Author: AnonAlcoholic

Friday

Yet again, almost midnight and I haven’t posted. Not a good week for sleep! Tonight’s excuse was building halloween costumes with the husband, *mostly* sober (I smoked pot, he drank a couple beers and a bourbon). He’d been joining me in sobriety all week (Tues, Wed, Thurs) and was quite proud of himself. And we had a good time together tonight which was a pleasant surprise after the past week!

The voice in my head urging me to drink was less Despair as it was an annoying drunk friend, trying to push shots on you at the end of the night when you’re over it. 

Tomorrow is a busy day of gymnastics, birthday party with the boys, then more halloween prep, then our big adult halloween party that C and I attend every year. Well, he MC’s it – and I show up by myself to putz around, usually drink heavily, dance and get my fortune read, while circulating the bar many many times. Sometimes I bring a friend, but I didn’t plan well enough this year.

So, tomorrow night will be me – alone – at a boozy party with not much to do. Hmmm not easy. I’ve made a mask that covers my whole face and would be impossible to drink through, and although I’ll take it off to eat and get my fortune read, it’ll be at least one barrier between me and the bar. The plan is to eat at the big buffet spread, then find a few coworkers of C’s that I know and catch up with them. Get a good look at all the costumes, maybe take a few pictures, do some dancing… and make an early exit.

Good luck to me! I’ve got this. 

Thursday

Working from home today and was able to mix my usual workload with a lot of sober community interactions and a visit to the Bubble Hour podcast to listen to one of my new AFFs (alcohol free friends haha), Alison’s interview. Nice to unabashedly multi-task! I’ve even found a group of sober advertising execs in the area to hang with, SEAM.

As I come up on a month, I find myself reflecting on the changes I’ve noticed since quitting. Although it might be premature to draw any conclusions, one of the things that has been surprising to discover is that life is easier.

Don’t get me wrong, this has been tough. Really tough. I’m still hanging on for dear life – needing to have a solid plan every evening and an iron-clad plan for the weekends. I’m working out more than our family schedule easily allows, and I’m avoiding my husband in the evenings just to scrape by. I’ve had headaches during happy hour for the first few weeks. I am still struggling to calm down at the end of the night, and put myself to bed before midnight. My online spending has jumped (since I deserve rewards, right?) and I’m sure I’ve spent the same amount on fancy AF drinks as I did before on alcohol. All the emotional baggage of my marriage and my own personal insecurities and issues have been tough to deal with and I see a long road ahead in the area of self-discovery and improvement.

But it’s become easier to cope. Nothing has changed – the stresses of normal life, the ups and downs, the demand of a job and family are all there but I am coping better. I’m not second-guessing myself anymore, and I feel calmer, less reactive.

My self-confidence is increasing and I feel more fully present, mentally and emotionally, both at home and at work. And I’m enjoying this feeling so much I’m starting to examine what other things I do that erode my self-confidence. Now that I recognize what that feels like (in it’s absence), I am noticing activities and choices I make that chip away at my self-respect.

And adding them to the list of things I need to work on. At least now, tackling these issues seems managable.

Late PM update:

Just wanted to record this memory – an example of connection… Today at dinner, while one of my sons and I sat still finishing our dinners after the others had left, he turned to me and made a funny head-shaking, fist-making, exertion face to be goofy. Not unusual, but I picked up on it and repeated it, exaggerating a bit more. He laughed, I laughed. This game repeated itself about 20x, each time getting more exaggerated and hilarious for both of us, until we were almost peeing our pants and he said “I got to go to the bathroom!” and ran off. I had tears of laughter streaming down and realized it was one of the most connected moments I’ve had with this son in a long time. Grateful for special moments like these, and for the ability to notice and remember them. And grateful I’m discovering this now, in time to capture this beautiful time in our lives.

Wednesday

Today was another busy day, but throughout the busy-ness I had a number of thoughts marinating. Not sure any of them are quite fully processed yet so I’m saving some nuggets for future sharing when they’re a little more complete. 

But for the sake of putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, tonight – I’ll share one. This thought has been bubbling to the surface for awhile now: the idea of “faking it until you make it”.

Words and actions have the power to bring about transformation, even when we aren’t truly “feeling it”. 

My Valentine’s Day decision to love myself the way I wanted to be loved led to a number of personal goals for 2017 which have all been transformative. I have a Post-It note hanging off my computer that I read almost daily with the list of goals, among them more self-love, more exercise & outdoors, less alcohol/pot, invest in friendships, therapy, more sleep, more of what I love – music, travel, woodworking etc. 

And I’ve done most of them, more or less. After one of the many times my therapist told me that I need to love myself first, I asked her in frustration, HOW? How do I love myself? How can I validate myself? How can I be enough?

Tough questions, but I think I’m beginning to find one answer.

Just by ACTING as though I love myself, I am feeling more love for myself.

On that note, I’m going to go to bed… more sleep.

Tuesday

I’m just realizing I didn’t post today, and it’s almost midnight so this will be a quick one. It was a busy day but I had a great therapy session, and also reached into my growing network of sober online groups for wisdom about having a relationship with someone who drinks heavily, while you are trying to quit.

In a nutshell, the advice was:

• You can’t change another person, just focus on yourself
• Take care of yourself, make yourself happy first and foremost
• While they may try to change you back, don’t worry about their moods and reactions – that is a reflection of their own struggles, not yours
• A deep, meaningful relationship is not possible when one or both people are drinking
• Regardless of how “high-functioning” he is, heavy drinking is a sign of bigger issues that will remain unsolved as long as the person is drinking
• So just work on your own issues – that’s more than enough to handle

Work on my happiness, work on my issues, and keep on keepin’ on. Sounds like a good plan.

In case anyone is reading/for my own future reference, here are some links to groups and info that have helped me today:

Living Sober online community

Mrs. D is Going Without blog

Soberful Facebook group (private)

Veronica Valli’s free e-book

Monday

On our way home. Made it through the four days without alcohol! I’m a little sick of AF drinks, might have ODed on kombucha (but also turned a friend on to it, and learned of another friend who makes her own!), and am still dealing with the blowback of the wedding night fight, but otherwise feeling great.

I’m proud of myself for staying strong, and grateful to my friends for not questioning too much. I got a few looks and the initial, “You sure you’re not pregnant??” questions, but everyone was supportive and left it alone. I actually ended up having a few long conversations with a friend who is concerned with her fiancé’s drinking habits, and didn’t have much to offer except a listening ear-but I think it helped her process some thoughts.

One of the most important things I learned on this trip was that I can still have fun (in fact, maybe more fun) without the booze. My friends and I rocked that dance floor, even trying out a bunch of new line dances with the “young kids”, and I may have made a fool out of myself by wearing a horse mask and sexy dancing in front of everyone. Dead sober.

It occurred to me later that I probably wouldn’t have participated in those dances, certainly not donned the horse mask before due to lack of confidence. Somehow for me, alcohol reduced my self confidence, not the other way around. 

I also learned that there were many people, friends, who weren’t drinking much at all, and  prior to quitting, I would have been oblivious… but now, I was aware and able to take advantage of being sober to really connect with them, late into the night. Before, I would have felt like I was connecting because I was talking loudly or cracking jokes but it would have been at the expense of true connection. And I would have very little memory of the evening of the event.

I will admit to using pot a few times on the trip to escape the feeling of being an outsider, when everyone else was drunk. But I am also seeing how much this reduces the experience in the end, and causes me to question myself… plus the “toxic self-shaming” that comes the day after if I’ve had an argument or other behavior I’m not proud of (terminology from my Living Sober online group, which was also a huge support this weekend) Not sure I want to quit that yet, but I’m learning the value of being 100% present in my own life and am getting more reluctant to give that up for a temporary and somewhat damaging high.

Feeling the self-love today, in spite of the interpersonal stress between C and I. 

Sunday

How did last night go? Horribly and wonderfully at the same time. I drank water or lemonade all night, barely missed the alcohol and had an absolute blast on the dance floor and chatting with friends, really connecting. When it started to get to the end of the night, and everyone was buzzing with booze-I slipped out and had a puff with another like-minded soul I’d met at the beach house. Great conversation and connection with everyone.

Except my husband. 

I won’t get into the petty details but suffice it to say, the wedding was a reminder of the love lost between us and we got in a fight.

Although I apologized twice and tried to bridge the gap, “Let’s not let this ruin our night, please?” he is slow to forgive and spent the rest of the evening either hidden away somewhere or actively avoiding me.

Even when we returned to the house, we weren’t able to patch it up-having a couple nasty raised-voice arguments in various rooms, probably within earshot of our friends. 

Part of me wants to throw in the towel but part of me realizes what a major shift I’m going through right now and the need to hold still and wait. What’s the advice-Don’t make any major decisions in your first year of sobriety?

Tired of reaching out to patch things up and being turned away, when the fault goes both ways. He does not come my direction but I so want the rest of this trip not to be ruined. Guess I’ll probably be trying again at some point or just doing my new normal of ignoring his pout and enjoying myself regardless.

Before he stormed out the last time last night, he waved his hand at me and said, “whatever THIS is, I don’t like it”. And I, in the heat of the moment said, “It’s sobriety. Get used to it!”

