Day X and Counting

 

Monday

Feeling exhausted after a long day at work, sleepless night last night, and rough morning with the boys…but I’m also grateful that as I came in the door, C was already upstairs getting boys into the bath, giving me a short break to decompress.

Thanks to my long commutes I’ve finished This Naked Mind, and am hoping to post about some of its highlights soon. Lately, it seems I’m doing my novel reading at home in the evenings, and saving my audio books for self-improvement topics and commutes, when I seem to have the most brain-power. Nice to have brain-power on reserve, even when the stress hits. Given that this is a new development, I think this resilience is thanks in part to being alcohol-free.

I’ve moved on to a book called Beyond Addiction, that came recommended by someone in a private FB group, when I reached out in exasperation about my husband’s drinking and how difficult it was to be around. On Chapter 2, and I can already see that this has the potential to be helpful in a number of areas in our marriage, not just the topic of alcohol. We’ll see if it lives up to its promises. I’ll post on this book too when I’m done.

Now, the evening shift,: boys to bed, then 15-minute workout, then dinner & evening chores, then hopefully time to read/meditate/relax and head to bed early.  

Onward!!

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for having the backbone to stand up to someone today, pressuring me to be part of an early meeting for which I’d need to sacrifice family time. I offered to try my best, but said, ultimately, meetings at this time would be an issue for me, and this was why I chose to freelance. I’m grateful that C is doing baths tonight. I’m grateful that my pants are fitting looser. And I’m grateful for the yummy PeiWei lunch I had, sushi & salad. It’s a cornucopia of gratitude today!

 

Sunday

wifi is down so I’m gonna consider today a rest day. Headed to read and meditate before an early bed, which all sounds fabulous right now.

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Gratitude Postscript

Yoga today, I did my first successful headstand. I’m grateful to my friend for helping me practice yesterday, and to the setting for being one where I felt challenged but also accepted.

 

Saturday

 

Today was relatively uneventful mentally, except for a phone call with my uncle H. My mother’s brother who lives on the other side of the US and runs a busy medical practice rarely has time for a call to family this far away, so this was special.

I found out he quit drinking last year so had reached out via text, and he surprised me with a phone call to chat about it. In the end, our experiences were similar: neither of us had bottomed out (yet), but it was negatively affecting our lives and family relationships, and we felt a loss of control that we didn’t like. He quit cold turkey, no moderation attempt, and hasn’t looked back since. For him, it was a 3-finger whiskey habit that often ended up more like a 9-finger night. I think for both of us, having hard liquor as our drink of choice accelerated the process of becoming dependent. 

I was interested to hear more about how his relationship with his wife had helped spur his desire to quit (her previous 2 marriages had ended due to alcohol issues), but we ran out of time, and I also didn’t want to pry too much.

But it’s a topic that holds a lot of interest for me. Can a spouse encourage their partner to look critically at their drinking habits, and even encourage them to quit, without damaging the relationship or driving them the opposite way? If so, how?

Then I remind myself that, really, it is impossible to make another person change their ways… and I need to focus my energy on myself.

Plenty there to work on.

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Gratitude Postscript

Ending the day exhausted, but the good kind, in my muscles and in my brain. Lots of healthy activity today. I’m grateful for the time spent with my good friend S talking about deep life shit, and I’m grateful that our boys enjoy hanging out with each other as much as we do (in fact, we’re joining them for yoga tomorrow!). 

Friday

While it hasn’t been a particularly easy week, I’m wrapping up today feeling especially grateful. Lately, I’ve been feeling a depth of freedom that I haven’t felt…well, in years. Freedom from the compulsion to drink. Freedom from something I knew was harming me, but couldn’t seem to stop doing. Freedom from myself.

I’m headed into a weekend full of family commitments, freelance work, personal projects and hopefully, some exercise and rest. But the desire to drink isn’t there. The idea that somehow this weekend will be lacking without the booze is completely gone. In it’s place is a sense of centeredness. 

Life hasn’t changed – it still has it’s moments of stress and angst – but I feel so much more in control. Content with what is, and hopeful for what comes ahead.

And without the willpower needed to moderate, or wait for 5pm, or the weekend or whatever, I’m finding I have more willpower to commit to exercise goals, to stand up to the boys constant battle of wills (and MAN is that tough), to hold my tongue when needed. Turns out research has shown that willpower is an exhaustible resource. I could have told you that after running out of it on a daily basis, around 3pm, due to battling it out with the twins. I’m grateful that I’ve found deeper reserves since quitting.

I remember this time last year, heading into work up three flights of stairs and getting tired 1/2 way through. My thought at the time was, “I hope that in a year, I’ll be bounding up these stairs two at a time, feeling energetic and healthy”. And a year later, it’s happened. And with this physical change has come a mental change that I’m grateful for in spite of the ever-changing craziness around me.

Lighter inside and out.

Thursday

To continue on Tuesday’s theme of the Hot Mess Mom, anyone else noticed an up-tick in Moms Who Drink memes these days?

