Day X and Counting

Friday

Weird, I’m feeling shy about posting tonight for some reason. Just don’t feel like being online.

I guess I depleted my social abilities today – lots of fun at the Bounce House (after a week of spring break, I think every parent in the county was there), then book club which I had to attend, seeing as I’ve missed the last 3 or 6 and had finally actually read the book…

Plus I’m just depleted. 

Having two 4yo boys makes me feel old sometimes. A week of keeping pace with them has been absolutely fantastic, but also completely exhausting. And of course, they’re up at 6am every day lately WIDE AWAKE and instantly getting into trouble.

I came downstairs today, literally 2 minutes after we’d all woken up, to find W in the kitchen stirring a tiny cup, with salt all over the table and floor. Come to realize, he’d found, opened and tried to interpret the directions of the Salt Crystal kit I’d bought earlier, that had been hidden away on top of the fridge. Don’t ask me how he managed to get it down. And he’s doing the experiment in his pull-up. Stirring chemicals together and spilling them all over the floor and looking at me like, What?

That was just how the day started.

Anyhow, I will admit that those open bottles of wine at book club were just a little tempting tonight. Nothing like book club Moms Night Out after a week of spring break – everyone had their own bottle. I ducked out early to catch C before he fell asleep on the couch, his usual MO. And I should get back to that!

Grateful for this week, it’s been full of sunshine in spite of the weather.

 

Thursday

In spite of a looming head cold, we fit in a trip to Grounds for Sculpture today – as well as a bike ride and lots of outdoor backyard fun. It was a blast – and now I’m exhausted.

Coming in from the 45-degree weather just now, the warm house filled with afternoon sunshine and mouth-watering smells of C making dinner, I’m filled with gratitude. It’s not perfect, at all, but it’s just right, right now.

C had a bottle nice red open and breathing on the counter, and in the past, I would have added that pleasure to the rest of the afternoon’s perfection. In the moment, it would have been magical, adding it’s own warm, blurry glow. 

But – it would have meant that I wouldn’t go to yoga tonight, or worked on a painting I’m trying to finish, or read a few chapters in the book club book due tomorrow (in fact, I wouldn’t have even been part of a book club before – because staying sober enough to meet on a Friday night would have been out of the question)… and after the afternoon glow had worn off, I would have been chasing a buzz through boy’s bedtime routine, just wanting it all to be over, impatient and edgy with them until I could close their door and get back to the real drinking. And all of this with a cold, so tomorrow would have been even worse – a hangover on top of the headache, sour throat, stuffy nose.

So, I guess I’m walking myself through it and out the other side – into reality.

What a better reality tonight is and will be, without the booze.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m starting to annoy myself with these postscripts, so I’m just going to weave my grateful thoughts into the posts themselves.

Wednesday

It doesn’t completely miss me that all of this self-improvement comes from a place of privilege. That not everyone could make this happen, or at least would struggle a lot more. Days like today, where in spite of being on spring break with the boys, I hired our friend & sitter to come watch the boys while I went to a yoga class and got a pedicure, returning refreshed for the rest of the day with the boys… days like today leave me feeling grateful as well as a bit spoiled.

This thought will need to wait, as boys just came charging into the room demanding “momma bath time”…

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for it all.

Tuesday

Procrastination station over here… I should be working on a book cover design, but it’s a tough project so I’m here instead. 

All this healthy living has me learning a life lesson I should have learned years and years ago (add it to the list of growing experiences I’m having only now, after quitting – and am playing catch up with the grown-ups around me): 

As much as we may live in our minds, our bodies have a big influence on our mental state. And our bodies are machines: what we fuel them with, and how we treat them (sleep, exercise, sunshine etc) makes a huge difference in how we feel. The mind-body connection is obvious, and I knew that already, but feeling and seeing it in action is another thing entirely. 

Small example: today, I haven’t exercised or eaten anything green yet today. Pizza for lunch is sitting like a brick in my stomach and I’m feeling rather dreary and lethargic. Last night’s sleep was interrupted by boys in our bed from 2am on, kicking my back and fussing occasionally. And this mood, which in the past I might have attributed to the stress of work or the depletion of spending time with two energetic 4yos, I can now blame almost 100% on my body’s physical condition.

