We got around 12-18″ overnight and today and it is BEAUTIFUL! Really perfect snow, a little fluffy but sticky enough to build snowmen at some point. Probably would make great skiing.
And it also meant that the boys were out of school, and working from home was a complete juggling act. Without fail during conference calls, whatever distraction method I’d figured out for them would stop working and they’d start shrieking “MOM” or making toot noises to be funny. Thank god I work with others who understand.
Now that part of the day is over, and I’m headed into an evening of more freelance, some reading, a short meditation, shower then bed. I can already see how the meditation will help and am excited to put the time in.
I feel a shift happening internally. Another one of those commonsense epiphanies.
If you don’t like the way you feel, choose to feel differently.
I know that sounds overly simplistic, and relatively impossible. I know for me, hearing advice like this normally sends me into a rage. But that’s the shift that’s happening.
Specifically, I’m realizing that I don’t like the way I feel toward my husband. I’m angry a lot, and negative, and upset, and hurt. And I’m tired of feeling that way. Regardless of whether he has done things to justify these feelings (intentionally or not), I just really don’t want to feel this way anymore.
So I’m trying to move forward in a more positive, happy place, inside myself – for my own sake. Not to prove anything to him, or cheer him up, or be the bigger person or anything like that. Just for myself and my own happiness.
We’ll see how well I’m able to adopt this mental shift. Hopefully, the meditation and clarity that comes from sobriety will help.
I know a year ago, this internal shift would have been impossible for me to imagine, let alone try to implement.
Guess my head is still on vacation – I went to type the day and was SURE it was Tuesday – then had to correct it.
Maybe it’s the break from routine or the evenings smoking pot, but at the end of this vacation I’m finding myself in a sad slump regarding the decision to quit. It’s feeling so final, so stark right now.
I’ve heard it’s normal to go through these phases, the grief of saying goodbye to something that you depended on so dearly, your friend in the good times and bad. But then I need to remind myself that there were fewer and fewer good times and more and more bad, thanks to that “friend”.
Like an abusive boyfriend, there is this desire to justify or ignore the negative especially when it hasn’t happened in awhile.
I just spoke with a close friend this morning about learning meditation, and speaking from years of experience (they meditate 45 mins/day), they talked about the point where the brain just gives up and gives in to the meditation – and is finally at peace. What a wonderful feeling that is. A kind of nirvana.
I want that so much.
So I’m going to keep on keeping on, and hope that between the quitting and the meditation, at some point in the future, I’ll find that place inside myself.
I promise I won’t write about the latest juice today. I know how annoying those juicing/yoga/exercise people can be whenever they find a new craze. OMG – is that me? I hope to God not.
Today was my last day off, and with boys in daycare, it was heaven.
Can’t say my intention to slow down affected the day much, I’ve been running around like mad – just stopping now to find something on the computer before heading to therapy.
Over the last few days, percolating in the back of my mind, I’ve been working through thoughts on the last year and hopes/intentions/resolutions for the new year. This past year’s success with the Post-it note list has inspired me to take on 2018 in similar style. My love of checking things off a list apparently works for more than the day-to-day, who knew?
So although I’ve been in a bit of slump in the last couple weeks (or maybe BECAUSE I’ve been in a slump), I’m putting pen to paper and making some commitments.
The More/Less list is helpful, as is a list of questions my SIL sent over today.
For now, I’ll share a few of the top intentions.
MORE:
meditation
mindfulness/control over emotions
exercise/self-care
loving myself
sleep
LESS:
busy-ness/overloading myself
worrying about what others think
pot
social media
online spending
Reflections for the New Year:
What was one of the moments I was most proud of this year? What does that tell me about what I want to spend my energy/time/money on next year?
Who really enriched my life this year in a big way? Who is someone I am wanting to get to know better in the year ahead?
It was a year of resistance for many people. What did I resist most effectively? What did I surrender to?
Whom did I feel most jealous of this year? What is that person up to that I want to bring more of into my own life?
When was I most physically joyful in 2017? How can I get there more in 2018?
What is one question that you found yourself asking over and over again this year? What version of an answer are you living your way into?
And finally: What makes me despair and what gives me hope right now?
Still feeling a bit blue about the idea of not drinking, ever again. Guess it comes in waves. But it’s been nice to be hangover-free today! C even said he was jealous when I brought it up – feeling a bit of a head himself.
