Category: Uncategorized

Tuesday

Procrastination station over here… I should be working on a book cover design, but it’s a tough project so I’m here instead. 

All this healthy living has me learning a life lesson I should have learned years and years ago (add it to the list of growing experiences I’m having only now, after quitting – and am playing catch up with the grown-ups around me): 

As much as we may live in our minds, our bodies have a big influence on our mental state. And our bodies are machines: what we fuel them with, and how we treat them (sleep, exercise, sunshine etc) makes a huge difference in how we feel. The mind-body connection is obvious, and I knew that already, but feeling and seeing it in action is another thing entirely. 

Small example: today, I haven’t exercised or eaten anything green yet today. Pizza for lunch is sitting like a brick in my stomach and I’m feeling rather dreary and lethargic. Last night’s sleep was interrupted by boys in our bed from 2am on, kicking my back and fussing occasionally. And this mood, which in the past I might have attributed to the stress of work or the depletion of spending time with two energetic 4yos, I can now blame almost 100% on my body’s physical condition.

Knowing that is really freeing for me, a person who tends to get caught up in her thoughts – as though they are more reality than the reality in front of me. 

And knowing that, I have a tool. Tonight, I plan to find a way to work out, eat a big old salad for dinner – maybe with some fish, and get to bed early. Mood lifted already – just in anticipation.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for another fun morning with the boys (aquarium visit with a fellow mom friend & her two young kids). I’m grateful that today has been going like clockwork, appointments, nap time, freelance etc. I’m grateful C seems to be in a good mood. And I’m grateful that my sister is doing so well after delivering E, our family’s newest member.

 

Monday

My sister just had a baby today! After driving herself to the hospital in active labor (bad ass woman that she is), she’s popped out an almost 9lb baby boy and I could not be more excited.

No other news tops this today!

Gratitude? Mounds and mounds of it – for her safe arrival at the hospital (not delivering a baby in the snow by the side of the road) and for the healthy boy who has joined our family who we cannot wait to love on!

 

April Fools Easter Sunday

6 MONTHS! I made it 6 MONTHS! Wahhooooooo!

When I first started, I remember thinking how far away and impossible 6 months felt. But day by day, it happened. Up days and down days, just normal life happening around me, as if nothing had changed. But so much WAS changing, under the surface. I’m not sure I would have been able to guess how much this decision was going to change my life at the time I quit.

And even after 6 months, I really have no idea, except that it’s made a huge difference, with far-reaching effects, already in the first 1/2 year. 

I hope and pray that the next 6 months continue on the same path and that on celebrating a year, I’ll be able to say that I made progress against some of my current goals, primarily more patience and acceptance with myself and others.

Speaking of goals, I’ve started a rough bullet journal – actually to call it that might be a gross exaggeration – but it’s a visual log of three daily activities I want to track over the next few months: meditation, exercise, and 8 hours of sleep. Today was day 1. The 30-day challenge showed me that having a visual checkbox system was motivating especially after the days started piling up (similar to this blog), so let’s see if it works for these other goals!

A 6-month review:

Looking back, I can see I’ve come a long way. My current slow-down may be partially due to overload of expectations for myself and for the experience of quitting. And I think somehow, my brain knows it needs to go dark for awhile to allow things to percolate in the subconscious. So I’m OK with that.

In the days ahead, my posts may be less about personal growth, and more about salad recipes and exercise achievements… forgive me the insufferable Healthy Shit. In all honesty, once I saw what a difference quitting made, I started making these other tweaks (to diet, exercise etc) and the payoffs have been tremendous. I feel better than I have in years, more energy, more focus, more confidence. And being more aware and in tune with my body, I can see the improvements even just having a green smoothie can make for my mood, energy levels, morning productivity etc.

So I’m tweaking away, while the subconscious percolates.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for another wonderful day with the boys, not very Easter-y, but filled with outdoor time and great conversation. No timeouts, no screaming (them), no angst and frustration (me). I’m grateful that the hearty salad recipe turned so well, and looking forward to sharing with my friend & neighbor J tomorrow. I’m grateful for fun plans ahead with the boys this week. Last but not least, I’m grateful each and every day for the enjoyment of a long hot shower. I know that sounds weird, but it’s one of my favorite moments of the day, and I savor it. Might as well express that here!

Saturday

Percolating along over here, still sober. The daily epiphanies may have slowed down but good stuff is still happening under the surface. Seismic shifts without the earthquakes. And once in awhile, something will crop up to remind me how far I’ve come.