Knowing that is really freeing for me, a person who tends to get caught up in her thoughts – as though they are more reality than the reality in front of me. 

And knowing that, I have a tool. Tonight, I plan to find a way to work out, eat a big old salad for dinner – maybe with some fish, and get to bed early. Mood lifted already – just in anticipation.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for another fun morning with the boys (aquarium visit with a fellow mom friend & her two young kids). I’m grateful that today has been going like clockwork, appointments, nap time, freelance etc. I’m grateful C seems to be in a good mood. And I’m grateful that my sister is doing so well after delivering E, our family’s newest member.

 

Monday

My sister just had a baby today! After driving herself to the hospital in active labor (bad ass woman that she is), she’s popped out an almost 9lb baby boy and I could not be more excited.

No other news tops this today!

Gratitude? Mounds and mounds of it – for her safe arrival at the hospital (not delivering a baby in the snow by the side of the road) and for the healthy boy who has joined our family who we cannot wait to love on!

 

April Fools Easter Sunday

6 MONTHS! I made it 6 MONTHS! Wahhooooooo!

When I first started, I remember thinking how far away and impossible 6 months felt. But day by day, it happened. Up days and down days, just normal life happening around me, as if nothing had changed. But so much WAS changing, under the surface. I’m not sure I would have been able to guess how much this decision was going to change my life at the time I quit.

And even after 6 months, I really have no idea, except that it’s made a huge difference, with far-reaching effects, already in the first 1/2 year. 

I hope and pray that the next 6 months continue on the same path and that on celebrating a year, I’ll be able to say that I made progress against some of my current goals, primarily more patience and acceptance with myself and others.

Speaking of goals, I’ve started a rough bullet journal – actually to call it that might be a gross exaggeration – but it’s a visual log of three daily activities I want to track over the next few months: meditation, exercise, and 8 hours of sleep. Today was day 1. The 30-day challenge showed me that having a visual checkbox system was motivating especially after the days started piling up (similar to this blog), so let’s see if it works for these other goals!

A 6-month review:

Looking back, I can see I’ve come a long way. My current slow-down may be partially due to overload of expectations for myself and for the experience of quitting. And I think somehow, my brain knows it needs to go dark for awhile to allow things to percolate in the subconscious. So I’m OK with that.

In the days ahead, my posts may be less about personal growth, and more about salad recipes and exercise achievements… forgive me the insufferable Healthy Shit. In all honesty, once I saw what a difference quitting made, I started making these other tweaks (to diet, exercise etc) and the payoffs have been tremendous. I feel better than I have in years, more energy, more focus, more confidence. And being more aware and in tune with my body, I can see the improvements even just having a green smoothie can make for my mood, energy levels, morning productivity etc.

So I’m tweaking away, while the subconscious percolates.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for another wonderful day with the boys, not very Easter-y, but filled with outdoor time and great conversation. No timeouts, no screaming (them), no angst and frustration (me). I’m grateful that the hearty salad recipe turned so well, and looking forward to sharing with my friend & neighbor J tomorrow. I’m grateful for fun plans ahead with the boys this week. Last but not least, I’m grateful each and every day for the enjoyment of a long hot shower. I know that sounds weird, but it’s one of my favorite moments of the day, and I savor it. Might as well express that here!

Saturday

Percolating along over here, still sober. The daily epiphanies may have slowed down but good stuff is still happening under the surface. Seismic shifts without the earthquakes. And once in awhile, something will crop up to remind me how far I’ve come.

Last night, cleaning up the downstairs on my way to bed, I drank some water from what I thought was my water glass… only to realize it had been C’s and he’d had something alcoholic in it, beer or bourbon – then filled it with water after. Even watered down, the taste of stale alcohol was completely disgusting. I found myself recoiling in a visceral way. In only six months, I’ve completely lost my taste for it.

Of course, I wonder if that same reaction would happen had I tried the pinot noir he opened for dinner tonight. A bottle from one of the verticals we have from William Selyem, a relatively unknown winemaker that specializes in the pinot noir grape – and I will admit to feeling a pang of longing. The color was perfect, a clear jewel-tone red, with legs for days and a thin clear layer on top… 

But then the longing passed, and I enjoyed the rest of the evening without the dry mouth, the impending headache (wine always gave me an early hangover), and the added impatience with boys’ bedtime routine.

