Month: January 2018

Thursday

Another intense day of work, already over 40 hours logged this week with plans to work late again tonight and through the upcoming weekend. It’s good money but bad for sanity.

In one of the moments of “free time” today, I read this article which caught my eye. For probably 2-3 years before I quit, I would click on articles like this all the time. I’d do quizzes, “Are you an alcoholic?” “Do you have a problem with alcohol?” etc. I visited and even participated in online studies with surveys. I was drawn to the topic, because – duh – I was concerned about myself and C.

But up until the end, I always found some reason, some excuse, some loophole in the criteria where I’d say “well, I’m not THAT bad”. Or “I only exhibit 7 of the 10 characteristics” or “I haven’t missed work or lost connection with a friend/partner/family member because of my drinking. I don’t drink in the morning etc”. You get the idea. 

Truth was, I wasn’t ready to admit I had a problem.

And it wasn’t until I gave myself the challenge of cutting back and then wasn’t able to – over and over and over again, no matter how I tried, that I realized I did. I actually had a problem.

This article, had I read it earlier, might have got me there sooner.

Many of these warning signs were true for me.

And the quote by Grace, the author of The Naked Mind about it being hard to acknowledge her dependance because of how high-functioning she was- successful at work and home, “The outward signs of how much I [drank were] practically nonexistent.” That was pretty much me.

Internally, though – it was another story. And when my therapist asked me point-blank, “What if I were to tell you that all your problems were a result of your drinking?” I knew it was true. The depression, the anxiety, the lack of connection, the anger, the impatience, the exhaustion…

The more extended the usage, the more it can mess with your brain chemistry. – Robert Poznanovich

Wednesday

Had dinner with the girls tonight. A couple agency friends, women I’ve worked with for years – another art director and a copywriter. These women and I have been through thick and thin at work together, and shared the thick and thin of our home lives with each other over drinks many, many times.

When we worked together, this was a common occurrence – ducking out after work to the plaza across the road for On the Border margaritas, way too many cardboard-tasting chips and salsa, and a few laughs.

Now, we don’t work at the same agency anymore, but we still try to make this happen every few months or so.

Tonight, walking into the restaurant to meet them I realized that the last time we’d met, I was still pounding margaritas. I arrived late, so the two of them were already gabbing away, deep in conversation as I pulled up to the table. They both looked up and did a double-take.

“OMG, what happened to you?!” “You look so good!” “Have you lost weight?” 

And I just plopped down and said, “I quit drinking!” They plied me with questions, not about the quitting which they didn’t blink an eye about surprisingly, but about the weight loss. I didn’t realize how apparent it was, although I knew my skinny jeans had been fitting a bit loosely lately and I’d seen the pounds coming off on the scale. It was deeply satisfying to hear that from my girlfriends though, confirmation that this difference I’m feeling on the inside is reflected on the outside as well.

Conversation drifted onto other topics, and then we placed our drinks order. They both ordered the standard margaritas, and I decided what the heck, and ordered a N/A version. Which tasted like I expected it to – cheap mix, with that sugary sour back-of-the-throat taste I never liked even when there was alcohol mixed in. But then our dinners arrived, and I plowed through a Chimmichanga with sips of virgin margarita in between, and honestly never noticed the difference in taste enjoyment.

There was a moment toward the end of our 2 hr dinner where I realized, this is around the time when I would be getting a buzz on and dominating the conversation, or being too loud, or reacting insensitively, or just plain not 100% present… but instead, there I was – enjoying it just as much if not more, and pleasantly sober to boot. 

I know in the past, I’ve always had 1-2 more drinks at this dinner than the others, so it was nice to be more in control around them than I’d been in the past. I don’t think they judged me but I wasn’t proud of my behavior. Tonight I was.

And leaving the restaurant, it was really satisfying to know that I was driving safe and had nothing to worry about on my 40 min drive home (dotted with speed traps along the way). In the past, I hadn’t realized how much that had weighed on me – leaving there with a buzz on, wondering if I was safe to drive (knowing I probably wasn’t legal to drive honestly) and just hoping against hope that I wouldn’t be pulled over.

Man, the stupid shit we do.

