Category: Uncategorized

Day 165

Wednesday

Another multi-tasking marathon of a day, so I’m grabbing a minute in the middle to post as I’m not sure if there will be room this evening.

C is on another work ski trip, so I’m working from home to accommodate kid pick-up and dinner (while also simultaneously calling in to two meetings and working). Thankfully, a neighbor friend is helping for a bit when the boys are around so I can honestly say I’m working and not running around after them.

While there has been plenty of mental processing going on recently, today I thought I’d capture some of the physical changes I’ve noticed since quitting.

It’s been almost 6 months, and here are some of the changes I’ve seen:

  • Lost about 10lbs over the first few months, and am keeping it off
  • More energy during the day, all day – not just in the AM
  • More focus and clarity of thought
  • Increased confidence, especially at work
  • Better quality of emotional engagement with others, better listening
  • Increased ability to be mindful and aware of my own thoughts
  • Easier to stay committed to personal goals
  • Better memory
  • Lightened mood
  • More patience

In some ways, I feel like I’m finally waking up.

Although I know this may be a pink cloud moment, I’m feeling really positive about life right now, and even though it’s far from perfect (as am I), I’m okay with the good and the bad. 

At the risk of being one of those insufferable healthy people, some links and bullets below capture what is going on in my physical world:

 

Day 164

Cenote II, by James Monnington

Tuesday

In the midst of a return to school schedule (post Daylight Savings), unpacking from our trip, reconnecting with C, organizing my work schedule between agency work and personal clients, and all the rest of Life going on right now, I’m currently feeling an undercurrent of stability. Of positivity. Of confidence and hope.

It’s not on the surface – which swirls about me with the usual dramas and stresses – it’s below that. Deep below.

I think I’m getting somewhere. 

Driving home from therapy today, the thought occurred to me that drinking was a form of unconscious self-harm. I knew that drinking was hurting me, but in a way, it was punishment for not being the person I thought I should be. And of course, the drinking only made me feel worse about that.

Now, I still beat myself up plenty, but below that, there is a thread – growing and gaining strength as the days go by – of worth, of consistent pride in my own behavior. A bank of memories that I can relax into. 

I’m learning to find my clear sky.

Gratitude Postscript

Today, I’m grateful for a helpful, encouraging therapy session. For the chance to work out tonight, and for the yummy dinner smells wafting upstairs as I write this. Headed down now…

Day 163

Build Your Own World, by Joy LaForme

Monday

I missed a couple days in there, oops! I was out of town with the twins and without C which meant very little free time. And what little there was ended up filled with family time, which took priority.

I found myself surprisingly free of alcohol-related thoughts on the trip. While the relationships in my family are close and relatively drama-free, time together always seems to spark a need for booze. And sure enough, my brother had brought a very nice bottle of whiskey for our late-night chats, forgetting that I’d quit. 

We still stayed up way too late both nights while he and his wife enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the smell without any desire to have my own. My SIL was amazed; “What willpower!” And I appreciated her comment but inside I thought, this isn’t taking much willpower at all. I know I still have my unhealthy methods of escaping (and I was definitely craving them over the weekend) but alcohol has lost it’s power, at least this weekend.

It was interesting to catch myself in the middle of these conversations thinking, “Right now, I would be stumbling a bit, forgetting the right words, losing my train of thought, or trying to interject my own story by bulldozing my way over another person, etc etc” Flashbacks of my former self. Not that I was necessarily drunk all the time, but I was not the best version of myself, for sure. And I knew it in the moment too.

This time around, these conversations were more balanced, more meaningful, more connected. I was able to filter myself, easily find the right words when needed, and listen better.

And in the end, I remember it all.

Bonus? When one of the boys woke up with a nightmare in the middle of the night I was there, without a hangover and all the angst that goes with that.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for quality time with family, watching cousins play happily together and grandparents read stories to the whole crew. I’m grateful the long drive went without a hitch, both ways. And I’m grateful to be home with C giving the boys a bath and me a break.