I don’t miss the hangovers, the mental confusion (should I have written that work email? Why did I text them that? I know I remembered something important last night but *what*?), the guilt and shame, the lack of control.
Hoping to leave some of this negative energy behind and fill its vacuum with healthy, positive energy.
Another great day with the boys, filled with exciting new things like buying crickets to drive our bug racer, making banana bread together, and trying out a new juice with the two of them providing ingredient suggestions. Citrus Zinger ingredients below (turned out amazing!):
6 oranges
6 large carrots
1 yellow squash
1 lemon
6-8 strawberries
1 medium ginger root
The day has been one in a series of vacation days, so much so that I totally forgot it was New Years Eve. I even made plans to work out tonight, not thinking that the gym would be closed. Big C and I have no plans – happily so. The idea of getting dressed up, going out in this bitter cold and being surrounded by people getting drunk is not my idea of fun. Getting older? Possibly. Getting wiser? Definitely.
So tonight will be spent home, maybe a fire to make us feel special, and fingers crossed – maybe even a little quality conversation. C’s downstairs now making a special NYE dinner (shrimp for starters, roast beef, risotto, mushrooms, and sautéed spinach), and I’m up here on the computer lining up some 2018 freelance items and contemplating resolutions for the new year. Lucky me, right?
The main focus is on slowing down and centering myself, with meditation top on the list. Sleep is a close second. Reading more, playing piano more, and yoga are all on the list. Cutting back on the weed, eating healthier (more juice!), and continuing to work on myself, physically and mentally, are as well.
A big project I know I need to work on more is focusing on my own issues more than on my husband’s. I can’t tell you how often in the last few months I have ruminated away over an issue, presumably his, that is making my life miserable, only to realize that I have that same issue – and maybe, just maybe, the real problem is with me – not him. Or at the very least, I’m more upset by the issue because I also struggle with it.
Lots to think about, work on, and reward myself with in the new year.
A day well spent at the Lincoln Science Center, enjoying a family membership gifted by my brother. I haven’t worked out since the Thursday before the holiday when I unintentionally boxed my knuckles into a bruised mess, but the boys are keeping me running, and today – although I was planning on working out tonight – I’m feeling spent.
I must admit, my brain has been on a bit of a hiatus as well. I’m sure the uptick in evening smoke sessions has a little to do with it.
I guess that’s what the holidays are for, right? Rest. celebration. Loss of self-restraint.
Of course I’m not proud and also not happy with the way it makes me feel, physically. But I’m enjoying the break from the usual pace and will be refreshing my resolutions in the New Year like the rest of humanity.
Speaking of which, I’m super psyched. Husband bought me a fancy juicer for Christmas and I immediately went out and purchased way too much produce. First successful juice attempt DOWN. Recipe for the refreshing, not-too-sweet, juice below:
Wow. The whole week’s gone by in a flash. Apologies that I didn’t keep up with this! We were out of town, and I took advantage of being unplugged – not touching a computer once. Saturday was a blur of travel to chilly Upstate NY, then Christmas Eve excitement followed by the wonderful Christmas chaos experienced through the eyes of two three-year-olds. Then, we settled into a vacation from the normal adrenalin-fueled pace, thanks to Nana’s planned-out schedule of fun, and grandparents willing to babysit.
Thoughts of alcohol were sprinkled throughout.
The worst moment was probably on our date night. We’d picked out a hip, upscale restaurant to visit, and checked out the menu in advance. With so many tasty gourmet cocktails and craft beer selections, the realization that trying new drinks was NOT going to be part of the experience was difficult. It was hard in the anticipation of the date, and even harder at the restaurant.
After a bit of thought I realized, I don’t know that I’ve ever been on a dinner date as a drinking-aged adult, without drinking. Incredible and kind of sad, really.
But certainly with C, I’m 99.9% positive I’d always had something to drink on every one of our dates until this one (minus pregnancy of course).
So I ordered a “non-sweet Mocktail, bartender’s choice” and received a refreshing and unique ginger/lime concoction, which I enjoyed twice. It wasn’t the same as C’s Manhattan, or red wine with dinner, or beer & bourbon post-meal, and I didn’t catch a warm buzz over the romantic candlelight.
But I did enjoy staying sober and in control of my emotions, able to communicate well with C (lately, our rare dates have devolved into nasty arguments as the alcohol freed our tongues), while watching him become more inebriated as the evening wore on. There were some beautiful shared moments that I tried to enjoy, knowing that he would probably not remember them, and that his romantic gestures were amplified or distorted by the alcohol so unfortunately discounted, but in spite of that – our time together went well. And I was glad to be able to drive home over icy roads without concern. Waking up during the night with the boys, and then in the morning at 6:40am was so much easier without the hangover.