I’m not sure if that is exactly true but I know that my negative emotions about our marriage are much closer to the surface now that I’m not burying them under a thick blanket of alcohol. Not sure where that leaves us, but guaranteed I will be ruminating over it unhealthily in the alone time that C’s pout will afford me.

 

Saturday

Today is the big day! My first sober wedding. And it seems appropriate that I’m wearing my Quit Ring, that arrived right before we left town. I decided to get a ring for my start date, and then similar stacking rings for important milestone dates: first month (coming up!), first 6 months, first year, then yearly… assuming I go beyond a year.

While this lovely couple commits their lives and love to each other, I am making a promise to love myself more in many ways, but primarily in staying quit. It hasn’t been until this year that I realized the importance of loving oneself first and foremost, as the foundation of a happy life and healthy relationships.

Its our adult homework, to find our truest self and love the shit out of it when we do. Not easy, but at least I’m consciously on the path now.

Vaporizer is packed, exit strategy in place, hot bandage dress ready…Wish me luck tonight! 

Friday

We made it down, car full of friends and lots of talk about booze on the trip. But I’d packed my NA drinks and was quite content. Immediately on arrival, the beers were cracked and celebratory bourbon poured for all.

It was noted that I wasn’t drinking and I just said, “I quit”. No one questioned much beyond that, except our closest friends who started hounding me about being pregnant. I quickly squashed that rumor and happily downed a microbrew root beer.

Now it’s Day 2 of the trip and except for a few moments of feeling bored and escaping to our room (we’re in a large 9-bedroom, 9-bath beach house that backs right up to the water) I haven’t missed the alcohol one bit!

As I lay on a beach chair earlier after a long soak in the hot tub, I realized I’m learning how to relax with the aid of alcohol. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s nice knowing it doesn’t come with a penalty.

Tomorrow is the wedding and I’m looking forward to partying with the crew and the possibility of a toke later in the evening. May or may not have time to post but am holding strong!

 

Wednesday

T minus 3 days and counting… to the first real test of my sobriety.

Tomorrow, we leave town with a few of our friends to drive 8 hrs south for a wedding on the Outer Banks. The wedding is Saturday, and man, am I anxious. I haven’t really told anyone about quitting – and this will be a large group of all of our close beach friends, so close they’re almost family. Guaranteed they will all be drinking most of the time we’re there. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I think there is even a brewery tour planned.

I’ve got my “no thanks” conversation planned (“trying to be healthier” or “it was hurting more than helping at this point in my life” or just plain “not drinking right now”), my alcohol-free drink of choice selected (seltzer & lime), and an escape plan if I get desperate (loading my purse with the vaporizer for a quick puff in the car if needed). 

But I’m still super nervous. 

I’m worried it’ll be boring and annoying to be around a bunch of folks excitedly getting their drink on, while I’m staying fully sober. I’m worried, just a little, that I’ll be seen as a downer, or get tired sooner and want to leave. Then the fun part of me gets rankled and says, well fuck that, I’m going to dance my heart out and have a blast. I don’t need goddam alcohol to do that. And you know what? I’m gonna look HOT – with all the working out and calorie loss from the non-drinking, I’m doing pretty well…and I plan on owning it.

But for the brewery tour? I may just skip out and go find a theater showing BladeRunner.

 

Rainy Tuesday

For how tremendously good it feels every night to be sober, why do I feel so sad?

Many moments in the day where I think, do I really need to give this up forever? And some romanticized notion of alcohol comes to mind – the taste of a complex beer, trying a new cocktail with friends, sipping wine over a wonderful meal with my husband.

I need to remember that it wasn’t like that for me. It became something I was driven to do. I wasn’t in control. And most of the time, I was alone! All this lovely notion of drinking with friends? It rarely happened, and when it did I was usually just holding out and impatient until I could get home and really drink.

I know all this in my logical brain, but my emotional brain is grieving.

Maybe some affirmations will help. I’m thinking about designing a poster using the thirteen affirmations from Women For Sobriety’s New Life Acceptance Program, which are beautifully written and so true:

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
   I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
   My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.
   
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
   Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
   I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
   
5. I am what I think.
   I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
   
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
   Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
   
7. Love can change the course of my world.
   Caring becomes all important.
   
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
   Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
   
9. The past is gone forever.
   No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
   
10. All love given returns.
    I will learn to know that others love me.
    
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
    I treasure all moments of my new life.
    
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
    This is what I am and I shall know it always.
    
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
    I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

If I do this, I’ll post it here.

Late PM update:

Still waiting for the wonderful night’s sleep to happen. So far, I’ve been struggling with getting to bed at an early hour, and when there – I can’t fall asleep. My brain won’t stop racing at the end of the day… it’s like I get a second wind around 10pm and here I am at midnight and just can’t bring myself to bed.

Hoping this settles down soon.