Author: AnonAlcoholic

Wednesday

Meeting my friends K & K out for dinner tonight, can’t wait. We’ve met a couple times now since I quit drinking, so there won’t be the need to explain anything. And I’m looking forward to catching up with them, to really hearing how they’re doing and maybe sharing a bit about me too. Grateful to be in a pretty good place overall, in spite of the usual ups and downs of life – and I attribute that to a more resilient headspace rather than the circumstances around me.

I will admit that the thought of enjoying a glass of wine with the girls passed briefly through my head. But sparkling water will be a decent substitute.

And in the end, honestly, it’s more about being in the company of good friends than it is about what’s in the glass… although at least in my experience, sparkling water will enhance the evening more than wine would. The conversation will be more connected, my memory of the evening more detailed, the post-dinner drive home safer, and the night more relaxed overall.

Grateful for good friends who seek each other out for the occasional dinner, for a husband who will be home putting boys to bed on his own – without complaint, for an unexpected grace period given at work today that allows me an evening free, and for the pink cloud headspace I find myself in today.

Tuesday

So. Online shopping addiction. Let’s talk about it.

Honestly, I’ve been avoiding bringing this up because it’s not something I’m proud of – and it indicates that after all these months and hard work, I’m still struggling. But it hasn’t been getting better so I’m going to bring it out into the open.

I have a bit of an online shopping addiction.

And of course, all sorts of justifications to go along with it: I mainly use an online consignment store, so the prices are very low, plus I recycle my clothes back into it so I get $$ back (albeit not enough to balance what I spend). I try to limit shoe purchases to less than 6 pairs/year (and I know some of you are gasping at this right now…). I don’t spend over $200 in one shot, and I try to limit my monthly spending to a certain budget. I like to tell myself that if I were going to my favorite brick & mortar stores, I’d be spending more. But I’m not sure that’s true.

“Retail therapy” had always been a go-to for that little punch of happiness but now since quitting alcohol, I’m seeing a uptick in my purchases. Even if it’s little stuff from Amazon like books for the boys or kitchen tools that we really need, I seem to need to be constantly purchasing stuff. 

This morning, I participated in an agonizingly stressful conference call where I was put on the spot and required to commit to doing something for work that I’m not at all happy about. What did I do right after the call? Purchase a new pair of sandals.

I decided to start tracking it and cutting back. This is the first month and it is as bad as I thought.

I’m trying, and at least I’m more aware of it now. Plus, I’ve started bi-monthly sessions with a new therapist so maybe we’ll address that as well as the rest of my personal issues… but for today, I’m just sharing, in case it helps anyone out there know  – shit isn’t perfect around here.

5 Common Substitute Addictions and How to Avoid Them

Monday

Phoning it in after a long day back at work. I read this in an email newsletter today, and it resonated so I’m sharing here, no additional thoughts or commentary:

The answer to control is practicing surrender.

Trying to maintain control in this life is a bit like trying to maintain control on a roller coaster. The ride has its own logic and is going to go its own way, regardless of how tightly you grip the bar. There is a thrill and a power in simply surrendering to the ride and fully feeling the ups and downs of it, letting the curves take you rather than fighting them. When you fight the ride, resisting what’s happening at every turn, your whole being becomes tense and anxiety is your close companion. When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise.

As with so many seemingly simple things in life, it is not always easy to let go, even of the things we know we can’t control. Most of us feel a great discomfort with the givens of this life, one of which is the fact that much of the time we have no control over what happens. Sometimes this awareness comes only when we have a stark encounter with this fact, and all our attempts to be in control are revealed to be unnecessary burdens. We can also cultivate this awareness in ourselves gently, by simply making surrender a daily practice. At the end of our meditation, we might bow, saying, “I surrender to this life.” This simple mantra can be repeated as necessary throughout the day, when we find ourselves metaphorically gripping the safety bar.

We can give in to our fear and anxiety, or we can surrender to this great mystery with courage. When we see people on a roller coaster, we see that there are those with their faces tight with fear and then there are those that smile broadly, with their hands in the air, carried through the ride on a wave of freedom and joy. This powerful image reminds us that often the only control we have is choosing how we are going to respond to the ride.

Sunday

For no real reason, C’s glass of dinner-time pinot noir has looked really, really tempting yesterday and today. The visceral pull, where I just wanted to grab the glass and take a sniff, then a sip.

While clearing up, I did take a sniff… and it did smell good. All the delicious complexities, the layers of fruit and flower, the familiar smell of that particular shade of ruby.

Where to go with that? No where.

It wasn’t the buzz I was missing, it was the taste. At least I think that’s what it was. Of course, it’s so hard to tweeze apart when addiction plays a role in the memories and choices we make.

Back to my La Croix and online shopping addiction* while C gives the boys a bath.

*Post on this coming soon… 

 

Saturday

A quick thought for a rainy Saturday.

When I drank, it was a method of coping with the discomfort of life’s stresses. I had other methods of avoidance as well. During the day: my phone (even in the car, I am embarrassed to admit), Facebook, online shopping, reading, listening to music/podcasts, anything to distract from the messy, prickly space inside my own mind. Of course at the time, I would have pointed to everything outside of myself for the reasons why I was stressed, upset, angry, sad. Little did I know that it came from within.

Although it was not a conscious part of why I quit drinking, I’m now realizing that the space inside my mind is becoming a more comfortable place to be.

And through sobriety, exercise, rest, meditation and an awareness of the distance between my thoughts and my Self, I’m creating that space intentionally.

No longer avoidance, but acceptance.