Tuesday

Tonight’s boozy thoughts had to do with how I discount any behavior done while drinking or smoking, for myself or others. For example, I may design/create/write/think something I think is profoundly creative while I’m high, but then realize in the sober light of the next day that it actually wasn’t as great as I thought. I know this happens to all of us, but now that I’m sober (mostly), it kind of sucks to be on the “other” side.

Tonight, that feeling of being in a less-fun, more critical, but possibly more balanced place came during the boys’ story time. C was asked to read a story, which is unusual – and he was soaking it up. Already a bit soaked himself (the bourbon & beer started earlier than normal today), his enthusiasm was a bit boisterous and weird. He’d whisper one page, and then belt out the next. Then interject some story about himself that related, indirectly, to the words on the page, but held no interest to the boys at all. The boys kept looking to me for a reaction, and I just rolled my eyes and smiled. They looked a bit confused at first and then played along.

I hated that I was criticizing his reading. I mean, how often does the poor man get a chance to read to his kids? They’re always screaming, “NO, MOMMY READS!!!” and pushing him away. It made me feel like a miserable sad grump, discounting his enthusiasm because of his drinking.

But the truth is, he was Less Than.

Monday

Well, Day 100 has gone by with little fanfare – just a busy work day, and now, a quiet house after boys and C have gone to bed. 

I think I’ll celebrate by disconnecting from my computer and reading a bit.

Before I go though, one of the members of a Facebook sobriety group I’m part of posted this today. I found it interesting, as I never really identified as being an “alcoholic” because of all of the stigma attached to it, and having never really bottomed out. But that mentality was part of why it took me ~3 years to actually quit. 

Just heard a news story on NPR this AM that the NIH has a new “alcohol navigator” that recognizes there is a range of severity in alcoholism and directs one to people and programs in one’s area that can help. No longer one size fits all.

Check out more here. 

Sunday

About to hit 100 – wow that feels like an accomplishment!

Today was another juggling act. Bounce House with the boys in the morning (got a “workout” in playing with them there), then cranked on freelance during their naps. 

I’ve put in ~10 hours this weekend, and as much as I don’t like the stress of it, I do appreciate the $$ it’ll bring in after the holidays.

Nothing much of note today, except a few minor things. For one, the strong temptation to grab C’s wine over dinner and take a sip. In my mind, it would have been an incredible taste experience – luscious, deep, rich, layered.

Of course, I didn’t, and it wouldn’t have been. That’s what I tell myself anyway.

Also, I found out that an online quitting buddy (one of my AFFs from Living Sober) had been out of touch because she’d started drinking again. She and I originally quit on the same day, which is part of why we’d gravitated to each other. Plus, she’s a super cool woman: medical librarian, creative brainiac, quirky dresser, fun personality, and similar marriage struggles. But as I reach 100, she’s starting over at Day 1.

It just reminded me how easy it is to slip up… and then slide, slide, slide down that slippery slope.

Between that, and the rather disappointingly typical day I had emotionally – specifically with the interactions with C, unable to bring myself out of the normal negative mental grooves, I am headed to bed with renewed intentions for tomorrow.

Back at the office, finally. May the change of scenery bring a change of mind.

Saturday

Too much juggling today, my brain is fried. 

Boys had gymnastics, so we finally got out of the house. And I fit in a pilates class. All good fun. Then lunch, naps and freelance. I’ve put in 6 hrs of work today and am just deciding that’s enough.

Can’t say it was a banner day for my intentions. I got snippy with C, raised my voice with the little guys, and just felt overwhelmed in general. Like no matter where I turned, something or someone was waiting for me with urgency – and in C’s case, resentment (I didn’t help take down the Christmas tree due to being glued to my computer). And I just wasn’t able to give anyone everything they needed from me.

Work got the better part of me today though – and I’m not great at managing that stress. Sigh.

Going to go put my PJs on and read for a bit, then if I’m still asleep maybe a little meditation before bed.

It’s been an awesome way to relax before falling asleep.

PS. Just downloaded Mindsight, by Daniel J. Siegel – on my reading list for awhile. Looking forward to reading that in my free time. hahahaha!

 

Friday

Today didn’t feel like a Friday. This week has been weird – all vacation and snow days. It feels like I haven’t seen another adult in days, except for C. And now, I’m lined up to work through the weekend as well. Such a blur of work/play/sleep.