The whole trip was easier without the holiday hangovers. Even though my family doesn’t drink much (in fact, was *I* the only one drinking to excess most of the time??), I did have to make a conscious choice not to drink over the Christmas meal and at other moments where people were enjoying beers in the evenings.
My mom, knowing that I’d quit, had alternatives on-hand, and although I’m not much of a soda drinker, I enjoyed a few blood orange Pellegrinos.
Beyond date-night, the other difficult moment came when we arrived back home yesterday after a strenuous frenzy of packing and long 6hr drive. Usually, I would have immediately, I mean even before unpacking the car, made both of us a “take-the-edge-off, we-deserve-this” stiff G&T – probably the equivalent of 3 drinks in a glass. Mostly gin, a splash of tonic, that we would then drink while unpacking and setting up dinner. The brain would melt as we instantly caught a buzz, and suddenly the evening would be bright again.
C did this, of course. But I was left with my post-holiday, post-trip blues, a car to unpack, two kids running ramshackle through the house after being cooped up all day, and dinner to assemble. Who knew it could be such a struggle?!
It took me by total surprise though I should have known it would happen. I guess I wasn’t ready for how much I’d depended on that cocktail to “fix” the way I felt after that drive. And now, I’m left wondering why exactly I feel so desperate in that moment. Is it the let-down of the holiday gone past? Missing family left so far away? The stress of packing and driving with the kids? Probably some mix of all of the above.
But I resisted, and am now headed into a new year with one more holiday hurdle under my belt.
As the wrapping and packing and baking and holiday-making is happening, I’m realizing that I’m not as prepared to be alcohol-free this holiday as I was for Thanksgiving. No AF drinks, no thoughts about what to say or do when I feel stuck, no real thinking about it at all.
I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not, but I know I’m starting to feel unprepared. Thankfully, we’re visiting my side of the family for this holiday, and they don’t drink much. My sister, who would normally join me for a wine or beer, is pregnant right now. And my two brothers who would probably be disappointed I wouldn’t be joining them for a late night bourbon and drunk-y chat are not going to be in town. My folks are essentially teetotalers.
Uncle T is a bit of a lush, but that won’t be tempting (although his wine choices may be) and his wife and kids are generally disapproving and abstain. So, now that I’ve talked through it, maybe I’ll be fine.
I’ve cut back on the fancy AF drinks lately – got a little tired of the Kombucha, and found some pricey cold-pressed juices I like a lot but don’t have the $$ for on a regular basis. In the evening, to decompress, my recent go-to has been decaf tea. Occasionally, with a toasted english muffin and honey.
Lost today’s post into the ether, so this is gonna be short.
Had a major urge today, after coming downstairs from my final day at work before the holiday. There was a real sense of celebration and relief, and just as I was arriving in the kitchen, C was opening a bottle of wine.
Although I didn’t even look to see what kind, I immediately WANTED A GLASS.
I mean, I’d earned it for damn sure. And what better way to kick off the holidays than with a nice glass of wine. Chill out, relax with the kids, enjoy a nice dinner while sipping away, right?
Can’t believe how strong the urge was.
But I made it through, mainly with distraction and the promise of a puff tonight before tackling the mountain of present-wrapping and other Christmas magic that needs to happen.
Still leaning on that crutch, but I made it through.
Today was my last day in the office before the break, so there were a lot of Merry Christmases and Happy Holidays, and a small gift exchange with a good friend. She was touched by the gift and as we chatted, I found myself opening up about quitting, and why, and how it’s affected me and going on and on until I felt a bit embarrassed.
She, of course, being the wonderful person she is, was open and appreciative about all of it – even sharing her own attempts to cut back and thoughts on the reasons why she drinks, especially during the holidays.
As I drove home, I went back over what I’d said and how much gushing I’d done about CONNECTION… and then it hit me.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve felt disconnected from the world around me. Apart. A loner, who no one really understood. Not part of a “tribe” or a group, often fighting against settings where I had to be part of a team or a club. At times, I’ve embraced this and at others, I’ve questioned why. What is wrong with me that I can’t connect?
And now? That part of me is still there, but I feel like I’m growing out of it. Or at least more aware of the reason Why.
