Morning yoga alignment, then fun times with the boys (picnic lunch is always a hit), then planted veggies and herbs in the garden and mowed the lawn. Now… I’m showered up before supper. All in all, a well-rounded Saturday. I’ve got that zen relax from all the exercise and outdoor time, and almost… almost… wanted a glass of chill chardonnay to call this moment perfect.
Then I reached for a La Croix, ice and a slice of lemon and didn’t miss the wine for more than a second.
Grateful for so much today: the boys have been a delight, C has been in a good mood – last night’s “road pop” didn’t turn into a late night problem, chores done together with the boys (!!!) who helped out, and even fit an awesome yoga class in.
I found myself feeling a deep hopefulness while mowing the lawn – in the past, a time often spent ruminating about the state of my marriage. There is something about watching the seasons come and go, the death and decay of winter being replaced by the slow but sure greening and growth of spring, that helps remind me that nothing is for forever. Even in the periods of our life where it feels like everything is destroyed, dead, or dormant, change is happening underground and before you know it, a season of life will spring up.
What a week. I’m about to sign out from work and head home, looking forward to spending the evening with my family.
Grateful for the lack of personal investment I currently feel at work, where stress balls of impossible deadlines, angry client expectations, and “we’re gonna need to work the weekend” conversations are flying around. I just keep ducking my head, in spite of my Ego which keeps wanting to fix it all.
I’ve done my part, and now am headed home for the more important stuff. It’s been a couple weeks, so I’m looking forward to smoking a little after the kids go to bed – maybe C will even join me. Usually, when we do, the conversation is more connected than usual.
I’ll have to unpack that thought later…the boys are calling.
PM Update:
Well, I’d forgotten that C had a concert gig in NY tonight. It was nice to see him briefly before he headed out the door, beer in hand. Yes, he took a “roadie”. Did I freak out on him a little bit? Yes, yes I did. Might have even called him “Bud”, which I only ever use with the boys.
..but then, headed in to do baths and bedtime with the little boys (after chasing them around the yard a few times). If he has an accident tonight, my last words to him were “Please be safe on your drive home!!” given with a glare of death. Maybe I should have added an “I love you” too.
No big thoughts today, just an appreciation for what’s going on around me right now.
It’s 70 degrees and sunny outside.
The first thing I did this morning was reroute my usual coffee-meditation-yell at the kids to stay in bed until the clock turns green routine, by snuggling with W in his bed… one of those mommy intuition things, and I knew instantly that I’d made the right decision as he sighed deeply and snuggled into me. I’m grateful that I made that decision, always so hard for me to slow down or deviate from my plans.
I’m grateful to be working from home in my dirty sweats (having gotten a kickboxing class in this morning, no shower since because Why?), and in spite of the busy workload, feeling rather relaxed and chill – knowing it will all get done.
The gardens, grass and trees are budding out and looking especially green, while the front tulips are still putting on a killer show in their red lace.
We met with the boys PreK teachers this morning and it went well. W’s behavioral evaluation is next Tuesday and things are lining up for that too.
Somehow in the midst of today’s juggling, I fit groceries in. I’m grateful for the awesome salad I had for lunch and for the dark chocolate nut butter cup I’m about to eat.
And I’m grateful that C and I had a heart-to-heart a couple nights ago that cleared the air and opened better communication between us.
We even talked about his drinking. I saw an opening to ask, “Do you ever wonder if you might have a problem?” and his answer was, “I think about it every day.” After a lot of conversation about it, my understanding is that he is aware and not particularly happy about the situation, but not seeing his way to doing anything about it now or in the near future. And even if he were to take a month off, he says he’d always return to having a cocktail “every now and then”.
I didn’t ask him to quit and the entire conversation was very civil. We ended the evening with a warm hug.
Maybe that, more than anything, is what is buoying my mood right now – it’s like the dark cloud that was hanging over us has passed, and the blue sky that was always there is now open above us.
Hope. What a magical thing.
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Hyperbole and a Half: This is Why I’ll Never Be an Adult
Wednesday
I’m grumpy. It’s almost 10pm and I’m starting a second work shift which I’m not happy about. Today and tomorrow are busy days with not enough time to do All the Things, so I’m stressing.