I’m interrupting that tonight to take a break and watch a movie with C, although I very easily could keep working. But the brain needs a release.

It’s interesting, the further I get into this quitting thing, the more I’m appreciating the replacements I’m using to unplug: hot peppermint tea & toast, reading, long hot showers, and now, meditation. They’re doing what they are supposed to do – it’s working. For some reason, that surprises me.

So dependent on alcohol to be the only thing that would work, that when something else does – it seems strange.

Now, I’m off to unplug. My usual Friday smoke is on the agenda, so I’m kinda cheating, but I feel the wheels in motion on that change as well.

Snowday Thursday

We got around 12-18″ overnight and today and it is BEAUTIFUL! Really perfect snow, a little fluffy but sticky enough to build snowmen at some point. Probably would make great skiing. 

And it also meant that the boys were out of school, and working from home was a complete juggling act. Without fail during conference calls, whatever distraction method I’d figured out for them would stop working and they’d start shrieking “MOM” or making toot noises to be funny. Thank god I work with others who understand.

Now that part of the day is over, and I’m headed into an evening of more freelance, some reading, a short meditation, shower then bed. I can already see how the meditation will help and am excited to put the time in.

I feel a shift happening internally. Another one of those commonsense epiphanies.

If you don’t like the way you feel, choose to feel differently.

I know that sounds overly simplistic, and relatively impossible. I know for me, hearing advice like this normally sends me into a rage. But that’s the shift that’s happening.

Specifically, I’m realizing that I don’t like the way I feel toward my husband. I’m angry a lot, and negative, and upset, and hurt. And I’m tired of feeling that way. Regardless of whether he has done things to justify these feelings (intentionally or not), I just really don’t want to feel this way anymore.

So I’m trying to move forward in a more positive, happy place, inside myself – for my own sake. Not to prove anything to him, or cheer him up, or be the bigger person or anything like that. Just for myself and my own happiness.

We’ll see how well I’m able to adopt this mental shift. Hopefully, the meditation and clarity that comes from sobriety will help.

I know a year ago, this internal shift would have been impossible for me to imagine, let alone try to implement.

 

 

Wednesday

Guess my head is still on vacation – I went to type the day and was SURE it was Tuesday – then had to correct it.

Maybe it’s the break from routine or the evenings smoking pot, but at the end of this vacation I’m finding myself in a sad slump regarding the decision to quit. It’s feeling so final, so stark right now.

I’ve heard it’s normal to go through these phases, the grief of saying goodbye to something that you depended on so dearly, your friend in the good times and bad. But then I need to remind myself that there were fewer and fewer good times and more and more bad, thanks to that “friend”. 

Like an abusive boyfriend, there is this desire to justify or ignore the negative especially when it hasn’t happened in awhile.

I just spoke with a close friend this morning about learning meditation, and speaking from years of experience (they meditate 45 mins/day), they talked about the point where the brain just gives up and gives in to the meditation – and is finally at peace. What a wonderful feeling that is. A kind of nirvana.

I want that so much.

So I’m going to keep on keeping on, and hope that between the quitting and the meditation, at some point in the future, I’ll find that place inside myself.

Tuesday

I promise I won’t write about the latest juice today. I know how annoying those juicing/yoga/exercise people can be whenever they find a new craze. OMG – is that me? I hope to God not.

Today was my last day off, and with boys in daycare, it was heaven.

Can’t say my intention to slow down affected the day much, I’ve been running around like mad – just stopping now to find something on the computer before heading to therapy.

Over the last few days, percolating in the back of my mind, I’ve been working through thoughts on the last year and hopes/intentions/resolutions for the new year. This past year’s success with the Post-it note list has inspired me to take on 2018 in similar style. My love of checking things off a list apparently works for more than the day-to-day, who knew?

So although I’ve been in a bit of slump in the last couple weeks (or maybe BECAUSE I’ve been in a slump), I’m putting pen to paper and making some commitments. 

The More/Less list is helpful, as is a list of questions my SIL sent over today. 

For now, I’ll share a few of the top intentions.

MORE:

• meditation
• mindfulness/control over emotions
• exercise/self-care
• loving myself
• sleep

LESS:

• busy-ness/overloading myself
• worrying about what others think
• pot
• social media
• online spending

Reflections for the New Year: