Category: Uncategorized

Friday

Another great day with family today but for some reason it’s been really tough fighting the urges. We spent the afternoon and evening at C’s sisters with the whole crew, all of the adults enjoying multiple open bottles of good quality wine, some beer and bourbon mixed in too. 

And damn, the wine looked so so good. The deep ruby red, swirling in large wine glasses, leaving sexy legs behind. Cheese pairings, crackers and bread, my galette (as decadent as I’d hoped, pastry crust and all), and the perfect unseasonably warm fall day. 

I know I was romanticizing the moment and I know that if I drank, it wouldn’t really be like that, but DAMN, it was hard.

Now, I’m ducking out early with plans to put the boys down and chill on my own while the others stay here and play games, drink & “party” as much as a classy, restrained family of Germans can. 

Feeling a bit sad and lonely.

Thanksgiving Thursday

I know I should be grateful right now, and I am. We’re at C’s brother’s house in DC with a host of extended family–all wonderful, drama-free, fun people. We’ve just finished stuffing ourselves with an incredible meal, everyone chipping in with the prep and cleanup, with little to no stress involved. A miracle, for sure!

I’ve only had to turn down two drink offers-one as wine was initially served over afternoon food prep, and the other as the post-dessert card games commenced and heavier drinks came on the menu. No one seemed to blink an eye, and that was nice. I mentioned that I’d quit to a close family member in private but no questions were asked.

Its been a bit tough though, realizing how alcohol was my buffer for the awkwardness I feel around his family, and now…I feel like I don’t exactly know how to be myself around them. I wanted to really connect on this trip, thanks to being sober, but so far, I just feel awkward.

The toughest part of it all has been sitting next to C as he got blurrier and blurrier, and his humorous “my wife is a bitch and my life sucks” comments to the room became more cutting and less funny.  Maybe when I was drinking along I would have laughed or countered, but being dead sober while he undercut our relationship in front of his family (couched in dark humor of course) was really painful and embarrassing.

Our son rescued me by needing Mommy for a sore tummy, so now I’m upstairs and headed to bed with that as my excuse.

I don’t know where to go with any of this but right now it just feels painful.

 

 

Wednesday

It’s a madness of work, baking, food prep, and packing today! No time for error, no time for rumination, no time for alcohol. But somehow, every year prior, I managed to make room for that handicapping substance! It’s amazing how, in the worst possible times, alcohol seemed like the solution but was in fact a large part of the problem.

In years past, I would have headed into the busy-ness with glasses of wine to start, and as the evening began, stiff G&Ts and maybe a puff or two – to celebrate the beginning of the holiday, as a reward for all the work accomplished and a buffer for the work to come. I would have stayed up late late late to fit it all in, arriving at midnight or 1am with a massive buzz and then stumbling to bed with a glass of water and a few Advil, hoping against hope that the morning would be easy on me, as we headed into the frenzy of packing the van and trying to get on the road by an early hour.

Of course, the mornings were never easy. And waking up with a hangover to deal with two little ones and the craziness of packing for a trip was never fun. 

Did it help me have fun the night before? Maybe. Did it help me accomplish everything on my list? Not really. Many screwed up recipes, many forgotten ingredients, many “fuck-it” moments where a plan was scrapped, many “shit, I need an ingredient from the store but am probably not safe to drive” moments.

Although today will still be strenuous, it will be easier than in the past, thanks to the clear head and capable hands provided by my sobriety. And I’m baking and prepping more food (and more complex, delectable food) than I have in the past – I think because in a way I am replacing the pleasure of alcohol with super yummy food treats. I’m excited to share them with family and excited to be more present in the moment while we all enjoy them.

And I’m reminded around every corner to rise above the Work of it all, and enjoy the reason Why – family, gratitude, celebration, tradition.

I am so grateful.

Wishing all of us a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Tuesday

I am finding myself filling my schedule to the gills lately – and even ramping it up with the holidays. Finding new recipes to cook, working out, pulling extra freelance jobs, amassing a long list of projects to take on, watching Netflix shows, reading multiple books, holiday shopping, etc etc etc.

I’m honestly not sure whether this is a good thing or not. Initially, it was to replace the evening drinking with something healthy that would distract. Now that I’m almost 2 months in (still super early sobriety), I’m wondering if I’m just using this Busy-ness to avoid processing the prickly painful stuff that sits in the back of my mind.

I know that my 1-hr commutes are great for processing, and yet I fill them with phone calls, podcasts and zoning out to music.

Evenings might be good as well, but I’m barely getting to bed before midnight and find myself busy right up until my head drops onto the pillow. Some processing tries to happen then, as my mind churns and stresses, but usually I’m trying hard to turn it off – not dig in to the problems.

In line with the latest desire to make space to meditate and to spend time practicing gratitude, I think I need to slow down. Take a few deep breaths once in awhile. Leave an evening or two open during the week. Turn down additional work.