Last night, cleaning up the downstairs on my way to bed, I drank some water from what I thought was my water glass… only to realize it had been C’s and he’d had something alcoholic in it, beer or bourbon – then filled it with water after. Even watered down, the taste of stale alcohol was completely disgusting. I found myself recoiling in a visceral way. In only six months, I’ve completely lost my taste for it.

Of course, I wonder if that same reaction would happen had I tried the pinot noir he opened for dinner tonight. A bottle from one of the verticals we have from William Selyem, a relatively unknown winemaker that specializes in the pinot noir grape – and I will admit to feeling a pang of longing. The color was perfect, a clear jewel-tone red, with legs for days and a thin clear layer on top… 

But then the longing passed, and I enjoyed the rest of the evening without the dry mouth, the impending headache (wine always gave me an early hangover), and the added impatience with boys’ bedtime routine.

Tomorrow marks 6 months. 

I’m going to celebrate with a nice workout, green smoothie for breakfast, new hearty salad recipe for lunch, and lots of outdoor playtime with the boys.

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Gratitude Postscript

I am extremely grateful for the wonderful family day we had – running around our favorite local beach in a 50-degree, perfectly sunny day, biking on the boardwalk and running into random Easter-bunny fun (something I wanted to do this weekend but hadn’t planned ahead for). The boys were uncharacteristically easy, and we even went out to eat for lunch. Overall, it was a smooth-sailing kind of day, and I’m appreciating every moment of it.

Friday

Today was supposed to be our first day of Spring Break but work got in the way. So now, I’m wrapping up the details and have finally, I think, extricated myself from all responsibilities. Let the relief soak in!!

Now, I can finally wrap my head around this upcoming week with the boys – which, in spite of recent parenting struggles, I am actually looking forward to. Maybe we’ll even take a little trip – certainly a day trip or two… Grounds for Sculpture if it’s nice, Liberty Science Museum if it’s not. Maybe a visit in to Brooklyn to visit family… now that work stress is off my back, anything seems possible.

This is also the week I start my 90-day workout program, which I intend to enjoy thoroughly.

It’s amazing what a good chat with a sympathetic friend, plus the anticipation of a little time off has done to shift my mood.

Now, I’ve got two crazy boys in my ear wanting to have a pillow fight so I’m out.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful to be heading into a weekend and week ahead with zero desire to drink. I’m grateful for two little boys who remind me to lighten up. I’m grateful for the upcoming break!

Thursday

This is gonna be quick because it’s late and I’m exhausted. Today was a scramble from the start. Morning routine went better than it has lately, because I laid down the law from the get-go. Guess I need to get better at that.

Then work insanity from the moment I dropped kids off – juggling multiple conference calls and work that needed to get done at the same time. And of course, I’d agreed to join my friend for the HRC talk at Rutgers in the afternoon, so I needed to magically get a full day’s work done in 1/2 the time (which didn’t happen).

On to Rutgers, one ear in yet another con call while chatting with my friend, M, who I hadn’t seen in way too long. Catching up with her was so nice, getting a chance to verbalize some of the changes I’m going through while also picking her brain about this age with twins given that she’s a fellow mom of twins. 

Seeing Hillary was a real experience, while she answered questions in an informal format in front of a packed-out and enthusiastic audience. We both got the OK from our spouses to stay out for dinner, and enjoyed that thoroughly (neither of us drinking!) before heading home.

Now, I’m beat – just wrapping up the final work stuff of the day and headed down to meditate, then shower, then bed.

Today’s catch-up session was a nice reminder that in spite of my recent discouragement, I have come a long way and am slowly making progress even on my more persistent personal issues.

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Gratitude Postscript

Thank god for quality friends like M, who bring out the best in you but also understand when you reveal your worst side. 

Wednesday

Well, a look at my sober calendar informed me this morning that although 180 days is 6 months in theory, the actual math of the last few months means I’m still shy by a few days.

Which is fine by me as today was anything but exemplary.

In fact, I’m phoning it in today and may even smoke a little pot, in spite of my “not on weeknights” rule. It was One of Those Days – and tonight, honestly, I just want a break from it all, including the self-work of wondering Why I’m Escaping. So my little pot pillow will have to do. At least I’m not drinking?

Headed downstairs to finally have dinner at 8:30pm, pack lunches, finish laundry, create the spring party favors for daycare that I promised (why?!), and then shower, maybe meditate and fall face first into my pillow.