Proud that I didn’t let it affect baths and bedtime with the boys, a process that can often get on my last nerve after a day like today. But I stayed calm and for the most part, bedtime was pleasant.
Now, having just finished dinner and a few minutes of relaxing, I’m back on the computer and just signed on here to say – Still Sober!
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
Bear with me for another one of my philosophical metaphors.
I was reflecting this morning on an unpleasant conversation with C yesterday. Having worked through the anger last night after he went to bed, I was mulling over how I could have reacted differently, handled it better, expressed myself more clearly knowing what I know about my husband and the way he hears things. Then I set it to the back of the brain pan and started into a strenuous work day.
Now, mid-day, I’m realizing that I’ve bounced back more quickly than I used to…Not that anything has been solved or resolved but my resiliency has improved, I think.
In another area of my life, I’ve noted an increased resiliency after strain: my joints. I credit the cleaner diet together with consistent exercise and stretching.
So of course I’m going to try to draw parallels.
Is it possible that strain and stress, basically “working out” physically or mentally, increases resilience? What does that mean for relationships? Maybe all the pain and angst of life can, if you choose to allow it, change you in positive ways.
Back, and still sober! This weekend was exhaustingly, wonderfully full, leaving me wrung out at the end of both days. Between that and the fact that last week was an off-track week for me in a number of ways, I didn’t get around to posting.
This week, I’m planning to be back on track 100%.
In spite of the wrinkle in usual routine though, I stayed on the wagon through the boozy Cinco de Mayo party and even, dare I say, enjoyed it MORE than usual.
I’m beginning to realize that alcohol did NOT calm me down or help me socialize with more ease. My memories of this event involve loud, obnoxious conversations with friends, interspersed with panicked moments of wondering where my kids were (always close by, but hard to track in a packed house and yard). It’s been interesting having these Firsts – and experiencing flash-backs while talking with people. “Hmm this time last year, I was yelling in her ear about my own personal problems, having no idea how badly that made me look” or “I would have been on my 3rd or 4th drink by now, and my social skills would be slowly slipping as I awkwardly made my way around the party”.
Sure, I would have become more animated and touchy-feely when drinking. But I remember the awkwardness, the interrupting people, talking loudly over the top of others, not knowing the best way to connect, more than anything.
I’m noticing a couple differences between Sober Me and Drinking Me that are neither good nor bad. I’m quieter, keep more of my problems to myself, sometimes feel shy or withdrawn in social settings – more than I did before. And I’m less hug-y. Still figuring out the appropriate personal boundaries now that alcohol isn’t a factor in lowering them.
Grateful to all of my friends who push past the quietness and reluctance to embrace me warmly and open themselves up to conversation.
In preparation for Cinco de Mayo (which of course is a recognized agency holiday), work is throwing a little late-afternoon booze fest starting in a few minutes. I just walked by the line-up of tequila and beer on my way back from a meeting.
In the past, I would have relished this opportunity to start drinking sooner – on the company dime, nonetheless… and would have the driven long commute driven with a slight buzz on, looking to instantly dose myself when I got in the door to keep that buzz going.
I don’t miss that compulsion, or even the slight break (somewhat false, as the work is always still there). I almost typed out how much I prefer a sober mind, and then realized how hypocritical that is when I’m looking forward to smoking pot this weekend. Ha!
Maybe to clarify, I can offer that I prefer a sober mind at work and at home, when family responsibilities require it. When the kids are in bed, and it’s Saturday night? Another story… at least for now.
Looking ahead at a boozy weekend as well – another Cinco party tomorrow hosted by our well-connected friends. It’s always a big drinking affair, but this time around I’m looking forward to bringing a refreshing seltzer drink to share along with our other food offerings.
In the office today and headed out to a happy hour at the moment. I thought I’d sign in quickly before diving into the celebrations (team completion of a big project). I think this will be my first work happy hour at a bar since quitting, and for that as well as other reasons, I plan to keep it short.