Easy to say, much much harder to implement – especially now with the holiday madness bearing down. But hopefully intention counts for something!

Monday

So I’m phoning it in tonight. 1) It’s 11:30 and I just wrote and lost a post into the ether due to a bad internet connection. 2) It’s been a long day and will probably be another interrupted night’s sleep tonight so I better try to fall asleep before the boys start waking up due to “night-marrers”

Today in summary – rough morning due to previously mentioned sleep-interrupters, long work day filled with schizophrenic projects all starting and stopping and changing throughout the day, then the race home to put boys down in time to meet my trainer at the gym – fingers crossed no one started throwing a fit when I left because C is sick of dealing without me. Dinner at 9:30, then a Stranger Things episode because I want to catch up with family about Season 2 over the holiday, and now I hear a little voice calling me from the other room… sigh.

In other news, I did find a yummy recipe I want to try for Thanksgiving!

Smitten Kitchen’s Butternut Squash and Carmelized Onion Galette

Sunday

Should Day 50 feel significant? It went by with little fanfare. In fact, it’s been a bit of a mixed-bag… leaving me at loose ends tonight.

Another weekend day where C and I went our separate ways – him to mountain bike, and me – to take down the garden and go hiking with the boys. An outdoor day, which usually improves my mood but although my time with the boys was wonderful, I find the funk still sticking tonight. And I was short on patience and quick to snap at the kids and C all day. I’ve taken an early shower and hope to go to bed on the early side, as I know how much sleep (or the lack of) plays a part.

Two alcohol-related thoughts from today:

While planting bulbs this afternoon, I was reminded of the quote I read on the church billboard weeks ago… “You must till the soil before you can plant”. And I was doing just that, tearing down this summer’s veggie garden, trimming down the front gardens, pulling out unsuccessful perennials, and then turning the soil to plant bulbs, 3, 5, 6″ down. The process was messy, dirty, ugly. And the yard looks much the same after hours of sweaty labor. The effort was in the hope of beauty next spring. The reward is long-term, not short-term. I was realizing how much of my adult life has been spent seeking short-term pleasure, and how little on the striving and hoping required for long-term reward. Was this partially the result of drinking so much? May my patience and self-control improve with time and self-awareness. (Did I really take until 40 to start growing up?)

The other, somewhat sad, realization I had was that I would not be able to connect with my husband as I had wanted to, needed to tonight. Why? Primarily because he had been drinking heavily. At dinner, his eyes were bloodshot and I almost thought he’d been crying, but then realized it was just the amount of alcohol he’d had all afternoon (heavy G&T’s since about 2pm). I still held out hope that we’d be able to talk through a work situation, so he could provide some advice from a manager’s perspective. Tomorrow is my big chat with HR about the potential position, and although I know I don’t want to take it, I don’t want to turn them off to a future opportunity. I wanted to run some verbiage by C to make sure I was handling the situation professionally and with grace. In other moments like this in the past, he has been a good sounding board. But he was far from able to do that by the time the boys were in bed. He remembered that I’d brought it up earlier (I usually try to warn him when I want to ask something complex/important because he is a slow processor) and asked if I wanted to talk about it, but his eyes were half shut and I knew he wasn’t in the best place for a conversation about professional delicacy. I tried anyway, and threw out the phrasing I knew was wrong and rough and awkward, the phrasing I’d hoped he could help me massage. And he just said “Go with that!” But of course, I can’t. 

This is tough, not just for tonight’s lack of connection, but for the constant lack of connection I’m now feeling more deeply than before. So so many things I would love to have conversations about, ask him about, tell him about – life, planning ahead, growing old together, how to handle our kids now and as they get savvier, more mature, dreams, goals, and tough stuff like what it’s been like for him to lose his parents, what it might be like to lose mine, how would we handle one parent needing to live with us, real tough life shit. But we can barely talk about the immediate logistical stuff like buying dog food.

I know it’s not just alcohol’s fault, but tonight, I blame alcohol for 90%.

Fuck alcohol.

 

Saving this article for later, definitely need to do a better job of this.

 

Saturday

I found myself in another slump today, and let my perception of C’s mood (negative, judgemental) get to me. We barely spent time together today, but the time we were in proximity to each other, he managed to really rub me the wrong way. Who knows, maybe this was all just in my own head. But regardless, by the end of the day, I was in a funk.

After boys went to bed, I distracted myself by prepping for Thanksgiving when, mid-process on the sweet & spicy nuts, I realized I needed a couple things from the store. Thankfully, that break gave me the processing time I needed and I came home in a better place.

My realization was that I had my head down – buried in the mundane stresses and transient, stupid emotions of the day. And I needed to raise my eyes and rise above. Interrupt the misery of the moment with gratitude. So I spent some time thinking about the things C did that I was grateful for today. And there were a few! Being an equal partner with the cooking, cleaning and boys was a good start. Picking up nuts at Costco for my recipe. Giving the boys a bath tonight, so I could finish making the apple pie. Was I angry at him still? Yes. But it interrupted my rumination and helped me to rise above.

I know this has the makings of a perfect inspirational quote overlaid on a nice image, maybe with a hashtag #blessed. But I really am learning that some of these “Rumi-isms” (and even the AA 12 steps) may actually be on to something. I guess I’m at a point where I’m able to absorb it, and sometimes live it.

And I guess gratitude is appropriate to practice, in this season of Thanksgiving.

 

Friday

Meditation:

Meditation is a practice of concentrated focus upon a sound, object, visualization, the breath, movement, or attention itself in order to increase awareness of the present moment, reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enhance personal and spiritual growth

I’ve decided I need to start practicing this. Stress levels are increasing with the holidays approaching, freelance workload increasing, and home pressures consistently overwhelming. Working out is helping, but life just can’t afford for me to be at the gym 7 days/week.

I need a mental escape that I can pull out anywhere – in the middle of a chaotic moment with the boys, or a tense reaction from my husband, or yet another confusing meeting about an impossible project. Mindfulness is key, but it requires practice.

Some ways I’ve practiced in the past:

• paying attention to breathing
• listening to music, being immersed
• yoga, kundalini yoga*
• being in nature

Some new ways I’d like to try:

• Qi Gong
• Tai Chi
• Guided visualization, possibly through an app or on YouTube
• Other app-guided meditations, including Headspace which I’ve just downloaded

Either that or smoking more pot (or maybe both?). Kidding! Although a little toke is exactly my plan for tonight. Happy Friday!

 

*this worked wonders! Even 12 minutes/day.

Thursday

To continue the trend of rollarcoaster emotions, this morning I had a Pink Cloud moment of euphoria. This type of feeling had never really occurred to me prior to quitting, but now they are not uncommon. Usually in the morning, often while driving and listening to music, I have this feeling of complete and total euphoric joy. Lifted above the mundane, I feel invincible, in control, centered, happy. 

It’s really an incredible feeling and I love these moments of perfection. This morning’s moment was brought to you by a good personal training session and an anthemic song on Pandora.

I’m calling them Pink Cloud moments because I know they are just a blip on the radar of life, small spikes in mood, and the tough slogging through waist-deep mud feeling will be back soon enough. It turns out, these feelings are very common for people in early recovery. So I’m learning not to allow myself to get too confident or to take the feeling too seriously, because I recognize how impermanent it is. 

But I do enjoy the cotton candy sweetness while in the moment!

Animal Collective, Bluish

 

 

Wednesday

How is it possible that in one day I can swing from feeling like a pillar of confidence and competence to feeling like the slightest negative comment from C could completely undermine all the self-work I’ve been doing?

Work went well today. I was pulled into the Creative Director’s office and offered a staff position. The conversation basically went like this: “What would you need from us to come onboard?” And then I described my ideal job situation (flexibility, capped hours, low responsibility, work-from-home days, and mix of creative opportunities) while they nodded and talked about the ways this could all be negotiated. It was exhilarating and when I left, knowing that I would likely not take the offer regardless… it was empowering.

I know I’m doing a good job for this agency, working less than 40 hrs/week as a freelance AD but giving them more than 40 hrs of value. I work fast, I lead well, I provide confidence to the team that the work will get done and done well. I know I kick ass at work.

At home? Another story.

The drive home is often me steeling myself against C’s moods and psyching myself up to be 100% present and connected with two very demanding, busy 3yos in spite of feeling tired. 

Tonight, like most nights lately, I arrive home after 1hr+ strenuous rush-hour commute, to both boys piling on me the instant I come in the door talking simultaneously at 100mph, requiring interaction “Mommy, put Theodore (frog puppet) on!” “Mommy, look I’m doing cannonballs on the couch!” “Mommmmmy, excuse me… listen to me!!!!” “Mommy, make Theodore sing the Poopy song!” (This continues non-stop through their bedtime 1.5 hrs later)

Also fighting for my attention, both dogs are circling and nosing me excitedly especially “my” dog, Miles, who likes to not-so-gently nibble at my hands until I pet her. C is trying to get a word in edgewise, and I haven’t even set my bag & coffee mug down yet. I take over the boy care while C heads off to scroll Facebook and drink bourbon in the kitchen. Dial in to a 3yo mentality (lots of poop jokes), connect, laugh, snacks, baths, then books/bathroom/bed. After boys are down, C and I have a bit of a standoffish half-hour in proximity to each other before he went to bed.

I may be succeeding at work but I often feel overwhelmed with the demands of home – not the least of which is my marriage which feels like it has been failing a lot lately.

Quitting has already had a huge effect on my self-confidence, and ability to cope at home and at work, but it’s a lot tougher at home.

PS. All the kid chaos, I love. I totally love.