Headed out for a rare date night with C… dinner, then the Mavericks show in Asbury Park. I’m ready for it to be a fun night although things haven’t been the most fun between us lately.
This is now the 4th or 5th concert I’ve been to since quitting, so the thought of staying sober is not as pressing, but I will admit to considering eating a bud before we leave… Not going to do it for a number of reasons, but the thought was there.
Tomorrow is a beach day, then Sunday the same – plus Father’s Day celebrations, with some family coming into town. Should be a solid summer weekend with lots of good family and outdoor time mixed in. Thank god for hangover-free mornings!
New day, new mindset. This journal is helpful in reminding me that nothing lasts forever. After last night’s loneliness, I’m back to being self-sufficient today and open to soaking up the joy of a perfect sunny summer day.
Do we have our problems? Yes, absolutely. Could they be helped with some sort of counseling? Probably. Is any of that going to happen right now? No.
So then its on to the dinner-time routine for me… I’m cooking tonight, which is usually C’s job, and am excited to try a new recipe. Fingers crossed it’s savory enough for the boys to enjoy:
Francis Bacon – Portrait of George Dyer Looking Into Mirror
Pretty typical Wednesday.
Boys and I maneuvered our morning without mishap, primarily due to the fact that I was able to get coffee & meditation in.
Work was its usual ball of crazy, went late today… rushed home to three over-tired boys, relieved one to go play volleyball and tucked the other two in.
C and I exchanging maybe 5 words.
We’re not on the same page much right now, it seems.
I find myself falling into the hopeless spiral and then catch it. No, Self, we’re just not seeing eye to eye on a couple topics, and we’re both struggling to communicate with each other right now. It’s not forever, its just right now.
I feel like I have so much I want to share with him, thoughts about our life together – our kids, plans for the future, ways we can improve things for each other. But he doesn’t see me like that. He sees a different version of me and maybe there is some truth to that version, but it’s not a positive one. I don’t feel like he really SEES ME.
Refocus. The boys need me more right now anyway.
I’m working on getting better with my interaction with them, working to really SEE them and reflect it back positively. And they reflect love like little beaming rays of sun, which fills my heart, so that can be enough.
In the end that’s all any of us want, anyway. To be seen and understood for who we really are, the good and the bad.
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.” – onbeing.org
Another area where I see minor improvements is that of personal flexibility. It’s not all the time, more like 1 in 10… but I’m getting there.
This morning, tired after a late night struggling to fall asleep and 4am “snuggles” with W (see also: kidney kicking), I dragged myself out of bed to meditate and get a cup of joe into my system before the boys woke up.
On my way down the stairs, I was intercepted by W, looking slumpy and sad. I tried to comfort him quickly and get him back into bed – for my own sake mainly, but also so he could get more rest as we were still almost an hour before their usual wake-up time. It didn’t stick, so I made a deal with him that if he got himself dressed and played quietly, he could get up.
While he puttered around procrastinating or ignoring our agreement (or just lost in his own imagination land who knows), I downed a cup of coffee quickly and got into my meditation spot.
W padded downstairs and started pulling out toys, still not dressed of course. When I reminded him of the need for quiet play, he pulled out the electronic drum set and proceeded to turn it on full-blast. Little C’s sleepy face then appeared at the top of the stairs.
Oh NO. I saw my meditation time slowly slipping from my grasp. I watched as the anger built up inside, fueled by tiredness and frustration.
Then, the magic happened.
I decided to change course. W obviously needed my individual attention right then and his acting out was his way of asking for it. So I dropped my expectations and with it, my anger, and called him into my lap where we snuggled and talked quietly about a bad dream he’d had.
After a couple minutes, he was fine and jumped down. Little C was thankfully playing independently at this point so I was actually able to fit in a few short minutes of meditation, in spite of the interruption.
In the end, it wasn’t the easiest morning, but I didn’t yell or lose my temper and we got to daycare on time.
Just a small gain, but captured here to remind myself I’m making headway.
Two of the more enduring things I find myself saying lately are:
Enjoy the process
Find comfort inside
Yesterday, I spent a couple hours weeding the front and back gardens, a somewhat tedious and back-straining task. I found myself working in a frenzy, hunched over in an uncomfortable position and feeling stressed about getting it all done before the boys woke up from their naps.
Then I stopped.