As I start sketches of a crows-nest treehouse for the boys, I’m imagining it filled with soft pillows, covered by petals of fabric, open to the trees and sky above… a quiet, safe place away from the usual routine of life. Similar to the goal I have for my mind.

Friday

On a bit of a learning curve today… in search of answers after the last two days of tough interactions with C.

I’m slowly becoming aware that I’m a (recovering) people-pleaser, and having learned that this may have something to do with my upbringing, I am determined not to do the same thing to our boys.

I’ll give a recent example – one that doesn’t really make either of us look bad – just a function of working together as a team. Work approached me with a request that I travel to NC again for an important meeting. This time, for 3 days, not 1.

Initially, C was very resistant to the idea – for a number of valid reasons.

After getting past his anger at my request, we brainstormed other possibilities (getting a sitter to stay over night, having my mom travel down to be at home with the kids, looking into a video conferencing option out of Philly, telling work I couldn’t do it and they needed to find another person etc etc).

In the end, after eliminating most of these alternative options, C told me it was OK with him if I went. Through this whole process, he had been less than happy about the idea so I asked him if he was going to be upset if I went.

I really wanted him to tell me he wouldn’t be angry or hold it against me; that in the end, he saw that the benefit outweighed the cost and actually wanted me to go. I wanted him to be happy about it before I made the final decision. I wanted to please him.

I was allowing his mindset to determine my decision.

But I can’t control his mindset. Nor is it my responsibility. If I’m confident that I’m doing nothing wrong, that my intentions are pure, how he reacts to the decision is HIS responsibility, not mine.

Here comes the rub, though.

If he’s angry about it or holds it against me in the future, that negatively affects me. And THIS is where the people-pleasing becomes toxic.

I need to learn better how to set boundaries, so that I’m not as hurt by these behaviors or take them to heart so seriously. If I’m confident that his negative opinions of me are inaccurate – then I need to dismiss them instead of absorbing them so completely.

And this involves growing a stronger sense of Self. A project that has only started emerging since I quit drinking.

Cheers to that.

 

 

Wednesday

I think I need to redo the meditation sessions on Anger. Struggling with communication today. You ever feel like you’re speaking a different language from another person? You might both be speaking English, but neither of you are understanding the other.

How does this happen with those closest to us? We form such rigid opinions of the other person, we tell ourselves the same stories over and over, and then can’t get outside of that mental loop to actually see and hear that person. I’m guilty of it, and I also feel the isolation that comes from feeling misunderstood.

No answers for now, except that I know the only way forward is to work on what I have control over: myself and my reactions to life.

Tonight’s task on the commute home be to tease out which portion of the current mess is my responsibility, and which is the other person’s. The line between myself and others is one that has been rather gray until recently. Still figuring that out.

Onward.

Tuesday

No work today, but it was a full one. Little W had a behavioral evaluation that C and I attended. It went well and confirmed our parental instincts that all is fine, although our current preK environment is not ideal for W. C and I worked well as a team and I’m proud of us.

As I’d taken the day off for this, I filled my afternoon with appointments and am now rolling in the door to two crazy kiddos home from daycare and C grilling some salmon.

Do I know I’m spoiled? Yes.

Does a glass of chilled chardonnay sound nice after running around all day, and after the relieving outcome from W’s evaluation? Yes.

Would that make anything better? Maybe for a 1/2 hr in the pre-dinner glow, as C and I congratulate ourselves on today while the kids watch a little TV. But not afterwards, during the evening crazy and the late evening compulsion to “keep the buzz going”, which always turns into the middle of the night “oh shit, why did I have that last drink?!” and the too-early morning regret.

So I’m headed down to help with dinner prep and maybe pour myself a sparkling water with ice as a treat.

Monday

I took Mother’s Day off from anything except family and fun. An exciting (and exhausting) visit to the Lincoln Science Center followed by a mani/pedi during the boy’s nap, and then making a giant bubble recipe and trying it out with the boys (grand success!). All in all, it was a wonderful weekend.

Now, it’s back to the Crazy, and this all-over-the-map post follows suit.

Today’s work day included two opportunities to drink: a wedding shower and a company-wide meeting with some special announcements. As a freelancer, I’m skipping the last one (giving me the chance to write this – ha!), but at the first celebration, I was the only one not raising a glass to toast, as there wasn’t a non-alcoholic option around. Maybe at some point I’ll be fine joining in just for appearance’s sake, but not this time.

Another update on the alcohol front: C only had one cocktail prior to our Family Meeting last night, which I remarked on – grateful that he’d stayed somewhat sober. And the meeting went well! More sharing, less directing.

This morning’s meditation is providing background throughout the day – the simple concept that happiness involves empathy, because through empathy we are connected to others, and connection brings happiness. Disconnection or isolation creates unhappiness.

This isn’t a new thought, but just a slightly different way of looking at it, for me. 

I’ve struggled with having empathy for the non-empaths in my life (“how can they not understand how that makes others feel?!! how can they be so blind?!”), but this simple thought allows me to see how lonely that position must feel.

I think the Lone Wolf concept is idealized, especially for men. All you have to do is look to Hollywood for examples (James Bond, the Bourne series, Sherlock Holmes the list goes on… one man, acting alone, solves the mystery, rights the wrong, saves the world). 

But in the end, isolation is bad for us. And alcohol plays a big part in that, telling us that it’s providing the solace from the hardships of life, while we slowly drift away from those people closest to us and the connections through which we might actually find solace.

The re-connection I felt with those around me just in the first few months of quitting was astonishing, almost embarrassing. Had I been this out of touch?

But now, another meeting notice is pinging…back to work – today’s pondering moved to the back shelf again.