Just a quiet evening.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that work has slowed down enough for me to feel like I can take a true break next week during Spring Break – now, I just need to rally the desire to enjoy it with the boys who are driving me nuts lately. Well, that wasn’t the greatest expression of gratitude now was it, Self? Let’s try again. I’m grateful that my friend offered me an extra ticket to go see HRC tomorrow at Rutgers, and somehow life opened up and I can go. I’m grateful for friends interested in splitting a CSA share with us, and for friends wanting to join me on a motivation train for fitness that I’ve set up on FB. Good people around me, so chin up, Self and get over this slump.

Tuesday

Last night’s meditation had me ask the question “What are you resisting?”

Still mulling over that question, so in true procrastination fashion I spent all free moments today researching a new 90-day workout challenge now that my 30-day is complete. The hurdle I’ve hit with mental/emotional progress is discouraging and tough, so I’ve redirected my energy toward the simpler, more achievable goals – and right now, that’s the physical stuff.

I’m proud of those achievements, and looking to capitalize on them by doubling down (well actually tripling down). Positive energy begets positive energy though, so I’m hoping that my efforts in the physical arena will boost my motivation in the emotional and mental areas as well.

For now, I’m resisting my own internal struggles apparently… but consistent exercise and meditation may help me face them.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for a free evening ahead, for lunch plans in the future with mr. C, for progress on our outdoor shower plans – finally!, and for a better mood than I was in yesterday.

Monday

On the phone with my dad this morning and found myself venting a bit about the recent work and family mini-dramas. He and I have a weekly Monday AM call that I’m grateful for, even if I’m not always chipper and positive every time we talk. And this call was no exception. He talked a bit about the next few months before his retirement this July, how he is transitioning into this new phase of his life, ready or not. He and mom were finishing a late breakfast and sounding very leisurely – something I must say is not normal for my folks, but quite refreshing.

In contrast, I had just come away from 2.5 hours of morning chaos: a quick Tabata workout at 6:30am, then breakfast with the boys and morning prep – getting everyone dressed and out the door 10 minutes late for daycare. I have no idea how this all takes 2+ hours, but somehow I can’t manage to get it done any quicker – I’m racing the whole time.

So my commute is a welcome quiet zone between work and home that I like to fill with e-books, podcasts, music, and calls with loved ones.

And after venting a bit to Dad, he expressed how full my life was right now – how he had no idea how I did it all. I admitted “not very well!” and then found myself saying that the one big success of my life right now has been quitting alcohol. And that has made all the difference. I honestly have no idea how I was doing it all before, without the hours that alcohol was sucking away from me in the evenings, and dealing with the handicap it gave me during the day. 

And here I thought it was HELPING.

With all the juggling and balls constantly dropping left and right, I’m grateful for the last 178 days of sober success. At least I’m staying consistent with this one important goal.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that C is getting an Xray today to diagnose some back problems that were exacerbated over the weekend (and kind of hoping the doc sees a hint of fatty liver and warns him – is that bad? omg it is) I’m grateful for a relatively slow week at work. I’m grateful for fitting in my workout today before the boys got up. I’m grateful for room to grow, and for life working hard to teach me the lesson of acceptance.

 

Sunday

I posted in my sobriety group on Facebook about being in a slump, coming up on 6 months and just feeling like my personal development had hit a wall. The two types of responses so far have been: 1) Work the steps, stay with the program, talk with your sponsor (yeah, none of that helps me as AA is a bit too cultish for my taste) and 2) Wow, you’re brave for saying that. Thanks for voicing what a lot of us feel.

The second response I find interesting. Why am I brave for admitting that I’ve hit a slump? I certainly don’t feel that way. I feel weak and actually a bit shy about it – hence the reach-out in anonymous Facebook land rather than anywhere else, even here.

But that’s where I’m at. Frustrated with my lack of progress on the personal front, in spite of great strides on the physical front. I’m still losing my temper with the kids and falling into the same old pit-falls with C.

I guess tomorrow is a new day. One day at a time, as they say in AA.

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Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that I didn’t expect much from today. C’s back is out, so it’s been a full day of me & the boys, who also didn’t nap, which meant there has been no time for anything other than playing with them and making meals. I’m grateful for the yummy gazpacho I had time to make, miraculously while cleaning up from breakfast. I’m grateful for our friends & neighbors who didn’t mind when we just dropped in on our bike ride this afternoon.