The agency I’m working at now is in the same office park as another agency I worked at for 5 years – so the bar scene around here is familiar, and we’re headed to the local favorite. I’m thinking I’ll grab a seltzer with lime – and honestly, I’m looking forward to avoiding the sugar-alcohol combo of this place’s house margaritas served in massive bowl-sized glasses.
Grateful for being back on track with exercise, meditation and clean eating… I feel so much better today than I did after the weekend. Grateful for healthy, happy kids, for their relationship with C (indicated by how much they missed him last night while he was out), and for a somewhat relaxing evening ahead.
Thanks to C’s work schedule I’m working from home again today, and am grateful for the slow return to work. Kids need to be picked up shortly, and tonight I’m on my own while C attends a show in NY for work so I’m here to cram a few thoughts in.
While traveling, I continued my personal research into the science behind fasting (had anyone conducted a study using human data as opposed to mice? etc) and found myself pondering the philosophical meaning behind deprivation.
In our developed world, we have an increasing amount of ways to fill the void – exponential access to news & entertainment, food of all varieties, social media, drugs both legal and non, robotic shopping assistants etc etc etc. There is no end to ways in which we might satisfy a craving, scratch an itch, feed our internal hunger, find fulfillment even.
But what if the truer road to happiness were in depriving ourselves of all this excess?
Finding our way back to our most basic selves, our center – the core of our being striped of artifice… in the search for real health.
The idea behind fasting is that when the body is deprived of food, it begins a process of purification – getting rid of the bad cells and making more of the good. I’m completely over-simplifying it but philosophically – what if the same were true of a more holistic deprivation?
My SIL sent me an article today that fits nicely into this idea of returning to basics, cleansing, giving ourselves a rest. The woman featured describes her journey toward a healthier way of being, stress being the initial catalyst:
The physical awareness she found through yoga is, she says, what brought her to cold-pressed juicing. “It allowed my digestive system to get a little rest,” she says. “I think today we generally need rest from a lot of things.”
I’m (mostly) back! It’ll take a few days to acclimate into our wonderful mix of chaos and structure here in NJ, but I’m glad to be back.
First sober festival attendance: CHECK
In the few minutes I have before the evening crazy begins, I’ll try to recap the weekend from a sobriety point-of-view.
The first evening after flying into Cincinnati, I joined my brother and his family while they hosted his lab’s post-docs and grad students for an informal taco dinner. Tired from two days of travel and feeling like lounging in my sweats while catching up with my brother, I wasn’t quite prepared to be social and engaged. As those around me grabbed glasses of wine (“You want a glass? No thanks, just water is fine”), I worked on asking questions and really listening.
In the past, I would have been preoccupied with the impression I thought I was giving the room – trying to be bubbly, funny, engaging, and smart… rushing to comment on conversation topics, talking loudly, laughing more than was necessary.
While others may not have noticed, this time I found I was OK taking a back seat, staying quiet, under-sharing rather than over-sharing. This ended up being true for the weekend in general.
Saturday and Sunday were sunny days full of music and touring Cincy with my brother, getting to see his new workplace and their new home. While others in our group kept a steady dose of beer going, I stuck with water and barely missed it. The only times it felt a bit awkward were the happy “Cheers!!!” that kept happening. Empty-fisted me would just give a smile and thumbs up.
Sunday and Monday mornings were happily regret-free, as I joined my niece and nephew for early AM breakfast without the hangover residue. And I flew out yesterday knowing that my memories of the weekend were intact.
Overall, while it was a different experience from previous festivals, I can’t say I missed the booze much. The few moments when I did were either the chilly evenings where a buzz might have helped warm me up, or social settings where I felt awkward without a drink in my hand. Both situations were easy to talk myself out of, and the rewards were immediate.
Proud of myself!
Now, back to the daily grind and hopefully back into a healthier eating/exercising pattern. While I may not have ended the weekend hungover and exhausted, my gut biome and muscles are not happy with the disruption in routine.
Side note: one thing I have noticed since quitting (and maybe thanks in part to all the healthy lifestyle tweaking) – I’m more body-aware, less caught up in my head. Grateful for this shift.
