Today was a fun-filled morning on a play date with fellow 3yo twins (we terrorized a local diner after the bounce house), followed by an afternoon of work while boys napped and played with dad. I’m just now getting done with freelance and headed down for pizza with the fam.
All of these extra hours (logging close to 70 now between the three gigs I’m juggling – NOT planned!) are really making me want a cocktail. C came up earlier to help with something and I smelled a G&T on his breath – man, did that sound good. Now, I’m headed into an evening where I need to do at least another hour or two of agency work before calling it a night, and I know I’ll end up smoking as my unplug and reward.
I wonder how/when I’ll be able to kick that habit, as I know it’s just as unhealthy as the alcohol (mentally at least, although not as physically addictive or harmful).
After cracking a bit today and yelling at the boys and C, I feel like complete shit. And in the absence of alcohol to blame, I am now realizing how much stress has to do with it.
All it takes is a few weeks of high-intensity stress at work plus lack of sleep to cause me to really fray around the edges.
When I first quit, work was a lot easier and the kids were, in general, sleeping through the night (as I remember anyway). And I credited my feeling of mental balance to the lack of alcohol. I’m sure in part, it was. And no matter what, I know it helps – a TON.
But now the effect of stress stands out in stark relief.
Gotta find my happy place, and get some better rest tonight.
My brain is fried after this work week. Juggling dev handoffs for two pharma websites (whoever thought one AD could manage two full websites on the same timeline?!), with brutal clients and timelines and panicking coworkers all-day, every-day has left me burnt to a crisp.
I’m sure the pot is helping with that crispy too.
Headed to bed, but for one random alcohol-related thought.
I’ve just finished a novel set in Boston, about the ins-and-outs of an Irish family. Lots of Catholicism, guilt and drinking. One of the characters in Saints for All Occasions dies an early death in a drunken car crash. At his wake, a sibling reflects that at the bar where he would hang out it was considered a badge of honor if you could hold your alcohol. The more you drank, the better. But you had to exhibit a tolerance. Anyone who slipped up wasn’t respected as much.
Left me thinking about how true that is of drinking culture in general.
So much about alcohol is hidden in our culture. Weakness in general is taboo. So struggles like dependance or mental illness aren’t talked about. The people like myself, who quit because they worried they’d lost control, don’t tell anyone about it! So no one knows who around them may be going through similar struggles.
Reminds me of a poem I read the boys all the time, by Shel Silverstein:
Another intense day of work, already over 40 hours logged this week with plans to work late again tonight and through the upcoming weekend. It’s good money but bad for sanity.
In one of the moments of “free time” today, I read this article which caught my eye. For probably 2-3 years before I quit, I would click on articles like this all the time. I’d do quizzes, “Are you an alcoholic?” “Do you have a problem with alcohol?” etc. I visited and even participated in online studies with surveys. I was drawn to the topic, because – duh – I was concerned about myself and C.
But up until the end, I always found some reason, some excuse, some loophole in the criteria where I’d say “well, I’m not THAT bad”. Or “I only exhibit 7 of the 10 characteristics” or “I haven’t missed work or lost connection with a friend/partner/family member because of my drinking. I don’t drink in the morning etc”. You get the idea.
Truth was, I wasn’t ready to admit I had a problem.
And it wasn’t until I gave myself the challenge of cutting back and then wasn’t able to – over and over and over again, no matter how I tried, that I realized I did. I actually had a problem.
This article, had I read it earlier, might have got me there sooner.
And the quote by Grace, the author of The Naked Mind about it being hard to acknowledge her dependance because of how high-functioning she was- successful at work and home, “The outward signs of how much I [drank were] practically nonexistent.” That was pretty much me.
Internally, though – it was another story. And when my therapist asked me point-blank, “What if I were to tell you that all your problems were a result of your drinking?” I knew it was true. The depression, the anxiety, the lack of connection, the anger, the impatience, the exhaustion…
The more extended the usage, the more it can mess with your brain chemistry. – Robert Poznanovich
Roger Sterling (John Slattery) and Don Draper (Jon Hamm) at the bar — again.
Wednesday
Had dinner with the girls tonight. A couple agency friends, women I’ve worked with for years – another art director and a copywriter. These women and I have been through thick and thin at work together, and shared the thick and thin of our home lives with each other over drinks many, many times.
When we worked together, this was a common occurrence – ducking out after work to the plaza across the road for On the Border margaritas, way too many cardboard-tasting chips and salsa, and a few laughs.
Now, we don’t work at the same agency anymore, but we still try to make this happen every few months or so.
Tonight, walking into the restaurant to meet them I realized that the last time we’d met, I was still pounding margaritas. I arrived late, so the two of them were already gabbing away, deep in conversation as I pulled up to the table. They both looked up and did a double-take.
“OMG, what happened to you?!” “You look so good!” “Have you lost weight?”
And I just plopped down and said, “I quit drinking!” They plied me with questions, not about the quitting which they didn’t blink an eye about surprisingly, but about the weight loss. I didn’t realize how apparent it was, although I knew my skinny jeans had been fitting a bit loosely lately and I’d seen the pounds coming off on the scale. It was deeply satisfying to hear that from my girlfriends though, confirmation that this difference I’m feeling on the inside is reflected on the outside as well.
Conversation drifted onto other topics, and then we placed our drinks order. They both ordered the standard margaritas, and I decided what the heck, and ordered a N/A version. Which tasted like I expected it to – cheap mix, with that sugary sour back-of-the-throat taste I never liked even when there was alcohol mixed in. But then our dinners arrived, and I plowed through a Chimmichanga with sips of virgin margarita in between, and honestly never noticed the difference in taste enjoyment.
There was a moment toward the end of our 2 hr dinner where I realized, this is around the time when I would be getting a buzz on and dominating the conversation, or being too loud, or reacting insensitively, or just plain not 100% present… but instead, there I was – enjoying it just as much if not more, and pleasantly sober to boot.
I know in the past, I’ve always had 1-2 more drinks at this dinner than the others, so it was nice to be more in control around them than I’d been in the past. I don’t think they judged me but I wasn’t proud of my behavior. Tonight I was.
And leaving the restaurant, it was really satisfying to know that I was driving safe and had nothing to worry about on my 40 min drive home (dotted with speed traps along the way). In the past, I hadn’t realized how much that had weighed on me – leaving there with a buzz on, wondering if I was safe to drive (knowing I probably wasn’t legal to drive honestly) and just hoping against hope that I wouldn’t be pulled over.
Tonight’s boozy thoughts had to do with how I discount any behavior done while drinking or smoking, for myself or others. For example, I may design/create/write/think something I think is profoundly creative while I’m high, but then realize in the sober light of the next day that it actually wasn’t as great as I thought. I know this happens to all of us, but now that I’m sober (mostly), it kind of sucks to be on the “other” side.
Tonight, that feeling of being in a less-fun, more critical, but possibly more balanced place came during the boys’ story time. C was asked to read a story, which is unusual – and he was soaking it up. Already a bit soaked himself (the bourbon & beer started earlier than normal today), his enthusiasm was a bit boisterous and weird. He’d whisper one page, and then belt out the next. Then interject some story about himself that related, indirectly, to the words on the page, but held no interest to the boys at all. The boys kept looking to me for a reaction, and I just rolled my eyes and smiled. They looked a bit confused at first and then played along.
I hated that I was criticizing his reading. I mean, how often does the poor man get a chance to read to his kids? They’re always screaming, “NO, MOMMY READS!!!” and pushing him away. It made me feel like a miserable sad grump, discounting his enthusiasm because of his drinking.
Well, Day 100 has gone by with little fanfare – just a busy work day, and now, a quiet house after boys and C have gone to bed.
I think I’ll celebrate by disconnecting from my computer and reading a bit.
Before I go though, one of the members of a Facebook sobriety group I’m part of posted this today. I found it interesting, as I never really identified as being an “alcoholic” because of all of the stigma attached to it, and having never really bottomed out. But that mentality was part of why it took me ~3 years to actually quit.
Just heard a news story on NPR this AM that the NIH has a new “alcohol navigator” that recognizes there is a range of severity in alcoholism and directs one to people and programs in one’s area that can help. No longer one size fits all.
About to hit 100 – wow that feels like an accomplishment!
Today was another juggling act. Bounce House with the boys in the morning (got a “workout” in playing with them there), then cranked on freelance during their naps.
I’ve put in ~10 hours this weekend, and as much as I don’t like the stress of it, I do appreciate the $$ it’ll bring in after the holidays.
Nothing much of note today, except a few minor things. For one, the strong temptation to grab C’s wine over dinner and take a sip. In my mind, it would have been an incredible taste experience – luscious, deep, rich, layered.
Of course, I didn’t, and it wouldn’t have been. That’s what I tell myself anyway.
Also, I found out that an online quitting buddy (one of my AFFs from Living Sober) had been out of touch because she’d started drinking again. She and I originally quit on the same day, which is part of why we’d gravitated to each other. Plus, she’s a super cool woman: medical librarian, creative brainiac, quirky dresser, fun personality, and similar marriage struggles. But as I reach 100, she’s starting over at Day 1.
It just reminded me how easy it is to slip up… and then slide, slide, slide down that slippery slope.
Between that, and the rather disappointingly typical day I had emotionally – specifically with the interactions with C, unable to bring myself out of the normal negative mental grooves, I am headed to bed with renewed intentions for tomorrow.
Back at the office, finally. May the change of scenery bring a change of mind.
Boys had gymnastics, so we finally got out of the house. And I fit in a pilates class. All good fun. Then lunch, naps and freelance. I’ve put in 6 hrs of work today and am just deciding that’s enough.
Can’t say it was a banner day for my intentions. I got snippy with C, raised my voice with the little guys, and just felt overwhelmed in general. Like no matter where I turned, something or someone was waiting for me with urgency – and in C’s case, resentment (I didn’t help take down the Christmas tree due to being glued to my computer). And I just wasn’t able to give anyone everything they needed from me.
Work got the better part of me today though – and I’m not great at managing that stress. Sigh.
Going to go put my PJs on and read for a bit, then if I’m still asleep maybe a little meditation before bed.
It’s been an awesome way to relax before falling asleep.
PS. Just downloaded Mindsight, by Daniel J. Siegel – on my reading list for awhile. Looking forward to reading that in my free time. hahahaha!
Today didn’t feel like a Friday. This week has been weird – all vacation and snow days. It feels like I haven’t seen another adult in days, except for C. And now, I’m lined up to work through the weekend as well. Such a blur of work/play/sleep.
I’m interrupting that tonight to take a break and watch a movie with C, although I very easily could keep working. But the brain needs a release.
It’s interesting, the further I get into this quitting thing, the more I’m appreciating the replacements I’m using to unplug: hot peppermint tea & toast, reading, long hot showers, and now, meditation. They’re doing what they are supposed to do – it’s working. For some reason, that surprises me.
So dependent on alcohol to be the only thing that would work, that when something else does – it seems strange.
Now, I’m off to unplug. My usual Friday smoke is on the agenda, so I’m kinda cheating, but I feel the wheels in motion on that change as well.
