mini mid-life crisis, takes a hard look at her life and makes changes – quits alcohol, gets fit, wants a Vitamix for Christmas.

I’m like the Soccer Mom of quitting. Others in the community could question whether I really had a problem to begin with. I mean, I never got a DUI or ruined anyone’s life. Maybe I just care about losing a few pounds, or going on a health kick to reverse the clock. Who knows. 

Well, I know. And for me, I’m glad I’m here, non-alcoholic cheese pairings and all.

BTW, my favorite suggestion so far is Cawston Press Rhubarb Apple sparkling cider.

Side note: Comments can be anonymous, although don’t tell the spammers.

 

Sunday

Trying to fit this in quickly between evening chores, and the boys – still awake and yelling for me in the other room, so it’ll need to be quick. But in spite of the usual chaos and other things percolating along in my brain pan, the realization that living life intentionally is easier sober is really starting to sink in. And I’m also realizing how many ways I would like to be more intentional in my actions, especially after noticing how well “faking it until I felt it” worked.

Who knows, I may even end up doing crazy organized things like remembering to send out birthday cards to family,  or getting our Christmas cards out before February, or – gasp! putting up and taking down holiday decorations in a timely fashion. Given that our halloween decorations are still up, I’m not holding my breath.

In any case, this thinking was brought on tonight by my unusual thinking ahead for the Thanksgiving holiday – specifically planning to bring something special, foodie-wise, so that I can be sharing in the tastes of the holiday without the need for alcohol. At this point, the plan is Murray’s cheese and a favorite nut recipe I make every year. I plan to seek out advice on sparking non-alcoholic wine or juice that might pair well with cheese from my sober online groups, and will report back if I find any worth sharing.

Another intentional plan is to invest more in those friendships in my life that elevate me. I can think of 3-4 specifically, but I hope to build more. This article, aside from the money-success-story part which I found obnoxious, was an interesting read on this topic.

Surround Yourself With People Who Hold You to a Higher Standard Than You Hold Yourself

 

Friday

The second day I’ve missed. The first was the evening before my first sober wedding… and last night I have no excuse. Just life. There were cravings, for sure. C had a nice G&T to celebrate Friday and I felt that strong urge of “you deserve this” after the work week. The urge to unplug, to disconnect, to erase. The boys have provided a rollercoaster mix of complete joy and utter exhaustion lately and after putting them to bed, I caved to that urge by smoking pot. I wasn’t alone – C joined me, and we actually ended up having one of the best nights together we’ve had in a long time. Real, connected conversation on a variety of topics and warmth between us. I’d like to think it wasn’t the pot, but regardless, I enjoyed it and the last thing on my mind was holing up at my computer to post.

Saturday

It was primarily my day with the boys – gymnastics, then our local nature center, then lunch-naps-dinner-groceries-bedtime all in back-to-back order. While they were napping, in that wonderful sunlit part of the afternoon, C pulled a nice bottle of red out of the wine fridge and opened it to breath, commenting on it’s year and reasons why he wanted to try it now vs next year. All of this is familiar territory, and would have turned into a pleasant tasting between us while the kids slept.

Today, I struggled. A lot. Missing out. Wanting a taste. Knowing I couldn’t even try a little. He asked, “Didn’t you say you’d eventually have a glass when we open a nice bottle?” And I had to respond that maybe I would, but not now. And honestly, I hate the thought that I will never again, but I am scared that if I open that door now or in the future, it will eventually lead to where I was when I quit. I certainly have been down that road many times quitting cigarettes.

In any case, the wine experience is a really really tough one to give up.

And tonight, having just put the boys down after a long, wonderfully busy day, I’m headed downstairs for a puff and snuggle on the couch, maybe a stupid movie. I’ve earned it. 

And yes, I know that it’s not healthy. One goddamn thing at a time.

Thursday

Today, a beautiful post in an online sobriety group caused me to look more closely at a trigger for drinking that I hadn’t really examined: Loneliness.

Although loneliness was a real catalyst for my Valentine’s Day commitment to myself, I hadn’t given a lot of thought to its connection to drinking. But honestly, I believe it was one of the primary drivers. The lack of true connection–having people around me who really know me, soul-deep, not skin-deep, has been tough. Prior to this year of self-discovery, I knew I was craving connection within my marriage, but hadn’t invested much energy into finding it outside of my marriage. And certainly hadn’t examined whether I was trying to find it (or bury my desire for it) in a bottle.

7 years ago, I moved to NJ after marrying my husband, leaving family and close friends 400 miles behind. In my 20’s and early 30’s I’d lived in numerous places around the world and was content being independent and alone, but somehow this move was more difficult. Maybe because I expected my marriage to fulfill that need and when it didn’t, I was deeply disappointed. 

There are many reasons why we struggle for connection: young twins, different work schedules, our own individual need for independence. But regardless of the reasons, marriage has not been a place of deep connection for either of us yet. 

I’ve always taken awhile to make quality friends. Here in NJ, it’s taking longer than normal though, due to a long-distance commute to work (and coworkers being similarly distant), a suburban home in a development that is still turning over from original buyers at retirement age to younger families like our own, seasonal friends associated with our weekends at the beach who all go into hibernation in the winter, and well – just being a super busy working parent of little kids! These days, life doesn’t leave a lot of room for the type of investment a deep friendship requires.

So…evenings are usually me, alone after 8:30pm, which does not bode well for connection. Drinking was a reward for the hard work of the day, and a friend that helped me unplug and just be myself, pjs, doritos, crappy TV and all.

I didn’t realize that drinking was slowly distancing me from the world of connection, like a possessive boyfriend who chips away at your self-confidence and separates you from your family and friends. I would decline phone calls after a certain point in the evening because I knew I wasn’t sober enough and worried it would be obvious. I wouldn’t accept invitations to go out with friends because it cramped my drinking. Friday night book club? Out of the question. I mean seriously, who goes out to a BOOK CLUB on Friday night? Friday nights are for getting smashed! Right? I’d even leave parties early so I could go home and drink/smoke the way I really wanted to.

Now that I’m not drinking, I have been packing those evenings with workouts, online activity and reading to offset the cravings… but not as much social activity, yet. I’m still figuring my new self out. It’s helpful to know though, that a better connection with others might be part of what I’m craving, not just the alcohol.

One, Aimee Mann