I mean, I get it. Momming is HARD. And according to social media, not only is daily wine drinking healthy for you, it’s also a necessary part of motherhood. Ya know, to tolerate your demon spawn kids and all the stress associated with getting your husband to help out running a household.

So, of course the answer is more alcohol! Of course!

But this is so completely wrong. Forget that alcohol actually makes us LESS able to cope with the stresses of raising kids, LESS present, LESS energetic etc etc etc … Think about what this says to our children. 

You’re so difficult, I need to get drunk to be around you. I need to mentally check out in order to deal with you.

When you really think about it, it’s heartbreaking.

And even though my boys are only four, I have no doubt that they pick up on things like this already.

This mom puts it beautifully in a story about the birthday of her young daughter:

Moms Tell Me to Drink

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Gratitude Postscript

I am so grateful for the way this morning started. W ended up in bed with me around 1am, so I snuck out of bed without waking him (score!!!), tip-toed downstairs and managed to fit in the workout AND a 10-minute meditation before the boys came downstairs. A complete and total miracle, which ended up being fundamental in my ability to cope with this morning’s challenges. Little C started the day in the same manner he ended yesterday, as if he hadn’t even slept. Immediately on waking, he went into a full-blown temper-tantrum (for reasons that were beyond my adult logic) and was impossible to reason with or convince to do much of anything for the first 45 minutes. If I hadn’t had my wits about me, I might have strangled him. So I guess he can be grateful too.

 

 

Wednesday

Better emotional regulation*. Top of my list of things to work on in 2018 and lately, I can see why.

The last three days have been a roller coaster of stress, emotions, fleeting pink cloud moments of feeling on top of the world and dark “what am I even doing” thoughts that traveled down the familiar negative groove.

I guess that’s one of the helpful things about journaling. It allows one to see how changeable everything is, even when it can feel so overwhelmingly permanent in the moment.

In the final chapters of This Naked Mind and I will say some of her brain retraining might be sinking in. I plan to do a little recap of it when I’m done, but in the meantime, I’m gonna leave today with the hand-written quote on the notecard I received with a t-shirt:

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

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Gratitude Postscript

This morning, in direct contrast to yesterday’s debacle (of course), went very smoothly. Boys snuck into bed with me in the middle of the night, but I was able to sneak out at 6am to do my quick workout and they slept through it – phew! The rest of the day has continued in similar fashion. Not necessarily easy, but without a hitch. I’m grateful for that. And I’m grateful for the treasure of unselfconscious little boy laughter coming from down the hall as C gives the boys a bath.

*Just wrapping up a 15-minute meltdown with Little C at the end of the night. He’s sitting on my lap as I type this, exhausted. Talk about a lesson in the importance of emotional regulation – if not, we’re not much better than a stormy 4-year-old… and that’s not pretty. Emotions, big or small, come and go — it’s important to know that we control them, not the other way around. Such an easy concept, so hard to live. [Edit: The tantrum actually lasted for another 40 minutes after I finished the post, just for the record]

Tuesday

What a scramble. Amazing how one morning can run so smoothly, and another feel like a complete disaster. I’m proud of the fact that two days in a row I managed to be in bed before 11pm (asleep is another matter), and fit in a 15-minute workout before starting the day.

Boys joined me for the workout again this morning… which did not work out as well as yesterday. A lot of interruptions and annoyance, and starting the day off on the wrong foot. Little C ended up in a time out before I’d even had my first coffee. Sigh.

I’d like to say it improved from there, but the scramble continues. Getting the boys to do pretty much anything was a huge struggle so we were late for daycare, then I was pulled aside by one of their teachers to chat, so was late to an early conference call – with account people pinging me left & right, and then the expectations for my participation in the call were much higher than I’d planned due to a number of frustrating finger-pointing situations all outside of my control (but extremely high-stress). Unfortunately agency life has taught me that bullying doesn’t disappear after high school.

Deep breaths. Deeeeeeeep breaths. 

Today, I am 100% the Hot Mess Mom. And ya know what, that’s OK.

I used to be this mom every morning*, thanks to alcohol. Staying up too late the night before, waking up sluggish with brain stuck to the side of my head, irritable  and impatient with the boys – which always guaranteed they’d slow down and become more difficult, and pretty much ineffectual until my second cup of coffee – I was always late to daycare, ALWAYS. Sometimes, dropping them off in tears. It was a complete nightmare, and part of the reason I quit.

Life is getting easier these days, for a number of reasons, but quitting has been one of the biggest factors.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to have a stable freelance job right now, even if that means I have moments of stress like today. Overall, it’s a great “perma-lance” job and I enjoy it.

 

*Listening to This Naked Mind’s chapter on the effects of alcohol withdrawal yesterday, this thought really hit home: When we drink heavily, daily, we are in a constant cycle of withdrawal when not drinking. The effects of withdrawal are chronic exhaustion, irritability, rage, and an inability to cope with the daily, common, stressors of life. HOLY SHIT. That was pretty much me on a daily basis. And yes, my life is stressful and anger-inducing at times, guaranteed. But alcohol was only making that much, much worse. And my ability to cope with all of the stress in my life was greatly reduced by something I THOUGHT was helping. How wrong could I have been. 