Why was I flying through this activity when there were so many reasons to slow down, be present, and actually enjoy it? So I did exactly that. I enjoyed the quiet alone time, listening to birds singing in spite of the rain. I felt the sprinkle of cool rain in the warm air, bringing the temperature to a perfect point – not too wet and not too dry, making everything in the yard a brilliant green. I enjoyed the texture and smell of the dirt in my hands, and the satisfaction of the slow but sure progress behind me.
ENJOY THE PROCESS, I reminded myself.
Don’t fly through it unconsciously or you’ll miss out on life. Life IS the process.
In a similar way, when I notice myself falling into an uncomfortable mindset or situation (usually some sort of internal stress relating to the boys or C), I remind myself that I’ve created a room full of pillows inside my mind… at least that’s how I visualize it.
And I can go there whenever I want. It’s the quiet space created through meditation. I don’t need to sit in a lotus position and chant OMMMM or close my eyes to get there either. Sometimes just reminding myself that it’s there is enough. Other times, a deep breath or two will interrupt the mental and physical auto-reaction and allow me to make a more conscious choice to react in a way that doesn’t stress me out as much.
Because I am my world. Might as well make it a good place to be!
Yesterday was an all-around perfect day. C let me sleep in until 7:30am while he started the morning with the kids. We had a nice family breakfast then headed to the beach to meet up with friends and a bunch of C’s family who came in from out of town. After a beautiful day at the ocean, a 10 on the Perfect Beach Weather scale in spite of predicted thunderstorms, we spent the early evening with family back at our house.
When everyone left and the boys were down, C and I plopped on the couch to phubb per usual. He was playing an online card game and I was surfing social media.
I decided to break the monotony and offer that we play a real card game.
The last time we played Gin (our favorite game together) was when I’d undergone knee surgery and was recovering. C used it as a way to distract me from the pain so I could hold out the doctor’s required 4 hours until the next pain killer. The first week or two were excruciating and C was up at all hours of the night making sure I wasn’t popping pills too soon.
So now, playing cards has that loving tonality to it, as well as the history of many many times we’d played together before that during our happier years.
I didn’t think about that when I offered it – I was just thinking that we both needed to get our noses out of our phones and interact.
Our interactions lately are so strained; either we’re arguing, or we’re unhappy with the other, or we’re talking logistics/money/kids which is of course, not the most fun.
As we sat back and got back into the routine of quiet card playing, I found myself taking a deep breath and relaxing. No words exchanged, we were barely even looking at each other. But the interaction was good…dare I say it, even meditative. What little we did say was related to the game, back to our usual teasing and strategizing, with a little flirting thrown in.
Maybe we need more card games in our life.
PS. I want to add that C has been off the booze for the last two days due to a recurrence of what he’s now calling pancreatitis (although undiagnosed): horrible pain in his abdomen and back that gets worse at night, not related to stomach or gastric upset according to him. This has happened a few times, each time lasting a week or so – with him swearing off the booze for 2-3 days to recover, which seems to help. I wish he would see a doctor about it, but when I asked if he’d mentioned it at his last physical, he said it had been years (!!!), and no he hadn’t talked with a doc about it.
So I’m better after yesterday’s bitch session and a phone call with my very reasonable, rational friend S.
I decided not to say anything last night, after a stressful and somewhat touchy evening with the kids. If nothing else, I’m learning to hold my tongue and wait for better timing.
After talking with S, who helped me realize that I am not responsible for C’s actions toward the teachers, therefore owed no one an apology and have no need to feel embarrassed… I decided not to say anything about it to C at all (unless it comes up naturally), and to advise the teachers to approach C about it on their own if they want him to know how he made them feel.
Poor S, she got an earful last night. But I’m in a better place today.
I’m still considering floating the idea of couple’s or individual therapy to C at some point in the near future, but will be waiting for the right moment when neither of us are particularly upset with the other.
Deep breaths.
When in doubt, pause, stay quiet, and add more meditation.
Oh, and conversations with S always help.
Edited to add: Although it was probably obvious who I was talking about in the previous post, I just realized I gave it away here. D’ur.
Illustration for NYT opinion article “In My Chronic Illness, I Found Meaning”, by Dadu Shin
Wednesday
One of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve heard since quitting has been to be IN the body: to observe the body when it starts to heat up with anger, or accelerate into fight-or-flight mode, or feel other undesirable feelings driven by emotion. Is your heart beating fast? Do your temples heat up or feel pressure? Do you find yourself holding your breath?
BE IN YOUR BODY.
BE PRESENT.
Just by observing the natural responses of your body, you can help yourself calm down – or at least be more in control of the situation. Recognizing the physical element of what is happening gives the opportunity for a physical response – taking a deep breath, rubbing your forehead, relaxing your tense shoulders, stretching.
It’s amazing to me how I can go an entire day without being truly IN my body. The line of work I do is creative and primarily happens in the mind, sitting in meetings or at a computer. Of course this defines most jobs these days. But without some form of exercise or break to get outdoors – it’s not unusual for me to realize at the end of a day that I haven’t given one thought to my body.
Learning to bring my mind into my body more has helped in a number of ways. I feel more connected with my own health. And with this awareness of the connection between the mind and body, I’m given better context for the monkey brain thoughts that run through my head.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just waking up after a lifetime of being asleep.
“If you are present, the painbody cannot feed anymore on your thoughts, or on other people’s reactions. You can simply observe it, and be the witness, be the space for it. Then gradually, its energy will decrease.”
Tolle says the first step to enlightenment is to be an “observer” of the mind:
“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not “the thinker.” The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated. You then begin to realize that there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence. You also realize that all the things that truly matter – beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace – arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken.”
*Caveat for this article: I’m not sure Tolle’s insights apply to the clinically depressed mind. Chemical imbalance cannot be fixed by mere awareness.
As could be expected, the news of Kate Spade’s death today has brought to light the common struggles people have with suicide as well as the common reactions. All over social media are comments like “Well, goes to show money can’t buy happiness” and “Why???”.
News of suicide always hits me hard as I have close friends and family members who have been suicidal, as well as a good friend, J, who took his own life last summer. As we head back to the beach, memories of him come rushing back. He’s even been in my dreams recently.
Over the weekend, my good friend S helped me work through some of my anger at J.
He didn’t kill himself, the illness killed him. It was out of his control. You feel betrayed? The person you knew and loved WAS the real person, not the illness – which distorted his reality and took away his essence. Be angry at the illness, not the person.
C and I have shed many tears together remembering J, but it will take a while to process what happened. Staying open to feeling the pain, instead of numbing it every night with booze, is part of the plan.
It’s amazing how much the mind and body are connected… to feel actual pain and heaviness in your heart over the suffering of another human.
I’m learning that true consciousness pays as much attention to the body as the mind.
Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking (video), Eckhart Tolle – I feel the need to say this is marinating for my own needs, not as a response to another person’s negative thoughts
Primus – The Rainbow Goblins Chapter 1 (The Valley)
Monday
Back at work after a wonderful weekend with S, full of crazy kid time, an evening out to see her cousin in concert, a perfect beach day and lots of laughs.
The Mastadon/Primus concert was a blast, in spite of the fact (or maybe BECAUSE of the fact) that neither of us drink. I was remarking to her on our way home that it would have been an entirely different experience if I was still drinking.
First of all, we probably would have Ubered, or I would have wanted her to drive – which she would have reluctantly accepted, not one to drive at night in an unfamiliar place. I would have pre-gamed a bit at home, having 1-2 stiff cocktails before leaving, then some wine or beer with dinner pre-show, and then immediately filling the empty space at the concert with beer after beer.
Later in the evening, when we got texted by her cousin’s wife to come join them post-show, I would have been the annoying drunk girl hanging on a fully-sober S*, thinking I was funny but mostly just being loud and embarrassing. Or maybe I would have been self-conscious around the band, knowing I was soaked, and had a miserable experience as the wallflower.
In the end though, we had so much fun circling around the stage, trying to pick out the people on LSD, laughing at the mosh pit crazies, and rocking out to music we don’t normally listen to. When we hung out with the Primus & Mastadon crew after the show, I felt nicely in control and fully myself, confident but not overbearing. I enjoyed having conversations with a variety of people who might have intimidated me before, but now, with more awareness and confidence, it was just a lot of fun.
The other night she stayed with us, we smoked pot together – and I’m not going to make any excuses for that. It was awesome. S may struggle with depression, but the woman has a sharp and unique wit that comes to light occasionally, and apparently smoking pot helps.
Over the course of the evening, we both laughed so hard my sides hurt the next day, even as we we said goodbye with tears in our eyes.
At the beginning, our friendship consisted of throwing theme parties, bar-hopping at the local alt-culture haunts and flirting with guys. 15 years later? It’s about being there for each other through thick & thin – the fabric of our lives is richer, thicker, more complex.
I appreciate what we have, knowing how rare it is.
*And I forgot to ask her what that experience was like in the past.