Day 160

Hosta, by leslieavonmiller

Friday

Another overwhelming morning with the kids, work, home, all converging into one painful pressure point. Driving to work, beating myself up again, wondering why this is so hard?

I was reminded of this article, and rereading it helped:

To Die and So To Grow

After you stop drinking life doesn’t go away.

You said you feel as though you’re dying, and my dear, you are. Parts of you are dying unto themselves because that is how we go from being someone who exists to someone who lives. 

The problem isn’t that you’re dying, it’s that you think dying shouldn’t hurt so bad. But it should. Let it.

Gratitude Postscript

I know it’s cheesy and expected and I don’t care – I’m grateful it’s Friday.

 

Day 159

Thursday

I lost it with the boys again this morning. I didn’t yell, but I did raise my voice and got super frustrated with them – launching into a lecture that I’m sure sounded a lot like the Peanuts mom.

Then, per usual, I end up stewing over my failure throughout the day. Why am I still losing it? Why is this so hard, even when I’m doing everything “right” (working out, better sleep, attempting mindfulness & meditation etc etc)? I mean, I KNOW what I need to do, but in the moment I just can’t seem to rise above my emotions and do it.

A year ago, I might have REALLY lost it, and yelled or been forceful in a mean way with the boys, so maybe I’m improving, just a little? It’s so hard to tell. 

Some days I feel more encouraged than others. Today, not so much.

So I’m going to sign off with this thought: I have twin 4yo boys. That in and of itself should be an excuse for losing my shit every once in a while.

No longer an excuse to drink though!

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful that my husband brought dinner to my desk tonight, when I got caught up in an urgent (and currently ongoing) situation at work. I’m grateful that there is yoga in my future. And I’m grateful especially today, on International Women’s Day, for all of the strong, graceful, wise, generous, intelligent, beautiful women in my life who inspire me to be better. I definitely got lucky in that department.

Day 158

Snow Day Wednesday

Well, nothing like trying to multi-task on a Snow Day. It started with rain, so school cancellations felt ridiculous. Right around when they would have been letting out, the snow started in earnest, so I guess maybe it was warranted in the end. But it left all of us working parents in a frenzy of figuring out Plan B which is always fun.

Thanks to our neighbor & friend, I was able to get work done while boys were happily playing with her downstairs. Right now, I’m juggling full-time agency work while also creating and managing a number of websites, a job I didn’t intend to get myself into but that’s life.

The only alcohol-related thoughts today have been regarding C’s drinking and how it affects our relationship. And whether he would ever quit. And how I might approach the conversation with him (or if I even should), and then I start to go down a familiar negative mental pathway, despairing about our lack of connection and time to have the more serious conversations about us, our kids, our future, when we can barely manage to find a way to talk about the upcoming weekend and who will be paying the daycare bill this time.

Sigh. 

I think this is just Life right now. And whenever I feel myself slipping down those mental roads, I need to stop and think – “What do I have the power to do to make myself happy or to change a situation?” Not “Why isn’t this or that working out the way I would like?” or “Why isn’t some other person making me happy?”

Because that’s all I can do. And that will always need to be enough.

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful I was able to chip away at a number of things today in spite of the weather’s wrench in plans. I’m grateful the boys played happily with J, that they love her so much. I’m grateful for the great workout I got in last night leaving me sore today. And I’m grateful that it’s only 8:30pm and I’m pretty much done for the day. Headed down to spend a few minutes with C before he heads to bed. Some conversation is always better than none, right?

Day 157

Tuesday

A swirl of activity in all directions. If multi-tasking were an Olympic event, I would have taken Gold today.

Just alcohol-related thoughts though? Listening to Beyond Addiction on the way to an appointment, and as the intro explained how alcohol and other drugs affect our brains (a story I’m now becoming familiar with), one thing stood out from the rest. Alcohol affects our cerebral cortex, the part of our brain responsible for “putting the brakes on”, for curbing our lizard-brain impulses, for acting more like humans than animals. No wonder people do stupid shit while drinking.