Here’s an article on some of the highlights from This Naked Mind (by another author), that go into greater depth on alcohol’s effect on the body and mind.

Monday

Not only did I go to bed early last night but I even ended up getting up 45 minutes earlier this morning and fitting in my 15 minute workout before the day started.

Granted, boys also got up early and interrupted it, joining me in the moves to much hilarity, “Mom, why are you wet?” but our morning went so much more smoothly than it typically does after that. I was able to shower, get boys and myself dressed without rushing, even eat a normal breakfast (no cereal bars and shakes on the way out the door today!), and drop them off EARLY, in preparation for an important client presentation.

That went well too, and as I reached the middle of my day, eating a salad and contemplating a new book on meditation, I was starting to feel a little cocky. Man, I’ve got my shit together today! Then I had the thought as I normally do, “just wait, Self, the other shoe is about to drop”.

And it just did. 

After the creative presentation, I marked up my notes on the PDF we reviewed – making sure I captured everything the client said and our own commentary in response, and then Replied-All to the meeting invite… sending the PDF to the agency team AND THE CLIENTS by mistake.

OMG OMG OMG.

The Creative Director pointed it out, asking “Did you mean to send that to the clients?” and I felt my stomach lurch. Immediately ran to his office to wring my hands and apologize. I did so well in the presentation – why did I have to go ruin it with this stupid junior move?! Then, I ran around to the account folks – heading it off at the pass; “I don’t think there was anything incriminating in my comments! I’m so sorry!” And then, back to my desk to double-check.

Turns out, there was nothing all that offensive in my markups, and as far as I can tell no one is that upset, but DAMN. Life wanted to teach me a lesson: don’t think you’ve got it all under control. You don’t. Life is life, and you’re human.

And that’s OKAY.

 

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m feeling very grateful those comments didn’t include anything defamatory about the clients. But now I need chocolate…

Sunday

Crashed and burned off my little zen pedestal of “Wait before you speak” this morning… feeling the stress of a multitude of home and work-related projects that need to get done somehow in my “free time” over the next couple weekends, and launched into C about not wanting to be the primary parent this weekend. This was pretty much the worst thing I could have done if I wanted his help, which was what I needed to ask for, really.

So, after a morning spent at the computer (thanks to his help, in spite of my attitude), I came down to lunch with an apology. The words “Don’t React” on our bedroom mirror are shaming me these days.

The afternoon was filled with a sugar-filled birthday party (do we really need to feed kids huge slices of fondant, candy and cookies for 2 hours to call it a birthday?). Now we’re back home – kids parked in front of the TV while C cooks dinner and I wrap up some work emails.

I can’t say it was that stressful of a day, but man – parties like that leave me feeling the old familiar, Damn I’ve Earned A Drink feeling. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself that I’m not even able to smoke a little pot tonight (staying 100% sober on weeknights as much as possible) when I remembered – I can find other rewards. I can’t believe I’m almost 6 months in and I still need to remind myself of this!

So tonight’s reward is going to be a new Betty Rocker workout, as I join a friend in a body-weight workout challenge over the next 30 days, followed by a little Netflix, hopefully meditation, then bed at an early hour.

Ya hear that, Self? EARLY HOUR.

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Gratitude Postscript

Feeling grateful for a good workout plan right now. Just finished the 1st day and am hopeful about doing this for 30 days… even might try getting up a 1/2 hr early and fitting this in before boys wake up. Fingers crossed!

Saturday

Today’s theme was mind-body connection.

After talking at length about the tie between physical and mental pain with my good friend S at boys’ gymnastics class, we headed over to a restful but long 1.5hr yoga class where the focus was on aligning our minds with our bodies. 

The instructor ended the class with the thought, “Yoga helps our bodies become strong and flexible, but ultimately it is a practice of the mind.”

When I stop and listen, my life is trying to tell me to slow down and pay more attention to my body’s reaction to things, and to take heed of my emotions as well. Alcohol was so good at separating mind from body that I’m realizing I’m not good at this. I used to think drinking was only affecting my physical health. I had no idea the extent to which it was affecting the rest of my life and my essential Self. 

The body’s physical response to life can tell us so much, as can our emotions if we care to listen. But that takes awareness, patience, mindfulness… all of which require one to STOP, PAUSE, BREATHE.

I have a tiny slip of paper posted to the dash in my car, with an acronym that I find helpful to read over and over: S.O.B.E.R

• Stop
• Observe
• Breathe
• Expand
• Respond mindfully

Now, all I need is to actually DO IT.

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Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for my friendship with S – our conversation this morning was as good as any therapy session. She is one of the few people in my life who really GET IT right now. I’m also grateful for learning how to be more in tune with myself.