Tomorrow marks 6 months. 

I’m going to celebrate with a nice workout, green smoothie for breakfast, new hearty salad recipe for lunch, and lots of outdoor playtime with the boys.

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Gratitude Postscript

I am extremely grateful for the wonderful family day we had – running around our favorite local beach in a 50-degree, perfectly sunny day, biking on the boardwalk and running into random Easter-bunny fun (something I wanted to do this weekend but hadn’t planned ahead for). The boys were uncharacteristically easy, and we even went out to eat for lunch. Overall, it was a smooth-sailing kind of day, and I’m appreciating every moment of it.

Friday

Today was supposed to be our first day of Spring Break but work got in the way. So now, I’m wrapping up the details and have finally, I think, extricated myself from all responsibilities. Let the relief soak in!!

Now, I can finally wrap my head around this upcoming week with the boys – which, in spite of recent parenting struggles, I am actually looking forward to. Maybe we’ll even take a little trip – certainly a day trip or two… Grounds for Sculpture if it’s nice, Liberty Science Museum if it’s not. Maybe a visit in to Brooklyn to visit family… now that work stress is off my back, anything seems possible.

This is also the week I start my 90-day workout program, which I intend to enjoy thoroughly.

It’s amazing what a good chat with a sympathetic friend, plus the anticipation of a little time off has done to shift my mood.

Now, I’ve got two crazy boys in my ear wanting to have a pillow fight so I’m out.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to be heading into a weekend and week ahead with zero desire to drink. I’m grateful for two little boys who remind me to lighten up. I’m grateful for the upcoming break!

Thursday

This is gonna be quick because it’s late and I’m exhausted. Today was a scramble from the start. Morning routine went better than it has lately, because I laid down the law from the get-go. Guess I need to get better at that.

Then work insanity from the moment I dropped kids off – juggling multiple conference calls and work that needed to get done at the same time. And of course, I’d agreed to join my friend for the HRC talk at Rutgers in the afternoon, so I needed to magically get a full day’s work done in 1/2 the time (which didn’t happen).

On to Rutgers, one ear in yet another con call while chatting with my friend, M, who I hadn’t seen in way too long. Catching up with her was so nice, getting a chance to verbalize some of the changes I’m going through while also picking her brain about this age with twins given that she’s a fellow mom of twins. 

Seeing Hillary was a real experience, while she answered questions in an informal format in front of a packed-out and enthusiastic audience. We both got the OK from our spouses to stay out for dinner, and enjoyed that thoroughly (neither of us drinking!) before heading home.

Now, I’m beat – just wrapping up the final work stuff of the day and headed down to meditate, then shower, then bed.

Today’s catch-up session was a nice reminder that in spite of my recent discouragement, I have come a long way and am slowly making progress even on my more persistent personal issues.

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Gratitude Postscript

Thank god for quality friends like M, who bring out the best in you but also understand when you reveal your worst side. 

Wednesday

Well, a look at my sober calendar informed me this morning that although 180 days is 6 months in theory, the actual math of the last few months means I’m still shy by a few days.

Which is fine by me as today was anything but exemplary.

In fact, I’m phoning it in today and may even smoke a little pot, in spite of my “not on weeknights” rule. It was One of Those Days – and tonight, honestly, I just want a break from it all, including the self-work of wondering Why I’m Escaping. So my little pot pillow will have to do. At least I’m not drinking?

Headed downstairs to finally have dinner at 8:30pm, pack lunches, finish laundry, create the spring party favors for daycare that I promised (why?!), and then shower, maybe meditate and fall face first into my pillow.

Just a quiet evening.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that work has slowed down enough for me to feel like I can take a true break next week during Spring Break – now, I just need to rally the desire to enjoy it with the boys who are driving me nuts lately. Well, that wasn’t the greatest expression of gratitude now was it, Self? Let’s try again. I’m grateful that my friend offered me an extra ticket to go see HRC tomorrow at Rutgers, and somehow life opened up and I can go. I’m grateful for friends interested in splitting a CSA share with us, and for friends wanting to join me on a motivation train for fitness that I’ve set up on FB. Good people around me, so chin up, Self and get over this slump.