And maybe that’s why it’s been noticeably easier for me to stick to more “adult” goals of self-improvement and self-control.

Now, if only I could better apply those cerebral cortex brakes to my tongue when it comes to kids and marriage…

Gratitude Postscript

That somehow in the midst of the crazy, it’s all getting done. And I’m grateful that I was able to fit in a quick workout before the day began.

Day 156

 

Monday

Feeling exhausted after a long day at work, sleepless night last night, and rough morning with the boys…but I’m also grateful that as I came in the door, C was already upstairs getting boys into the bath, giving me a short break to decompress.

Thanks to my long commutes I’ve finished This Naked Mind, and am hoping to post about some of its highlights soon. Lately, it seems I’m doing my novel reading at home in the evenings, and saving my audio books for self-improvement topics and commutes, when I seem to have the most brain-power. Nice to have brain-power on reserve, even when the stress hits. Given that this is a new development, I think this resilience is thanks in part to being alcohol-free.

I’ve moved on to a book called Beyond Addiction, that came recommended by someone in a private FB group, when I reached out in exasperation about my husband’s drinking and how difficult it was to be around. On Chapter 2, and I can already see that this has the potential to be helpful in a number of areas in our marriage, not just the topic of alcohol. We’ll see if it lives up to its promises. I’ll post on this book too when I’m done.

Now, the evening shift,: boys to bed, then 15-minute workout, then dinner & evening chores, then hopefully time to read/meditate/relax and head to bed early.  

Onward!!

Gratitude Postscript

I’m grateful for having the backbone to stand up to someone today, pressuring me to be part of an early meeting for which I’d need to sacrifice family time. I offered to try my best, but said, ultimately, meetings at this time would be an issue for me, and this was why I chose to freelance. I’m grateful that C is doing baths tonight. I’m grateful that my pants are fitting looser. And I’m grateful for the yummy PeiWei lunch I had, sushi & salad. It’s a cornucopia of gratitude today!

Day 155

 

Sunday

wifi is down so I’m gonna consider today a rest day. Headed to read and meditate before an early bed, which all sounds fabulous right now.

Gratitude Postscript

Yoga today, I did my first successful headstand. I’m grateful to my friend for helping me practice yesterday, and to the setting for being one where I felt challenged but also accepted.

Day 154

 

Resting, by Francesca Buchko

Saturday

 

Today was relatively uneventful mentally, except for a phone call with my uncle H. My mother’s brother who lives on the other side of the US and runs a busy medical practice rarely has time for a call to family this far away, so this was special.

I found out he quit drinking last year so had reached out via text, and he surprised me with a phone call to chat about it. In the end, our experiences were similar: neither of us had bottomed out (yet), but it was negatively affecting our lives and family relationships, and we felt a loss of control that we didn’t like. He quit cold turkey, no moderation attempt, and hasn’t looked back since. For him, it was a 3-finger whiskey habit that often ended up more like a 9-finger night. I think for both of us, having hard liquor as our drink of choice accelerated the process of becoming dependent. 

I was interested to hear more about how his relationship with his wife had helped spur his desire to quit (her previous 2 marriages had ended due to alcohol issues), but we ran out of time, and I also didn’t want to pry too much.

But it’s a topic that holds a lot of interest for me. Can a spouse encourage their partner to look critically at their drinking habits, and even encourage them to quit, without damaging the relationship or driving them the opposite way? If so, how?

Then I remind myself that, really, it is impossible to make another person change their ways… and I need to focus my energy on myself.

Plenty there to work on.

Gratitude Postscript

Ending the day exhausted, but the good kind, in my muscles and in my brain. Lots of healthy activity today. I’m grateful for the time spent with my good friend S talking about deep life shit, and I’m grateful that our boys enjoy hanging out with each other as much as we do (in fact, we’re joining them for yoga tomorrow!).